


Shinji Ikari and the Methods of Bioterrorism

by noetherSA



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, Neoreaction: A Basilisk
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, F/F, Gen, Homophobia, Illustrations, Medical Abuse, Multi, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trans Female Ikari Shinji, Transphobia, effemimania, the ship name for kensuke x weird knives is KENSK
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2020-05-02 11:48:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 46,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19198171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noetherSA/pseuds/noetherSA
Summary: Shinji comes to terms with being a trans girl and confronts the social and systemic forces that stand in her way. Her exploration of queerness influences the other kids to analyze their own identities, and in the process, Shinji, Rei, and Kaworu develop feelings for each other.This fic draws themes from the essay collection "Neoreaction: a Basilisk," which digs deep into the philosophical underpinnings of the modern radical right and proposes some values that can help a person inoculate themselves and their communities from their influenceThis one's gonna go to some weird places. Bioterrorist, infect thyself.





	1. I Thought There Was a Monster in the Woods, But it Turns Out it was Just This Weird Girl Who Plays the Cello

“Sheisse!” Asuka yelled, as she threw a die across Misato’s dining table at Shinji’s head. He ducked swiftly, and the die ricocheted off an empty beer can on the other side of the room. “Why didn’t you heal me last turn?! I fucking told you, you moron, I told you I was low on health, and now I’m fucking dead!”

Shinji didn’t say anything. He’d long since learned that the best way to ride out one of Asuka’s tirades was to try and bite his tongue as long as he could and hope she got bored.

Kensuke sheepishly looked up over the peeling, worn DM screen in front of him. “Uh... how about we call it here for tonight?” 

Asuka glared at Kensuke. “How about you actually _balance_ your encounters for once next time, huh?”

“Hey man,” Kensuke began, “you should’ve known that the fouchard was useless for that engagement. Obviously, a lucerne would’ve been a better choice because-”

Asuka rolled her eyes dramatically. “Nobody but you bothers to read all those tables, _Kensuke_ , come on.”

Kensuke leaned back in his chair and folded his arms. “If you can’t appreciate the intricacies of historical european martial arts, I don’t know why you’re even playing at all.”

“I’m playing because _you said_ we’d be fighting dragons and finding treasure, but instead we got this... boring military shit” Asuka gestured vaguely at the cluster of hand painted miniatures strewn about on the whiteboard that served as their map. “Isn’t that right, Shinji?”

Shinji flinched. The entire campaign had gone like this in the weeks since Asuka joined. But since Toji left town, and neither of them really knew anyone else well enough to invite them, it was either this or give up the campaign entirely. A session would start, and Asuka would apologise for blowing her stack over something last time, they’d play uneventfully for an hour or two, and then she’d get pissed and the session was over. Rinse, repeat.

Apparently dissatisfied with Shinji’s silence, Asuka continued. “Come on, say something, ya oaf. Be a man, stand up for yourself, god damn!” 

Kensuke began carefully packing up the miniatures and wiped down the whiteboard.

Shinji sighed. Despite himself, he responded, “ _I_ think it’s fun.” 

“Why would I be surprised?” Asuka exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air, “Shinji Ikari, the most boring boy in the world, likes playing a stupid game where he gets to be exactly as useless as he is in real life! Boy, I sure feel great knowing that my life might be in your idiot hands when you can’t even fight well in a fucking fantasy world!”

Kensuke spoke up. “Well actually, since his character is a bard, she’s really not cut out for direct combat at all. She’s more of a support caster.” He slipped his old, worn player handbook into his backpack.

“You know what I mean.” Asuka said, shooting him a dirty look. “If he can’t even heal his only teammate, ya know, the one who can actually _hit_ things, then he’s useless.”

“Whatever, man,” Kensuke said, hefting his backpack over his shoulder, “Are we on for next week?”

“I guess so?” Shinji replied.

“Sure. Fine,” Asuka said.

“Cool. Welp, try not to kill each other before then.” Kensuke hastily waved goodbye and left the apartment.

Shinji and Asuka sat in dejected silence for what felt like an eternity. 

“Why do you play a girl character anyway? It’s weird.” Asuka said, adding a frightful venom to that last word. 

Shinji shrugged. To be honest, it wasn’t something he could really explain himself. It just felt more natural. “I dunno. Why’s it matter?”

Asuka shrugged back. “Because it’s weird. Normal boys play boy characters. They don’t pretend to be girls and dance around like fairies.”

“Guess I’m not a normal boy, then,” Shinji mumbled.

“Yeah, you’re an idiot.” Asuka got up from the table in a huff. “I’m going out. Don’t wait on me for dinner.”

“Where are you going?” asked Shinji, reflexively.

“Out. With Hikari. There’s a movie we’re gonna see.”

This was great. With Asuka going “out,” and Misato at work ‘til god knows when, Shinji was going to have the house to himself for probably at least a couple hours. For someone as easily socially overstimulated as him, that was a godsend. But also... 

There were some other things Shinji had been meaning to do

“Anyway,” Asuka continued, as she walked back to her room, “I’m sure you’re jealous of all the attention Hikari’s getting, but try not to cry about it too much, okay?”

_I’m sure I’ll live_ , he thought to himself.

* * *

Shinji stood at the threshold to Asuka’s room. He absentmindedly clenched and relaxed his fist as he tried to build up the courage to enter. He knew Asuka would be pissed if she found out, that was for sure. But it’s not like Asuka was ever starving for excuses to get performatively worked up at him. Yesterday it was because he drained the bath before she could use it. Today, she blamed him when she rolled three critical failures in a row.

Still, he had a weird sense that some unseen eye was watching and judging him for even thinking of this.

He tried to push the shame away as best he could as he slid open the door and entered her room. Eva pilots, it seemed, were not much for interior decorating. The walls were bare, save for a faded Rammstein poster and a coat hanger that held her school uniform. Clothes were piled haphazardly on top of her dresser and her bed. A Pizza box from a place that went out of business a month ago sat in the corner next to her trash can.

Shinji fixated on the school uniform. He carefully removed it from its hanger and held it out in front of himself. Though Asuka was a bit taller than he was, it certainly _seemed_ like it would fit. He poked his head out into the hallway to make sure he still had the house to himself. The place was silent as a crypt. He folded the uniform over his arm, darted over to his room and quickly shut the door behind him.

He undressed and tossed his own uniform on the bed, before slipping into Asuka’s. Looking down at himself, what he saw was at once strange and familiar, like the sensation of walking across a schoolyard at night. Seeing one’s own body, but as a girl. She turned her hips back and forth and the spinning motion flared the skirt out to the sides. There were butterflies in her stomach, from both the exhilaration of breaking a taboo, and the rightness she felt in doing so. She couldn’t help but smile, for the first time in ages.

It occurred to her to see what she looked like in the mirror. She peered out into the living room again. Still no signs of life. She sped through the kitchen into the bathroom. Shinji switched on the vanity light and took in the view of the strange girl that was herself looking back at her, grinning ear to ear.

Another thought struck her. Misato kept her makeup here, right? She checked the medicine cabinet and pulled out a penguin-patterned bag. Most of its contents were confounding to her, just a jumble of plastic cases that held mysterious powders, worn down to the edges through years of use. She recognized a few lipstick tubes and examined them. The tips were broken off two of them, but the last one seemed intact. She twisted the bottom and held it up to her mouth. Was this really alright? The feeling of being judged grew stronger and the hair on the back of her neck pricked up. She looked around again to make sure she really was alone before methodically filling in the shape of her lips with the wine-red lipstick. Observing herself in the mirror, she thought she looked pretty cute.

The thrill of experimenting with this new idea of her self was overpowering. _Is there anything else I could borrow?_ She thought to herself for a moment. Asuka’s kneesocks always seemed pretty nifty. As long as she was going off the deep end here, what was the harm in trying them on too?

As she crossed the kitchen again, she heard the sound of the hall light switch being flipped, and wheeled around in a panic. Misato stood in the entryway. They locked eyes, and Shinji froze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The poster in Asuka's room is specifically [this one](https://i.imgur.com/fuPUH8p.jpg)


	2. The Worst Part of Talking to Someone is that Sometimes They Respond

Misato’s eyes grew wide and she uttered a confused and surprised yelp before pivoting in place and returning to the entryway. Shinji bolted into her room and slammed the door shut behind her.

She changed back into her own clothes and scrubbed off the lipstick as best she could with her forearm. Her heart beat out of her chest, and she blushed so hard with embarrassment that her face felt like it might immolate. Her mind raced as she catastrophized about all the ways her life was over.  _ Fuck! _ she thought, as she felt a lump in her throat,  _ Of course I got caught! The one time I try to do anything, it blows up in my stupid god damned face! _

“Shinji?” Misato called from the kitchen, “Can you come out here?” A moment later, she added, “I’m not mad, I just want to talk.” Shinji heard the familiar noise of Misato opening a can of beer.

Shinji flexed her fist as she weighed her options. On the one hand, she could go out there and try talking to Misato. She sure didn’t  _ seem  _ like the type to get especially worked up over something like that. She at least didn’t have the same kind of inscrutable investment in Shinji’s machismo, or rather, her lack thereof, like Asuka seemed to. That said, Misato’s usual reaction of tired resignation whenever Shinji was struggling with something still hurt a bit. If Shinji really spilled her guts to her, and in response she rolled her eyes and grumbled “Sure, why not?” from the other end of a can of beer, it would frankly be crushing.

On the other hand, she could just hide in her room and listen to music forever, which usually worked out pretty well for her. She could wait until Misato got wasted enough to pass out, return the uniform, and pretend nothing ever happened. What could she possibly say, anyway? “Sometimes I think I want to try being a girl?” Preposterous. 

She started fishing around in her backpack for her old SDAT player, her last line of defense against other people. It wasn’t in the front pocket where she usually left it... or in the big one... and then she remembered: she’d left it on the kitchen counter earlier. Fuck. 

She heard Misato walk over to her room and knock on the door. She sat on her bed and curled into a ball.

“Hey,” Misato prodded, “are you doing okay in there?” Shinji didn’t respond. “I guess we kinda spooked each other, huh?” Misato laughed nervously. A moment passed while neither said anything. 

Eventually Shinji heard a shuffling noise as Misato sat down outside. “You know,” she began again, “I gotta say, part of me kinda expected to walk in on you, uh, like that, eventually. I mean, don’t take it the wrong way, but you always just kinda seemed like the type.” there was a pause, followed by the hollow clank of Misato setting down her can of beer on the floor. “I remember, back in college, I had this friend Kei- we were lab partners in this... I think it was a chemistry class? He was a lot like you, pretty quiet, super unsure of himself.” 

Another pause, as she took another drink. “Anyway, his family owned a sake brewery and he was super into it and we used to go out drinking a lot. But then there was a while where we didn’t have any classes together and he kinda fell off the face of the earth. Couple months later, I get a call, and it’s him. We catch up a bit and decide to go bar hopping again.” Drink. “So the night of, I’m waiting around at the station, and this random girl walks up to me and is all ‘Hey Misato! It’s been a while, huh?’ and starts making small talk. I was like, fuck, am I supposed to know this person? Did I pre-game too much or something? And eventually this lady catches on, and she’s like ‘oh shit, do you actually not recognize me? I’m Kei!’ So naturally I was floored. But anyway, from then on, she was basically just one of the girls. I don’t know what it was, but she always seemed happier after that. More confident in herself.” 

She paused to drink again. “The point is, I dunno if this is a one-off thing for you, or if you think it’s something that runs deeper than that, like with Kei, but... I guess I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide it from me or beat yourself up over it.”

Shinji exhaled in what felt like the first time since Misato got home. The sudden release of tension was overpowering, and she could feel tears welling up with each passing breath. When she could no longer hold them back, she began to cry, in big heaving sobs that shook her body.

“Oh jeez,” Misato said. “Did I say something wrong? Fuck.” She slid the door open and entered Shinji’s room.

Shinji’s words escaped her. She hastily wiped the tears from her eyes, stood up, and hugged Misato, crying into her shoulder. Misato awkwardly reciprocated the hug and uttered a startled “O-oh.”

“Hey, so do you mind if I put Asuka’s uniform back?” Misato said, after a moment.

Shinji shook her head as best she could without detaching herself from her.

“And you didn’t uh... I mean, there isn’t like...” Misato stumbled over her words, “We don’t need to run it through the wash again or anything, right? If you know what I mean?”

Shinji let go and went back to staring at the ground. “N-no, no, I just wore it for a couple minutes,” she explained. 

“Okay,” Misato said. She grabbed the uniform off the bed. “Uh, good talk.” She left Shinji’s room and closed the door behind her.

Shinji flounced back on the bed and hugged her pillow as tight as she could.  _ Well that could’ve gone a lot worse,  _ she thought. The idea that someone out there just decided to be a girl blew her mind. She was vaguely aware that it happened sometimes, but hearing Misato ramble about her friend made it feel more achievable, rather than just something that happened to a lucky few she’d never meet.

“Where  _ is _ Asuka anyway? Misato called from another room, “Is she with Hikari again?”

“Yeah,” Shinji responded, speaking around the lump in her throat, “She said not to wait around for her.”

“If those two keep at it like that, I’m gonna be a grandmother by thirty.” the sound of another beer can being opened carried across the apartment. “You feel up for cooking tonight, or should we just do ramen and popcorn again?”

“Uh, I can make something,” Shinji answered. She had no idea how Misato made it to age twenty-nine without ever even learning how to operate a rice cooker. It had to be some kind of record.

* * *

“So I was thinking,” Misato began, as she stepped out of the bathroom. She had changed into her “penguins and boats” pyjamas and had her wet hair wrapped up in a towel. “do you think you want some of your own girl clothes? I don’t think Asuka would appreciate you digging through her stuff like that all the time.”

“Oh, uh,” Shinji felt flushed. She ladled some reheated curry over their two plates of rice and vegetables. “No, I think she’d hate it.”

Misato cracked open another can of beer and pulled up a seat. “I have a couple days off coming up, so -wow, that smells really good- what do you think about going on a shopping trip to Kameyu after your synch test on Friday?” 

Shinji took her seat at the table. “Yeah, I think I’d like that.” A pause. “Would Asuka be coming too?”

“Prughbuby” Misato said, chewing thoughtfully. She swallowed. “I can try talking to her if you want. Or you can do it.” she took a swig of beer. “Or we can both do it, like an intervention or something.”

“I think I’d rather have you there,” Shinji said. “If I’m alone for it, I think she’d just bulldoze me.”

“Yeah.” Misato replied. “Just gimme a heads up when you think you want to do it.” 

Shinji nodded grimly. That wasn’t going to be a fun conversation.

“By the way,” Misato added, “did you guys lose this when you were playing earlier?” she held up a die. “I found it wedged in one of the toaster’s slots. How the fuck did it even get in there?”


	3. If I Was Trying to Run Away, You Wouldn’t Have Caught Me

“You should know this Shinji, it’s easy,” Asuka chided, “those two resistors are in parallel, so you combine them together with that one formula.”

“Wait, they are?” Shinji looked back at the homework problem, more confused than before. “I thought that resistor was parallel with the one over here, though.”

“Well, ya thought wrong,” Asuka replied.

Shinji rolled her eyes. Doing schoolwork with Asuka was a trial and a half. The two had spent the afternoon studying for a physics test... or rather, Shinji was trying to study, and Asuka was smugly correcting her whenever she made a mistake. She sighed heavily and erased her calculations for the third time. 

“By the way,” Asuka said, “what’s this kanji say again?”

“Uh...” Shinji leaned over to look at her housemate’s textbook. “It says ‘negligible.’ ‘Assume negligible resistance in the wires.’” Some small, petty part of Shinji’s subconscious was endlessly entertained by Asuka’s near-illiteracy. 

“Right, okay,” Asuka replied. A moment later, she added, “At least you’re good for something, Shinji.”

“I try.”

Their study session was interrupted by the sound of Misato opening the front door. Shinji felt her stomach leap into her throat. Tonight was the night she and Misato had planned to talk to Asuka about her  _ experimenting _ , and she was fucking dreading it. If Asuka laid into her about not being man enough constantly already, what would she do when she heard this?

“Hey guys,” Misato called from the hallway, “I brought back some WcDonalds shit for dinner.” She planted a large and exceptionally greasy paper bag on the table and went to grab a beer out of the fridge.

“You’re home early,” Asuka remarked. She dug through the bag and fished out a burger named after an American city that hadn’t existed for about a decade.

“Yeah.” Misato took a seat at the table. “Ritsuko came in around noon and was like ‘I need a drink. Wanna knock off for the day?’ And I was like ‘sure.’ It sounded like there was some kinda hardware fuckup in Unit Zero’s armor repairs and they were gonna be stuck until they got replacement parts from America? I can never understand anything she says though, honestly.” She grabbed her own dinner out of the bag and handed the remaining sandwich to Shinji. “How was class today?”

“Fine.” Shinji said.

“Oh you wouldn’t believe it, Misato!” Asuka began, gesticulating with her partially-eaten burger, “We were in english class, and Miss Tanizaki was writing out a passage on the board to make one of us read, and she wrote the wrong ‘to,’ so naturally, being the good and helpful student that I am, I raised my hand and corrected her. But for some reason, she gave me the stinkeye and made some snide comment about how maybe I’d rather be teaching the class instead-”

As Asuka continued her rant, Misato nudged Shinji’s foot under the table and mouthed “Ready?” 

Shinji nodded, hesitantly. She most certainly was not ready, but if she waited around until she was, she’d never say anything. 

Misato waved her hand and mouthed “It’ll be fine.” 

“-And then she sent me to the principal’s office! Can you believe that?” Asuka finished, playing up her exasperation.

“Yeah, man. Ridiculous,” Misato said, “Although you might’ve crossed a line bringing up her divorce.” She took a sip of beer. “Anyway, I think Shinji has an announcement to make.”

“Oh? The mysterious third child speaks?” Asuka said.

“Uh, yeah.” Shinji felt flushed, and she stared down at the sandwich in her hands. “I uh, I guess I was thinking that, y’know, maybe, uh, maybe I,” She stammered, struggling to find the words, “I want to try being a girl.” Finally getting that off her chest felt liberating, although that sensation was followed immediately by feeling so anxious she wanted to die. 

Asuka looked at her like she had three heads. “You  _ WHAT? _ ”

Shinji flinched.  _ Great _ , she thought to herself,  _ Now I’m fucked _ . 

“...Asuka,” Misato warned.

“Don’t ‘Asuka’ me, Misato!” Asuka shouted. She turned back towards Shinji. “What’s that mean, you wanna try being a girl? How- What does that even mean?”

“I-I dunno... maybe...” Shinji trailed off. If she could disappear back into the bowels of Unit One right then, she probably would.

“We were planning on going shopping for girl clothes for her after the sync test on Friday, for starters.” Misato cut in. 

“For starters? Then what happens, huh?” Asuka leaned in towards Shinji as she continued her interrogation. “Is this just you giving up, Shinji? Being a man was too hard for you, so you thought you’d try something a little more your speed? Are you gonna elope with Kensuke to some fairytale castle high atop Mount Tunte with his seven thousand toy guns and watch anime together until the angels kill us all?”

Something in Shinji snapped. “Oh fuck off, Asuka!” She stood up abruptly and knocked her chair over. “If I was giving up, I wouldn’t be here telling you about it! I sat on this for ages and tried to bury it.  _ That  _ was me giving up. This is me standing up for myself. I  _ want  _ this. I want this because I think it might help me be happy, not because I’m settling or some bullshit.”

“I- What?” Asuka was dumbstruck by Shinji’s outburst. 

“Hey, that’s enough!” Misato interjected. “You two need to cool it. Asuka, I don’t know what your problem is, but you gotta lay the fuck off her.”

“Fine, jeez,” Asuka folded her arms and withdrew into herself. “What are you, my mom?”

“Nope! I’m your commanding officer!” Misato said, “Now quit it.”

Asuka leaned back in her chair and sulked. 

Shinji fidgeted with her hand. This was about as much conflict as she could take in one evening. “I’m... I’m gonna go out for a while,” she said, adding quickly, “I’ll be back later, probably.”

Misato sighed heavily. “Yeah, okay. Stay safe out there.” she took a long drink of beer.

Shinji went to her room to grab her backpack. Maybe this whole sojourn was a mistake after all. She still wanted to believe that being a girl would make her happy, but man, she wasn’t cut out for this whole  _ talking to other people about it  _ thing. She wished there was some way to just retroactively have always been a girl, or maybe some bizarre accident would turn her into one and she at least wouldn’t have to go through the trouble of explaining her feelings to people. Maybe the next angel would have some kinda beam that would just turn her into a girl on the spot. Weirder things had already happened; she’d been entirely dissolved in LCL only a couple weeks ago, after all. 

What was she going to do for the rest of the night, anyway? Loiter around in a record store? Blow some change at the arcade? Listen to music on the train and hope some weirdo didn’t try to strike up conversation? To be honest, none of those things really struck her as particularly inspiring. In the moment, nothing really did.  _ But fuck me if I’m gonna spend another minute in this shitshow _ , she thought.

Misato languidly waved goodbye as she left, and Asuka pretended to ignore her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks- you might be thinking something like "I thought there were more chapters before?" right now, so to clarify, I grouped the scene with the fight over the tabletop game and the scene where Shinji borrows Asuka's uniform into one chapter since it felt weird to hide the real plot hook in the second chapter.


	4. I Think I Saw a Basilisk Wednesday Night

As Shinji walked out into the atrium in the center of the apartment building, the warm, humid air of the early evening washed over her. The screech of cicadas from down in the courtyard was barely audible from the catwalk, although there weren’t many places in Tokyo-3 where they couldn’t be heard at all. It was like a kind of municipal tinnitus. 

_What was Asuka’s problem, anyway?_ Shinji wondered. Her invalidation hurt, the lump Shinji felt in her throat left no question of that. It felt to her like Asuka’s words were _meant_ to hurt- an act of cruelty rather than one of confusion. But why? What was it about Shinji wanting to be a girl that sent Asuka off the deep end? Why did she get so bent out of shape whenever Shinji acted the least bit feminine, for that matter? 

Shinji had considered that maybe it was some kind of... weird romantic thing? Like there was that bizarre kissing prank thing she did a while back. And she had no idea what to make of that “Wall of Jericho” incident. The hell was a “Jericho” anyway? But on the other hand, she always seemed super invested in that Kaji guy, and Shinji was pretty sure Asuka and Hikari were something more than friends, though she’d never actually talked to either of them about it. In either case, it didn’t really make sense to her why she’d be so mad.

Could Shinji really be a girl if other girls were so confusing to her? She certainly _hoped_ she could.

* * *

 

Misato was either way too drunk or not nearly drunk enough to deal with what had just happened. She considered her options, decided that it was astronomically easier to drink more than it was to spontaneously sober up, and retrieved another beer from the fridge. Some nagging straightedge voice in the back of her head advised that the correct amount of inebriation in this scenario was _sober_ , but fuck that.

“Rough night, huh?” Asuka prodded. “You had _how_ much to drink when you were out with Ritsuko all afternoon, and now you’re already going in for a second beer?” 

Misato leaned against the kitchen counter and opened the can. She was tempted to really lay into Asuka, but she figured it would probably just encourage her. _What do you think, Yebisu?_ She took a drink of beer and thought for a moment. _Ah, fuck it._  

“Would it actually kill you to be nice to Shinji once in a while?” Misato asked.

Asuka looked taken aback. “What? I’m nice to Shinji.” she took a bite of her burger. “I help him with his homework all the time. And I know I’ve saved his life a bunch, too.” she looked especially satisfied with herself over that last bit.

“You know there’s more to being civil than just doing favors for people, right?” Misato said, “Like maybe if your friend confides in you about something personal that they’re clearly freaking out about, the decent thing to do would be to listen and try to accept what she’s telling you, _not_ to throw it back in her face and make a big fuckin scene about it!”

“But it’s- it’s so _weird!_ ” Asuka protested, “Boys shouldn’t _-can’t-_ just decide to be girls. That doesn’t make any sense.”

“It doesn’t have to make sense, some people are just like that. Including, apparently, Shinji.” Misato took a sip of beer. “You kids are supposed to be a team. If you can’t figure out how to work together, we’re all fucked.”

“Why should I have to change though?” Asuka asked, “Why can’t he just be normal for once in his life?”

“Why should Shinji have to stop being weird? She’s not hurting anybody,” Misato proclaimed. “You, on the other hand, are hurting Shinji by being so stubborn. You made a girl cry, Asuka. You gotta apologize.”

* * *

 

Tokyo-3 didn’t feel like a real city. It might appear to be one in passing, if you saw it on a map, or if you drove through it on the way to someplace else, but up close, it lacked the sort of distinguishing character and sense of being lived-in that defined most other large cities, like Hamburg or New Pomona. Tokyo-3 seemed empty and contrived by comparison. Shinji always felt like she was wandering through one of the miniature sets Godzilla stomped around in whenever she went on a walk like this.

Part of it was that there just weren’t many people there anymore. Every angel attack created innumerable refugees fleeing the city, businesses closed or were destroyed, and nobody was exactly eager to replace them. The trains, once packed with commuters diligently ignoring each other, were often nearly empty. Shinji’s class at school was down to a small handful of students, and there was talk that the place might just close soon.

But Shinji also got the sense that it was never a real city, that it was always just a non-place hastily assembled on top of the geofront. Through her training sessions, she knew that half of the buildings were just storage sheds full of giant guns and knives for the evas anyway, and the power grid had to have been designed with the numerous charging ports they needed in mind. Misato had called Tokyo-3 a “fortress city,” and from the looks of it, it had always leaned much more towards the fortress side.

After much deliberation, Shinji had decided to go loiter in the bookstore that was a couple blocks away from her apartment. She figured the new Shonen Jump should have been in by then, so she probably could kill an hour or two reading in the corner with all the other dejected teens before the place closed for the night. Hopefully she would feel a little less keyed-up by then, at least. 

As she neared the bookstore, she noticed a bunch of shady-looking men in suits gathered around an alleyway across the street. They reminded her of the Section 2 goons that always tracked her down if she wandered around for too long, but she didn’t recognize any of them, at least not from that distance. 

Shinji saw a man in a suit escort a strange girl out of the alley towards a nondescript black car parked outside. She kind of reminded Shinji of Rei- something about her was just bit _off_. Just looking at her made Shinji’s brain feel a little weird, but she was transfixed. Her shoulder length hair was a rolling thundercloud of TV snow, and her eyes were piercing carmine lazers. Her tall, slender frame was reminiscent of an ichneumon wasp made of blood and flesh instead of chitin and hemolymph. The girl turned and met Shinji’s gaze from across the street, and Shinji blushed and looked at the ground.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and wheeled around. The hand belonged to a tall white man with broad shoulders barely contained in a tan blazer. On his lapel was a pin depicting a triangle and seven eyes. The man apparently recognized her, and his eyes grew wide. 

“Fuck!” he shouted, in english. He called over another foreign g-man who appeared to be Greek or Turkish. Shinji couldn’t understand much of what he said, but she recognized her own name in his speech. 

The second man planted himself in front of her, her eyes level with the center of his chest. He looked down at her over the bridge of his nose. “Hey,” he said, “What are you doing wandering around this time of night?” his Japanese was adequate, but heavily accented. The first g-man circled around behind her.

Shinji stared at the ground. “Uh. Nothing,” she stammered.

The mediterranian man continued, “Cities like this get pretty dangerous at night, you know. Gotta be careful to stay out of trouble.” He paused as if expecting a response, but Shinji stayed silent. “You run along now, yeah?” He opened his jacket to reveal a handgun.

Shinji bolted. She didn’t know what to make of any of that, but it scared the shit out of her. She sprinted through the streets as fast as she could, gasping for breath. Apartment buildings and idling food trucks flew by as she ran, and gave way to abandoned construction sites and boarded-up storefronts. 

She leaned against a building to rest and collect her thoughts. _Who was that girl?_ She thought, _and who the hell were those men?_ She felt like she should probably tell someone, but they knew who she was and were scary enough that she didn’t want to do anything that might anger them. She could’ve sworn she’d seen that seven-eyed logo on that man’s pin before, but she couldn’t place where. 

Maybe she should’ve just zoned out on the train after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Worth noting- since the characters are ostensibly speaking Japanese, a language which doesn’t use gendered pronouns like English does, I’m using dialogue containing “she”or “he” or whatever to reflect what the speaker thinks about the subject rather than it being something that’s vocally expressed. Asuka doesn’t hear Misato gendering Shinji as a girl, and Misato doesn’t hear Asuka gendering her as a boy unless they specifically call her one or the other.


	5. It’s Against My Nature to Turn Down A Single Challenge You Throw at Me

It was getting late, and Shinji still wasn’t back. Misato tried not to worry too much- Section 2 was always right around the corner somewhere, after all. If Shinji really got herself into trouble, a dozen of them would probably jump out from behind a potted plant and resolve things, most likely with blunt objects.

She and Asuka sat at the coffee table, absently taking in the chintzy police procedural playing on the TV. The two of them hadn’t spoken much since dinner, only the occasional question about what one of Asuka’s homework problems said. Probably for the best. Misato was feeling pretty tipsy at this point, anyway. Not the greatest state to be arguing in, to say the least. 

She looked over at Asuka’s work. That degree on her desk was no joke- she was flying through her calculations like it was nothing. It sucked that someone like that would, in all likelihood, never get to explore her real talents to their full extent. If she were anyone else, she probably could’ve been a great scientist, but instead, her potential was wasted and the most she could do for the world was sit in a cockpit and get beat up every couple weeks. 

It was bullshit any of those kids had to get roped into this. Asuka could’ve been a scientist, Shinji could’ve been a musician, that guy Toji could’ve been an athlete, Rei could’ve been... something. She was pretty hard to pin down. Hell, it was bullshit any of the rest of them had to deal with all this shit either. They all deserved better than to get wrapped up in the violence and chaos surrounding Nerv and Gehirn. Misato absentmindedly ran her fingers along her scar through her shirt.

A low, rumbling thunderclap filtered in from outside, and the glass door to the terrace rattled audibly in resonance. The gentle pitter-patter of rain on the glass escalated to a shower. _Hopefully Shinji isn’t as soluble in water as she was in LCL_ , she thought. The alcohol in her system made that concept a lot funnier than it should have been, and she giggled a bit.

An idea occurred to her, and she tried to fight back a grin. 

Misato leaned back on her hands and fake-yawned to try and clear her smile. “So do you want us to drop you off before we go shopping on Friday?”

“Yep,” Asuka didn’t even look up from her worksheet.

“That’s a shame,” Misato said, “I bet you would’ve been really good at helping Shinji pick out clothes.”

Asuka stayed silent for a moment, her brow furrowed. Misato could practically hear the gears in her head grinding. She reflexively lifted the beer can on the table to her mouth to drink, but it was empty.

“Don’t patronize me.” Asuka said, finally.

Misato waited a beat. “Maybe we could get Rei to-”

“I gotta use the bathroom.” Asuka stormed off and slammed the door to the toilet behind her.

Misato pounded her fist on the table and giggled uncontrollably. _Was that mean?_ She thought to herself. _That was probably mean_. That kid was smart, but it was so easy to goad her into anything as long as she could frame it as a competition.

* * *

 

Shinji pressed a button on her watch and the dial lit up a pale blue-green. It was _late_. She’d gotten completely lost in her panic fleeing from... whatever it was going on by the bookstore earlier, and it took a while to get her bearings again. But even after that, she was far too on-edge to just go back to the apartment, so she went to see a movie... and then took a lap around the city on the commuter train... and then went on a second one, for good measure, and intentionally missed her stop on the way back so she could get a little extra meandering in before she had to face the music. And now here she was, finally back at her building.

The lobby was empty, save for a middle-aged security guard reclining in his booth. He barely looked up from his newspaper as she walked past. Shinji caught a glimpse of the stray cat that ate their garbage stalking around in the courtyard as she waited for the elevator. The carriage was empty when it arrived. It usually was, since only a couple people still lived there, but somehow it felt _more_ empty at two in the morning. The nixie tube display counted upwards, accompanied by an angry-sounding buzz as the elevator rose through the building. 

Shinji paused in front of her apartment, took a deep breath and instinctively flexed her hand a bit to build up confidence. After a moment, she swiped her keycard and opened the door, its handle faintly warm from the energized electronic lock. 

“I’m home,” she mumbled, as she flipped the hall light on. She kicked off her shoes and placed them neatly in the corner. The greasy WcDonalds bag still sat on the kitchen table, along with a pair of empty beer cans. Out in the living room, a handful more were stacked in a neat pyramid on the coffee table. Sometimes Shinji wondered if either of those two actually knew what a trash can was. 

Shinji slunk across the den and slid open the door to her room as quietly as she could. She changed into her pyjamas, a loose-fitting grey t-shirt and black gym shorts emblazoned with her previous school’s emblem. Sometimes she considered reaching out to the small group she used to hang out with over there, but it had already been several months, and she figured they’d probably all skipped town by then anyway, so it would probably just be super awkward. 

She crept over to the vanity to brush her teeth and retrieved her toothbrush from her allegedly personalized mug- Misato had ordered them when Shinji moved in, but due to factory error, Shinji’s mug ended up saying “SINJHI” instead. She flipped on the vanity light.

“Hey.” Asuka was standing right behind her. 

Shinji jumped out of her skin.

“I’m coming with you on Friday,” Asuka folded her arms and wouldn’t make eye contact. 

“Oh. Okay?” Did Misato egg Asuka on or something while she was gone? Shinji honestly kind of wished she would stay out of it if she was still obviously pissed.

“You need someone to help you pick out clothes,” Asuka lectured. “Otherwise you’ll end up getting something stupid, like striped kneesocks or a hat with cat ears.”

“Thanks, I guess.” Shinji loaded her toothbrush with toothpaste. Was there something wrong with kneesocks or cat ears? She thought that stuff was pretty cute. “Did... did Misato put you up to this?”

“I’m offering to help you purely out of the goodness of my heart, you idiot,” Asuka huffed. “Is that how you treat anyone who does you a favor? Mein Gott!” 

“Sorry.” She put the toothbrush to her mouth, and then stopped. She turned back to Asuka and whispered, “Have you ever seen a logo on anything that’s like, a triangle with seven eyes on it?”

“Nope!” Asuka replied at full volume. “What is that, some kind of horror manga thing? Did you get spooked reading Jump again or something?”

“Uh, maybe a little bit,” Shinji figured it was probably safer and more believable to just go along with that.

“Lord, you’re such a kid.” Asuka flipped her hair and started back towards her room. “Honestly, I can’t believe you haven’t pissed yourself in a fight yet.” She snorted. “Or maybe you have, and nobody can tell through all the LCL.”

Shinji finished up in the bathroom and landed on her bed like a falling anvil. As She drifted off to sleep, the image of that strange girl loomed in her mind, her globes of searing crimson perpetually boring a hole through Shinji’s insides from across the street. She hoped she’d get to see her again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not making up that bit about the mug up, btw. In the training montage bit in episode 9, you can see that Shinji’s mug is a misprint. I doubt it was an intentional detail, but like, of all people, Shinji *would* have that happen to her.


	6. Internalization/Examination/Correction

Shinji’s alarm went off and her eyes snapped open. The moonlight projected the shadow of her open window across the ceiling, and a cool breeze flowed in from outside. It wasn’t natural for humans to get up this early. Really, could you even call it “early?” The sun hadn’t even begun to think about rising yet. 

She shifted around in bed a bit and became acutely aware of an unwelcome dampness by her groin. She sighed heavily and scrunched up her fist. _Fucking wet dreams. How revolting._ She tried to clean herself up and changed into clean clothes. There wasn’t going to be time to take a bath before they had to leave for the sync test... though at least once they got to Nerv HQ, the decontamination process would annihilate whatever profane residue remained.

Shinji knocked on Asuka’s door. “Hey,” she waited a moment for a response. “We gotta start getting ready.” an unintelligible mumble spilled out from the other side of the door. Good enough.

She rapped on Misato’s door next. “Misato?” Nothing. She knocked harder. “Misato, we need to leave soon.” the sound of gentle snoring emanated from inside. That lady would sleep through an N2 explosion. Shinji opened the door and peered inside. Misato was lying face-down on her futon, limbs splayed in all directions. A puddle of drool had collected on her pillow by her mouth. Shinji inhaled sharply and entered the room. “Hey. Misato?” she repeated. Shinji knelt down next to Misato and reached out to touch her shoulder, hesitating briefly before she tried to shake her awake. She looked around the room, but instead of confidence, she just found empty junk food containers. “Hey. It’s time.”

Misato blinked her bleary eyes and sighed heavily. “Yeah, okay.” She sat up and wiped the slobber from her face with the back of her hand.

If the chart on the wall was to be believed, it was Misato’s turn to make breakfast, but... waiting around for that to happen would mean they’d all starve. Shinji stuck some bread in the toaster and filled the coffee machine with the last of a big tub of instant coffee, before setting about packing lunch for her and Asuka, pausing occasionally to make more toast. She laid their color-coordinated bento boxes out on the counter and filled them with seaweed and rice, grilled zucchini, onion and red bell peppers, and chicken. She rounded hers out with some cured salmon, but substituted it out in Asuka’s box with some kind of german sausage stuff Asuka liked instead. 

Asuka emerged from the depths of the apartment and plonked herself down at the table with all the grace of a tranquilized deer. Her hair gave the impression of a cloud of dust kicked up after a meteorite impact.

Shinji brought over a plate with the toast piled on it. “Good morning.”

“Mhm,” Asuka grabbed a slice of toast. 

“Coffee?” Shinji offered.

Asuka nodded drearily.

She poured them both a cup, sat down and grabbed her own slice of toast. 

Misato trudged into the kitchen looking like death warmed over. “Oh shit, you already made breakfast. Cool.” She made a beeline for the fridge. She pulled out a can of beer, sat down at the table, and cracked it open. 

“Do you really think you should be drinking right now?” Shinji chided, “You have to drive us somewhere in like twenty minutes.”

“Look man, sometimes you just need some of the hair of the dog that bit you.” Misato nursed her beer. “It’ll be fine, I know my tolerances.”

“You’re hungover,” Asuka sipped her coffee, “you obviously don’t.”

“ _God_ , you two are grumpy,” Misato grabbed a slice of toast. “Who pissed in  _your_ miso?”

* * *

 

By the time the trio made it to Nerv HQ, the sun had just barely started to illuminate the sky once more. They weren’t going to be seeing actual sunlight until at least mid-afternoon when the test was over, however. Not that they were actually doing much of anything for most of that time; the bulk of it was decontamination and waiting around for Dr. Akagi and them to finish reading whatever data they were getting.

“So Shinji, what kind of sync rate do you think you’ll get today?” Asuka swiped her keycard on the turnstile and the heavy metal gate creaked and moaned as it opened. “I’m shooting for the high-97s, but I think if I push it, I can probably break 98%.”

“Uh,” Shinji fished around in her bag for her wallet. “I dunno. If it’s at least in the 80s somewhere, I’ll be happy.” She pulled out her keycard and swiped it through the reader.

“You need to shoot higher than that,” Asuka chided, “80 is child’s play. You’re gonna be dragging us down if you score that low.”

Shinji rolled her eyes. Why did this have to be such a competition? Asuka always acted like there was some particular technique to these things she’d mastered, but as far as Shinji could tell, it came down to mood more than anything. She and Asuka had been scoring within a percent or two of each other for months now, anyway. 

“Can you two not start with that this early?” Misato yawned and keyed herself in. “Save it for when Ritsuko or whoever can deal with it instead.”

Misato grabbed one of the phones in the rotunda and dialed the synchronization lab. “Hey, it’s Katsuragi, we’re here.” she fidgeted with the phone cable. “Oh hey. Where’s Ritsuko?” she meticulously undid a kink in the cord with her spare hand. “Ah, gotcha. Should they just go to you, or...?” a pause. “Okay.” she snorted. “Dude, I’m going directly to bed after this.” another pause. “Yeah okay. See ya.”

She hung up the phone. “Apparently Ritsuko’s on a smoke break right now, and Ibuki’s gonna come up and get you, so sit tight for a bit. Uh, so I’m gonna go pass out for a couple hours. Call me when you’re done and I’ll pick you up.”

“Mmkay,” Asuka dropped her school bag on a bench and sat down.

Misato waved goodbye and headed back to the parking garage. 

Shinji retrieved her SDAT player from her bag. She started up the music and the familiar warm bass guitar and ethereal synth progressions greeted her like old friends. She took a seat on the bench next to Asuka. As she zoned out, she stared up at the ceiling, taking in the individual pockmarks in the corkboard tiles and the flickering fluorescent bulbs.

Asuka poked her in the shoulder. 

“Hmm?” Shinji pulled the earbuds out of her ears.

“You remembered not to put that fish stuff in my lunch, right?” 

“Yeah.” Shinji started to put the headphones back in. “I gave you some of that byrgenwurst or whatever it’s called.”

“Good. I don’t know how you guys eat that stuff, it’s gross.” Asuka stuck out her tongue.

“Have you even tried it?” Shinji compromised and only stuck in one earbud. The song sounded lopsided missing most of its keyboard track.

“Nope!” Asuka looked pleased as punch. “I wouldn’t touch raw fish if my life depended on it.”

Shinji rolled her eyes and went back to staring at the ceiling. 

A few moments later, Maya Ibuki emerged from the bowels of Nerv HQ holding a manilla envelope bursting with paperwork and two clipboards. “Good morning, you two. Ready to get going?”

“Yeah,” Shinji stowed her cassette player back in her backpack and hefted it over her shoulder. Asuka quickly followed suit, and they followed Ibuki back into the depths.

“I got the usual release forms for you to sign...” Ibuki pulled two thick tomes out of the envelope and handed one to each of the kids along with a clipboard. “We need signatures on pages 3, 17, 45, and 64. Miss Ayanami is already down in the decontamination zone getting suited up, so we should probably hurry.”

They boarded an elevator and began to descend. Ibuki broke the silence. “So, Ikari, I just want to say that... I’m really proud of you.” 

“Uh, like in general, or...?” Shinji wasn’t sure where this was going, but it made her uneasy.

“Oh! Uh, you know, for being forward about your identity like that. I remember when I was your age and I was just starting to figure out I was, y’know, Different-”

Shinji’s face flushed beet red, the searing heat of embarrassment filled her mind, and she started to feel like she might vomit. “How-how did you know? Did Misato tell you?” If she’d exposed Shinji like that, she didn’t know how she’d ever be able to look Misato in the eye again.

“No, no, no, nothing like that.” Ibuki waved her hand side to side. “Uh, I mean, Section 2 has all our dorms and stuff bugged, right? And, ah, word sort of gets around sometimes?” she paused for a moment. “I’m sorry, Ikari, I thought you knew all that.” Her face turned sullen.

Shinji’s head was spinning. “Does... does my father know?”

“I don’t know,” Ibuki looked at the ground. “He might. None of us really talk to him or anything, though.” she paused. “I think most of the others sounded pretty okay with it?” she forced a smile.

Asuka guffawed. “Oh give me a break. Do I have to put up with _two_ wondergirls now? Is Nerv just gonna turn into a big line of people applauding and congratulating Shinji forever? Scheiss drauf!”

Ibuki glanced knowingly at Shinij, but kept silent. 

* * *

 

Shinji wasn’t sure how she did on the sync test. Usually she could tune out the outside world and just focus on breathing and hearing the imperceptible rhythms and fluctuations emanating from the eva, but today it seemed that no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t filter out the racing thoughts in her mind. What about Asuka, what about father, what about the triangles-and-eyes people, what about that weird girl, what about... it never ended. 

She pressed the button on the wrist of her plugsuit and it came loose from her skin. That thing did some uncomfortable things to her groin, but she’d be lying if she said she didn’t appreciate how flat everything looked down there when the suit sealed up. She jumped in the shower and washed off all the LCL congealing on her face and in her hair, and donned one of the disposable paper-fabric jumpsuits to prepare to go back through decontamination. 

The thought struck her that maybe someday she’d be getting changed and showering in the womens’ locker room with everyone else. It was a bit unnerving to her, if she was being honest. For one, changing around other people just freaked her out in general. Even in school she’d always duck into a bathroom stall to change for gym class. But also, well, she _did_ find Asuka and Rei attractive, and she figured it would probably be pretty humiliating if she got hard while they were all changing together. She couldn’t imagine they’d feel great about that either. At least in, say, Ibuki’s case, it wouldn’t be so visibly obvious if something similar happened to her.

At long last, she finally exited the decontamination zone, showered again to scrub off all the ash from the xenon lamp blast, and changed back into her dress shirt and slacks. She was _starving_. It had been a good eight hours since breakfast by that point, after all. She grabbed her bag out of the locker and headed over to the mess hall.

Shinji searched around the cafeteria to try and find a spot to sit. As she wandered between tables, she kept catching people staring at her, and as she turned towards them, they’d awkwardly look away. Did they know? It certainly sounded like they might. The thought set her teeth on edge. 

Eventually she spotted Rei sitting alone at a table in the corner. “Hey, Ayanami,” she ventured, “do you mind if I sit here?”

Rei quickly looked up at her and then back down at her food. “There’s certainly room.”

Was that an invitation, or acquiescence? Whatever. At least she wasn’t giving her weird looks like everyone else. Shinji set her stuff down opposite Rei and produced her green and purple bento box from her bag. She unclipped the two compartments from each other and neatly set them down side by side. Inside, the vegetables and meats were still packed tightly together in a splash of greens and oranges. 

Shinji picked up her chopsticks. “Let’s eat.” 

Rei murmured in acknowledgement.  

Shinji unceremoniously crammed a fist-sized lump of rice into her mouth. She took a look over at what Rei was eating- looked like rice and some kind of leafy salad from the cafeteria, with a side of unidentifiable pills. Shinji had eaten Nerv food a couple times before when she’d accidentally left her lunch at home. Everything had this wilted rubbery texture to it, and the line cooks didn’t know how to cook a chicken to save their lives. 

She finished chewing. “Ayanami?”

“Yes?” Rei didn’t look up from her plate. 

“Do you think you’d like it if I packed you lunch for school and stuff?” Shinji took a bite out of a chunk of salmon. 

Rei paused. “There’s a cafeteria at school too.”

“No, but I mean,” Shinji tried to think of a good way to rephrase the question, “would you _like_ it?”

Rei looked up at her, though she didn’t make eye contact. Not that it was something she did much of anyway, that’s kind of just how she was.

Shinji ate a zucchini slice. “It wouldn’t be an issue or anything, I already make lunch for Asuka and Misato all the time.” 

“I would appreciate it.” the faintest hint of a smile flashed across Rei’s face.

The two ate in silence for a moment. “Just out of curiosity,” Shinji leaned in and whispered, “have you ever seen a symbol that’s like a triangle with seven eyes on it?”

Rei’s eyes widened almost imperceptibly. “Yes.”

“Really?” Shinji struggled to keep her voice down through the burst of excitement. “Where was it?”

“I can’t tell you.” Rei pushed some cabbage leaves around on her tray.

“Oh. Why not?” Shinji asked, although as soon as she did, she realized Rei was probably pretty intimidated by those goons too.

“I can’t tell you that eith-”

“THERE you guys are,” Asuka emerged from the crowd and clattered down next to Shinji. “Christ, I should’ve known you’d be hiding in some weird corner way in the back.”

Rei briefly looked Shinji in the eye and went back to focusing on her meal. 

“So wondergirl, did you hear the big news?” Asuka hastily unpacked her lunch. 

Rei didn’t respond. Shinji tensed up as if someone were about to deck her.

“Shinji’s a wondergirl _too_ now!” Asuka was practically shouting, although it didn’t carry far in the din of the mess hall. “We’re gonna go out to get him some- some pretty dresses and _panties_ after this, because he decided he’s gonna be a girl now!”

Rei looked over in Shinji’s direction. “I wasn’t aware you could do that.”

“Yeah, neither was I,” Asuka bulldozed over whatever thought Rei was trying to express. “But lo and behold, the infallible authority vested in our most holy and benevolent guardian Major Katsuragi has made it law.” She shoveled some vegetables into her maw. “So, how do you think you guys did? I’m dead certain I got above 98%.”

“Uh, I think I did fine?” Shinji lied.

Instead of replying, Rei pulled a heavily bookmarked textbook titled _Control Systems Engineering_ out of her bag, opened it to a random page, and started reading. Shinji began to feel guilty for deciding to sit next to her in the first place.

“‘Fine?’ come on Shinji, I thought we talked about this. You gotta do better than ‘fine!’” Asuka gestured at Shinji with her chopsticks, and Shinji noticed that she was holding them the wrong way. “‘Fine’ doesn't kill the angels.”

* * *

 

Misato sat in her living room, transfixed by the variety show on TV. One of the hosts was at some kinda museum trying to lift a gold bar through a hole in the side of a glass case for a contest. Suffice to say, it wasn’t going well. She ate another handful of wasabi peas and washed them down with a sip of beer. The phone rang, and she reluctantly got up to answer it, walked halfway over to the phone, then went back to grab the bag of peas first. 

“Hello? This is Katsuragi.”

“Hey.” Ritsuko’s voice came through the phone. “What’s been going on over there? Shinji and Asuka both scored really low on the test.”

“Oh, uh,” Misato munched on another handful of peas, “Well, they-”

“Are you eating right now? Ritsuko sounded indignant. 

“...Yeah?” Misato stopped chewing.

“Can you not?” Ritsuko complained “This is serious.”

Misato set the bag down on the counter. “Uh. Sorry.” She scraped the pea residue off her molars with her tongue. “Anyway yeah, so Shinji and Asuka got in a fight the other night over, uh, well, I guess Shinji realized she’d rather be a girl, and I thought, I mean, you remember Kei from uni right? We used to go drinking a lot together? She always seemed much happier once she started being a girl, so I figured that if Shinji was That Way, she’d probably be a lot better off if we let her do it, and so we were planning on going shopping for her later today. But then Asuka had a really bad reaction to it, and they’ve just been pissed at each other for the past couple days. Like I thought I’d gotten Asuka to buy into it a little bit, but she’s just been really sarcastic about the whole thing.”

Ritsuko sighed. “Hmm. Yeah, I’d heard something similar through the grapevine. I’ll just be blunt- I don’t know if it’s a good idea to let Shinji do that, honestly, especially if it’s going to impact their ability to synchronize like this.”  

“But why should that be Shinji’s problem? Asuka’s the one being a jerk here,” Misato protested, “I mean, if Shinji could just do it, I bet her sync rate and everything else would improve with her mood. You remember what happened with Kei-”

“Do _you_ remember what happened to Kei?” Ritsuko interjected, “This place isn’t safe for that kind of person anymore. And I don’t know if it ever really was. Even some of the Section 2 grunts were being pretty crass about Shinji; I’m not sure we can really guarantee her safety if we let her go through with this. And if anything happens to the pilots, we’re _fucked_.”

Misato stared at the floor. 

“Look,” Ritsuko’s tone became sincere, “you know those kids better than anyone. And if you truly believe that if you keep going with this, they’ll make up and get back on track, then I guess it’s your call. But if anything happens to Shinji...”

“Yeah, understood.”

“Okay. I hope you’re right, Misato, I really do.” she paused. “I have to get going. You’re in again Sunday night, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright. See you then.” Ritsuko hung up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey folks- I might end up skipping an update next week due to irl work, so here's a longer one to tide you over


	7. I May Be Thirsty, But That Doesn't Mean I Want To Be Waterboarded

Shinji sulked alone in the back seat of Misato’s car listening to music, awkwardly wedged between boxes of paperwork and empty bags of junk food. The car rattled and shook as the train screamed up through the geofront, back to the surface. She stared out the window at the geofront ceiling and took in the giant fiber-optic tubes from the surface carried down the full force of the daylight into the cavern.

“So, uh, Ritsuko called and said you two bombed the sync test” Misato turned around in the driver’s seat to face Shinji and Asuka. “What happened there? You both do really well usually.”

Shinji didn’t respond. What kind of stupid question was that? Asuka had been making her fucking miserable all week. Of  _ course  _ her sync test was thrown off.

Up in the passenger seat, Asuka folded her arms and sunk down in her chair. “This is all Shinji’s fault, for springing this wondergirl-two crap on me all at once.”

Shinji flexed her grip. “I haven’t even done anything yet. I just said I wanted to try it.” 

Asuka scowled. “Look, it’s just- it’s just a lot to take in all at once. Nobody can blame me for reacting like that!”

“Uhhm, okay, how about this,” Misato ran a hand through her hair. “Shinji, do you think you could lay out, like, some of the specifics of what you’d want to do? Maybe it would help if we were all kind of on the same page here.”

“Uh, I guess I’d have to think about it for a minute,” Shinji felt weird not having an immediate answer, but the sort of instantaneous changes she was used to daydreaming about weren’t exactly practical. 

A voice broadcast from a speaker in the train, announcing the approaching surface station. Misato started her car back up. 

“Well, uh,” Shinji started to feel a lump in her throat. “I, I guess I want to try out some girl clothes, um, which I guess we’re doing now. And, and I could try growing my hair out a bit? Maybe I could try some makeup too...” Listing her goals off like this felt like she was confessing to some grievous crime. “I, I guess I want, I, I, I just wish, uh, I wish people would see me as, y’know,” she felt the tears starting to well up. “As a girl.” the sense of guilt and shame she felt became overwhelming, and she began to cry. She turned to look back out the window to try and obscure her tears, though her ragged breath made her state clear.

Misato turned back towards Shinji, a concerned look on her face. She heaved a sigh and shifted the car into gear. “Okay. So with that, Asuka, is any of that  _ really  _ too much to adjust to?”

Asuka scrunched up her face and leaned into the corner between the car door and the passenger seat. “I  _ guessss  _ not,” she groaned, “but I don’t know how I’d ever see him as a girl when I’ve always known him as a boy.”

The train stopped at the station and Misato drove off onto the platform. “I mean, it takes a minute, but you get used to it,” she said, “but like, if Shinji starts wearing girl clothes sometimes after today, do you think you’ll be able to roll with it?” 

Asuka groaned. “Well I guess I can  _ try. _ ”

“That’s all I’m asking you to do.” Misato reassured her. “So do you still want to come, or should I drop you off at home?”

Asuka hesitated for a moment. “I’ll go with you. That idiot’s gonna get something stupid otherwise.”

* * *

 

Driving across the city to the mall was an arduous task. Throughout all the angel attacks, huge amounts of infrastructure damage had been dealt, both by the angels themselves and by the eva units. Overpasses were trashed, water and gas pipelines were exposed, the pavement was covered in giant footprints, and downed electrical wires littered the city center. Conscript road work crews had been dispatched all over the city to help repair the damage, but it was slow going, and every couple weeks another angel would just show up and blast everything to pieces again.

Shinji wished she could ask Asuka to do a little more than just “try” to adjust. What she truly wanted was for Asuka to wholeheartedly get behind her, or failing that, to just leave her alone. Anything where she wasn’t actively fighting her, basically. They still had to live together, after all. If being friends truly was too much to ask for, it would be nice to at least not be at each other’s throats for the rest of forever.

The trio came to an intersection blocked off by a handful of military police officers and their trucks. An officer waved them down a side street. Two others leaned against a truck, fiddling with their rifles. 

“What’s all that about?” Asuka mused.

“Uh, I saw on the news that there’s some big protest over in Miyashita park,” Misato explained, “Sounded like those Ayashii World fuckers are doing a rally again.”

“Didn’t they kill someone last time?” Shinji remembered, “I’m surprised they just gave them a permit again.” Shinji was vaguely familiar with Ayashii Worlders at best. She didn’t pay much attention to politics, honestly. She knew they were a big thing on the internet, but since Misato didn’t own a computer and the place she’d lived with her teacher didn’t have internet access, they were mostly a mystery beyond that. She understood in broad terms that they were pretty far right, but the specifics escaped her.

“It’s disappointing for sure,” Misato lamented, “I wish the government wouldn’t enable those types of people so much.”

“I mean, last time it only got violent because a gang of antifa thugs tried to pick a fight with them,” Asuka lectured, “So it wasn’t really their fault.” 

“I’m gonna give you a pass on that one because you’re a kid,” Misato’s voice was dripping with ire, “Like sure, picking fights with political opponents is bad, but those guys were chanting about walling off Kyushu and bombing Seoul all day, so I don’t think they warrant much sympathy.”

As they drove around the detour, Shinji caught a few glimpses of the demonstrators from a distance. They looked like they were mostly younger guys, and they were waving around picket signs and flags with designs that seemed reminiscent of iconography from the old empire, with some of those shift-JS cat things that Kensuke liked to draw mixed in. One sign she saw featured a scantily-clad anime girl who looked younger than Shinji. Eugh.

“Uh, so Shinji,” Misato sounded eager to change the subject, “do you have anything in mind for what you want to get today?”

“Hmm, I dunno,” Shinji mused. “Maybe some t-shirts and jeans?” Fashion was decidedly not her strong suit. She’d gotten in the habit of just wearing her school uniform everywhere, or failing that, nearly identical shirts and slacks. Aside from that, her old guardian usually just bought her clothes himself. She tried to think of what other girls her age wore, but her only real frame of reference was Asuka.  _ Does she have anything I’d want to wear? _ She thought. “I guess I kinda like Asuka’s yellow dress?” she ventured, “and her tank tops seem kind of nice.”

Asuka turned and gave Shinji a weird inquisitive look she couldn’t quite decipher. 

“Well, it’s a start,” Misato shrugged. “I suppose our resident fashion consultant can help narrow things down.”

“Well obviously,” Asuka folded her arms and lifted her nose to the air.

“Oh! I want to get an extra bento box while we’re there too,” Shinji remembered.

“Hmm? What for?” Misato asked.

“I offered to make Ayanami lunch for school,” Shinji explained. 

“And she said yes?” Misato sounded taken aback. “I’m surprised. Ritsuko always made it sound like she had to really twist her arm to get her to accept any kind of help. Good for her, I guess.”

Asuka turned back around. “Why? Wondergirl isn’t your problem, Shinji.” 

Shinji shrugged. “I dunno. She’s stuck eating gross Nerv food and whatever the school cafeteria has, so I figured she’d appreciate it. She just... seems like she could use someone looking after her, I guess.”

“Aww, that’s so sweet!” Misato turned and playfully nudged Shinji’s shoulder. The car swerved and pickup truck in the next lane leaned on the horn.

* * *

 

As the three of them navigated the mall, Shinji felt an increasing sense of both excitement and anxiety. She really had no idea what to expect, but...  _ girl clothes _ .  _ Her  _ girl clothes.

“I’m gonna leave you two to it. I gotta go refill on some makeup and stuff,” Misato explained, “Let’s meet back by the entrance in like 45 minutes or something.”

“That should be fine,” Shinji replied.

“Rest assured, this sad, delicate boy will be a veritable princess by then,” Asuka smirked.

Misato made a waving gesture across her throat. “Shush! Try not to draw attention to yourselves. We don’t know who’s in here. The last thing any of us wants is some kind of weird fight.”

“Oh please, it’ll be fine,” Asuka reassured her, “Come on Shinji, let’s get this over with.” she grabbed Shinji’s arm and pulled her into the depths of the store. 

Asuka dragged Shinji through the desolate cosmetics sales floor. Years ago, it might’ve been full of women wandering between booths, trying out perfumes and makeup, or getting their eyebrows waxed. Now, only a handful of stands were still staffed with maybe a half dozen customers distributed between them. They climbed up the broken escalator to the next floor, and the scene was much the same- few customers, bored staff.

Eventually they arrived at a section of the store populated mostly with patterned dresses and tops, short shorts, and skirts. Large pictures of smiling young women adorned the walls near the ceiling. A display in the center featured several mannequins dressed in trendy clothes. Shinji tried to picture herself in them, but their low-cut tops and flowing floral dresses were intimidating to someone who had lived in boys clothes all her life, save for about fifteen minutes the previous weekend. There had to be something in there that was familiar enough to ease into.

“I already have a sense for what you should get,” Asuka proclaimed, “so you can just hang out by the fitting room or something while I grab stuff.”

“Uh, shouldn’t I go with you so I can at least see if stuff fits first?” Shinji was concerned that she was apparently being cut out of the process.

Asuka thought for a moment. “Nah,” she concluded, “we’re about the same size, it should be fine. It’ll be easier this way.”

“I mean, if you insist?” Shinji wondered if Asuka was up to something.

“I do.” Asuka folded her arms and shifted her weight to one foot.

Shinji raised her hands in defeat. Maybe this would give her an opportunity to look for something a little more her speed, at least. She wandered off towards some t-shirt displays. 

Being alone in the women’s clothing section was kind of terrifying. It filled her with the same kind of anxiety as she felt when trying on Asuka’s uniform, like at any second some goon might jump out from behind a mannequin and accost her for doing a Bad Thing or being in the Wrong Place. Unlike that night, though, there were already several other young women milling about nearby. She tried to just avoid eye contact and focus on the clothes.

She unfurled a blue t-shirt with a geometric design and held it out to judge the size. The v-neck went a little low, but otherwise it didn’t seem  _ too  _ different from what she’d usually wear. She grabbed it and a similar black and green striped shirt before checking to make sure the coast was clear and scurrying off to look for the next item on her list.

Next she wanted to look for shorts. Asuka and Misato had those really short denim ones that she thought looked nice, but she figured her junk would probably be pretty visible in something like that. She found a pair of black shorts with a chevron pattern over the seam that looked like they’d probably be a little looser-fitting in the groin, and took them with her.

Shinji waited on a booth adjacent to the fitting rooms listening to music, her clothing haul piled on her lap. Though she caught one or two other shoppers looking her way, none came over to say anything. Maybe to them she looked like a put-upon boyfriend waiting for their girlfriend to change. It certainly wasn’t a comforting thought, but... whatever the case, it was preferable to them glaring at her like the folks at Nerv had. 

“Hey dork,” Asuka emerged from the mess of clothing racks holding an amorphous clump of fabric, mostly pink or covered in pastel floral print, with bits of lace as accent. “I got some stuff for you to try on.” She looked at the clothes on Shinji’s lap. “God, of course you’d pick out the most boring shit in the store on your own.” She ushered Shinji into a changing stall and shut the door behind them.

Asuka unraveled the clothing ball and placed each garment on the coathanger in the stall. Shinji thought most of them looked pretty, but the trepidation she’d been feeling about actually wearing any of what she’d seen only magnified. 

“Let’s try this one first.” Asuka pulled a colorful sundress out of the stack and held it out. 

“Uh, can I try on the stuff I picked out first? I uh, I’m not sure if I’d be comfortable in something like that yet,” Shinji stammered, “Um, and do you mind like, stepping out while I get changed?”

“Don’t be silly, Shinji,” Asuka placed the dress on the bench and stepped forwards, a baleful smile spread across her face. She began undoing the buttons on Shinji’s shirt. “This is what you  _ want _ , right? You want to be a girl, and this is being a girl.”

“What? No, I just- I need-” Shinji stammered as she swatted away Asuka’s hands.

“Don’t tell me you’re having second thoughts, after putting us through all this,” Asuka pointed an accusatory finger at Shinji. “Make up your damn mind!”

Without thinking, Shinji raised her hand and slapped Asuka across the face. 

Asuka froze in shock. Her cheek reddened where Shinji’s hand had connected.

“Fuck,” Shinji gasped, “I’m so sorry, I just, I don’t know what came over me.” She ran both hands through her hair. “Look, I... I just need to take this at my own pace. Okay?”

Asuka clenched her fists and scowled, but after a moment, she relaxed. “Fine. Yeah.” she massaged the red spot on her cheek. “Ugh, I’ll go wait outside.”

Shinji slumped down on the bench to collect herself. Hitting Asuka felt awful, even if she might have kind of deserved it. It conjured unpleasant memories of what had happened to Toji and the sensations of the dummy plug smashing her fists into- she tried desperately to push the thoughts out of her mind.

Upon recovering, she undressed and changed into the shorts and one of the t-shirts she’d picked out earlier. She looked in the mirror and was pleasantly surprised to see another glimpse of that strange but familiar smiling girl meeting her gaze. The outfit wasn’t exactly adventurous, but she liked how the shirt made her waist look. 

Her eyes fell on the dress Asuka had laid on the bench. It  _ was  _ pretty cute. It had an off-the-shoulder design, with long flowing sleeves attached at the bodice, and was adorned with an impressionistic sort of floral pattern in shades of blue, white, and eggplant purple.  _ Well _ , she thought,  _ I guess as long as it’s here... _

Shinji changed out of the shorts and t-shirt and tried to figure out how she was intended to put the dress on. Was it like pants, or like a shirt? She decided to go with “shirt.” Once she finished awkwardly struggling her way into the dress, she turned back towards the mirror and took herself in. She felt ecstatic seeing herself in the dress, though she still felt she lacked the confidence to wear something like that around other people. In any case, she knew what she was looking at in the mirror was a Shinji Ikari she’d like to be someday soon. She changed back into her school uniform, and grabbed her backpack and the clothes she’d liked, before opening the door. 

A tallish man holding a blazer and slacks walked past her stall and briefly looked her way, and did a double-take upon observing the changing room’s contents. “Hey,” he barked, “What were you doing in there? Are you some kinda pervert?”

Shinji stumbled backwards. “What? No, this is-” 

“You ought to be thrown out of the store,” the man cut her off. “I can’t believe this shit, goddamn dege- FUCK!” 

A foot had planted itself directly in his groin from the rear. The man doubled over, and Shinji could see Asuka standing over him, a troubled, conflicted expression on her face. She locked eyes with Shinji. “Well don’t just  _ stand  _ there Shinji, book it!”

Shinji and Asuka tore off through the store, sidling between racks of clothes and dodging mannequins as they ran. 

“Misato said she was getting makeup, right?” Asuka panted.

“Yeah, I think so,” Shinji responded breathlessly, “Uh, thanks for bailing me out.”

Asuka ran wordlessly for a moment before mumbling under her breath, “I don’t understand it. I don’t understand it one bit.”

They reached the escalator and Asuka deftly hopped on the railing and slid down. Shinji jogged down the steps after her while she waited impatiently at the bottom. Shinji kept her eye out for Misato’s bright red jacket as they weaved through the cosmetics floor, but she was nowhere to be seen. 

“Should we check by the entrance?” Shinji suggested.

Asuka nodded.

They doubled back through the sales floor and sped off towards the entrance. As they passed the elevators again, Shinji could see the man who had accosted her walk past the top, a tired-looking cashier in tow. “I think they’re looking for us,” Shinji commented between ragged breaths.

Asuka gave her an annoyed look. “Yeah. Of course they are. I just fucking neutered a customer.”

As they neared the entrance, Shinji caught sight of Misato standing alone, messing with her palm pilot, a Kameyu bag slung around her arm. Asuka called out to her as they approached.

“Hey, what’s up,” Misato stowed the PDA in her jacket pocket and took in the two panting teens in her midst. “Did something happen?”

“Shinji almost got into trouble,” Asuka explained, “but I fixed it and now everyone’s mad.” she paused to catch her breath. “So we should probably get out of here.”

“Uh, okay,” Misato turned towards Shinji. “Did you find anything good up there?”

Shinji nodded and produced the clothes she’d salvaged from the changing room.

“Cute stuff.” Misato nodded approvingly. 

The trio quickly navigated to a register and then hurried out of the store and back through the mall. When they got back to the car, Misato rummaged around in her bag and produced a few items.

“Okay Shinji, so I got you some stuff while you two were doing your thing,” She began, “first of all, I got you a bunch of these-” She handed Shinji a 12-pack of pastel-colored boyshorts-style underwear, “and also this,” She pulled out a training bra. “I wasn’t sure what size you’d be so it might be uncomfortable,” she admitted, “but uh, I think I remember that Kei used to like, stuff socks or something in hers and it looked pretty good. I dunno. Something to think about.”

Shinji was overjoyed. She hugged Misato tight as she could. “Thank you so much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey folks- I'm probably gonna switch to longer, less frequent updates like I did this time instead of doing short weekly chapters. it just seems better to wait than it does to split stuff up like I did with chapters 4 and 5
> 
> also shoutouts to AMX004_Qubeley's fic [The Human Abstract.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20020669/chapters/47406871) apparently this dross somehow inspired her to write her own (extremely good) trans shinji fic, which y'all should definitely read.


	8. Being Rei Ayanami

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW for some... medical abuse? Not sure exactly what to label it, but if doctors being horrible makes you uncomfortable, you might want to skip Rei's checkup, which ends at the first horizontal line break

What was “Rei Ayanami?” it wasn’t a person, exactly. As much as Dr. Akagi tried to pretend otherwise, the Rei that had existed as a child was an entirely separate individual than the one currently serving as the pilot of Unit 00. To the present Rei, it seemed like “Rei Ayanami” was more of a position she was assigned to than a concept that was essentially her. It was a set of duties and fragments of identity fabricated by Nerv, projected onto a canvas. When she inevitably died, whether by external causes or by her own hand, another body would promptly be fished out of that wretched tank in the basement and have the title of “Rei Ayanami” applied to it.

Rei found herself lost in thought as the shuddering elevator she occupied plunged down through the bowels of Nerv headquarters. Eating lunch with the other pilots had been an illuminating and bizarre experience. Those two were such weird people- though almost everybody seemed pretty weird to her to begin with. Even Commander Ikari was largely ineffable, despite all the time they’d spent together. 

The revelation that the pilot Ikari intended to be a girl had struck her like a bolt from the heavens. That was always the sort of thing she had assumed was immutable, something arbitrarily handed down by others. That’s how it seemed to work for her at least. She was a girl because other people told her she was, just like how they told her that her name was “Rei.” If she wielded the sort of agency Ikari apparently possessed -something she doubted, given her station- would she elect to change those things? She couldn’t say. There didn’t seem to be anything appealing to change them  _ to _ , unless opting out entirely was somehow an option. Perhaps that was something to speak with Ikari about in the future. 

It felt weird looking forward to seeing someone other than the Commander, but between her burning questions and the promise of a home-cooked meal, Rei found herself feeling uncharacteristically excited for the next time she’d get to speak with Ikari. She tried to temper her expectations, though. She’d learned by then that few people aside from the Commander had the patience to deal with what she’d come to understand as her “idiosyncrasies.”

In any case, the conversation almost made up for having to spend time around the pilot of Unit 02. Almost.

The elevator stopped at the entrance to the artificial evolution lab, home of the de facto “Rei” facility within the Nerv complex. Inside was housed the dummy plug plant, the spartan living quarters where she’d spent her oldest  _ true  _ memories, and Dr. Akagi’s examination room. She deftly navigated the labyrinthine corridors, past the massive reservoirs of LCL, across the catwalk over the stinking heap of gore where the mangled first attempts at evangelions were discarded, and eventually to the unassuming doctor’s office for her weekly checkup. She swiped her ID card on the door and let herself in. 

The first thing that hit her was the nauseating stench that seemed to permanently hang in that room. It smelled like a mixture of harsh disinfectant and formaldehyde, with hints of tobacco smoke. Rei felt around on the wall for the light switch and flipped it on. Her eyes stung as they adjusted to the light from the bright fluorescent lamps in the ceiling. She took a seat on one of the two rolling chairs that lie amongst the spectrum analyzers, oscilloscopes, filing cabinets and crates of medical supplies that otherwise filled the room. It was odd having the place to herself, usually Dr. Akagi was there first. Rei looked around and noticed that the Magi terminal haphazardly stacked on some electronic equipment was powered on, so maybe she’d just stepped out for a smoke break or something. She unzipped her school bag and retrieved the ancient control systems textbook from within, taking care not to damage its withered cover or fragile binding-

The door opened. “Oh shit!” Dr. Akagi exclaimed. She chuckled to herself. “God, you have a way of sneaking up on people, don’t you?” her voice had a vaguely raspy quality to it, as if bits of damp tree bark rubbed together in her throat as she spoke.

“I’ve just been sitting here,” Rei responded. She stowed the textbook as gingerly as she’d produced it.

Dr. Akagi coughed a few times into her sleeve and cleared her throat. “Mm. I, uh, didn’t expect you to get down here so quickly. You weren’t waiting long, were you?”

Rei shook her head. 

“Good.” Dr. Akagi took a seat on the other rolling chair and donned her spectacles. Rei wondered if she’d gotten them from the same place as the Commander; they had a similar way of catching the light just so. Dr. Akagi rummaged around in a filing cabinet and produced a sheaf of perforated printer paper and quickly thumbed through it. Satisfied, she crammed the pages back in their file folder and shoved the cabinet drawer closed.

“Ready to get started?” Dr. Akagi asked. She slotted a slip of paper into a clipboard. A wry scarlet-bordered smile cracked its way across her porcelain visage.

Rei didn’t respond. It wasn’t like she had any say in the matter. 

Akagi scowled. “I’ll take that as a ‘yes,’” she grumbled. “I need to draw some blood. Can you hold out your arm?” 

She complied, and Dr. Akagi tied off a rubber tube above Rei’s elbow. The searing heat of Akagi’s touch spread across her arm as the scientist’s yellowed talons probed around for a vein. The smell of tobacco smoke on Akagi’s form made Rei’s stomach turn as it mixed with the already noxious atmosphere.

“You’ll never guess how the sync test came out,” Akagi carried on conversationally, “You got the highest score.” she wiped the spot down with a swab of alcohol. 

“Oh?” Rei was surprised. The other pilots had soared ahead of her months ago, or so she thought... though she’d never really bothered to keep score.

“Yup. Shinji and Asuka both crashed and burned.” Dr. Akagi plunged a needle into her arm. Rei looked away. “I guess Misato’s up to some bullshit again. Just got done chewing her out over it, actually. Hold your finger there?” she removed the needle and rubber tube, placed them on top of an oscilloscope, and returned with a bandage. “Can you step on the scale next?”

“Is this related to Ikari being a girl now?” Rei inquired.  

“Ugh, don’t you start with that too,” Dr. Akagi fiddled with the weights, “I wouldn’t lend much credence to it, honestly. It’s probably some weird sex thing Misato’s pushing on him.” she frowned, and recorded Rei’s mass onto her clipboard. “You should really put some meat on those bones. No boy likes a skeleton.”

Rei struggled to think of a less appealing prospect than getting even more unwanted attention from other people than she already did,  _ especially  _ from leering men.

“How did you find out about that stuff with Shinji anyway? I never pegged you for much of a gossip,” Dr. Akagi handed her an ear thermometer. 

“The other pilots sat with me at lunch.” Rei applied the device and handed it back to Dr. Akagi.

“Well fuck me, aren't  _ you  _ the little social butterfly,” Akagi recorded Rei’s temperature, “Before I know it, you’re gonna be besties with  _ both  _ Ikaris.” she dug a blood pressure monitor and stethoscope out of a cardboard box. “Blood pressure’s next.”

“Perhaps.” Rei sat patiently as Dr. Akagi fitted the cuff on her arm and pumped it full of air. “Though you’re much closer with both of them than I ever could be.” Even though the Commander fawned over and protected her, she couldn’t help but feel a nagging doubt that he was more interested in the idea of “Rei Ayanami” than the person she actually was. And though the pilot Ikari seemed pleasant, she’d only really interacted with her a small handful of times.

Dr. Akagi glowered up at her as she scribbled down the readout on the blood pressure gauge, her astringent envy-colored globes partially obscured by light reflecting off her spectacles. “Well, people don’t usually get very close with their  _ toasters  _ either.” she set the clipboard aside. “I’m gonna check on that infection on your tongue.”

“It’s... mostly healed over,” Rei explained. It still stung if a bit of food collided with it, though it was nothing compared to before this past round of antibiotics.

Dr. Akagi slid on a pair of periwinkle blue nitrile gloves. “I’m gonna check on it,” she commanded, her tone mordant and dripping with antipathy. She fished a tongue depressor out of a carton left atop a filing cabinet.

_ Oh _ .

She wheeled her chair close to Rei such that the aroma of tobacco smoke fully overpowered the rancid stink that hung in the room. “Open your mouth.”

Sometimes it seemed like any comment Rei made about the Commander was enough to set her off. She leaned back in her chair a bit and shook her head. A manic Dr. Akagi frightened her more than any angel... though it was hardly surprising that being backed up by thousands of tons of flesh and steel did wonders for her confidence.

Dr. Akagi pounded her fist on her knee. “ _ Rei! _ ”

After hesitating a moment, Rei relented and opened her mouth. Akagi responded by stuffing most of her hand inside to pry away her cheek. She pinned Rei’s tongue against the other side of her mouth with the tongue depressor and briefly peered in at the healing sore. She pushed the depressor back towards Rei’s throat, and Rei struggled and failed to repress her gag reflex. She retched violently, but the foreign hands stayed in place. 

Rei grabbed Dr. Akagi’s forearms and made a feeble attempt to pull her hands out of her mouth, but the older woman’s strength was overpowering to a girl who tired walking up the stairs to her classroom. She heaved again, and her eyes began to water. Somewhere inside her, the animal part of her brain took control as if it were her own personal dummy plug, and she bit down as hard as she could on the fingers invading her body.

Dr. Akagi howled and swore as she stood and yanked her hands from Rei’s mouth. Rei gasped for breath. She spat out the tongue depressor and wiped some drool from the side of her mouth with her forearm. Akagi stepped forward and shoved her away with her foot, and Rei’s chair careened backwards. It crashed into a stack of electronic equipment and she fell to the ground in a heap.

“Watch your fucking mouth, Rei,” Dr. Akagi warned, brandishing an accusatory finger in her direction, “I’m the only thing keeping your body alive. And god help you if you  _ ever  _ try something like that again.”

* * *

 

Rei trudged back up through the artificial evolution laboratory, limp and defeated. That old hag seemed to be getting worse by the day. A tiny, sputtering ember deep in her core wanted nothing more than to crush Dr. Akagi under the heel of Unit 00, but she’d long since resigned herself to her fate. The hag was right, after all. Without her, Rei would be subjected to the experience of her own body decomposing before her eyes. She remembered what it was like, being off her medication. The vomiting, her fingernails falling off, the seizure. The only way Rei saw to survive was to be the docile, pliable doll the others expected her to be, and that meant quietly enduring Dr. Akagi’s fits of sadism.

She boarded the rickety cargo elevator that led up through the cavernous hollow that made up the depths of the facility, back to Central Dogma. As she rose, she looked down through the inky blackness to the catwalks and laboratory buildings below her. If she never saw them again, it would be too soon. But of course, the next visit was perpetually right around the corner.

The surface levels of the headquarters were bustling with activity as security guards, secretaries, and technicians swarmed the corridors. As always, Rei caught her fair share of stares from them as she traversed the installation. Somehow whatever novelty she posed to the others never seemed to wear off, even after five years of sharing the facility. She’d long since accepted how alien they all seemed to her, when would they do the same? 

By the time she reached the surface of Tokyo-3, the sun was already beginning to set. The orange light scattered off the metal and glass skyscrapers that dotted the skyline, adding splashes of color between their long, deep shadows. Rei made her way over to a convenience store next to the commuter train station to pick up something for dinner. She wished that there was a place closer to her apartment, but she was pretty sure she was the only person living in that entire part of the city. Her only neighbors were emaciated stray cats and a quarreling band of crows. 

The door chimed as she entered the shop, and the cashier called out a languid greeting, which she barely acknowledged. A pack of disheveled youths in decaying gakuran skulked about in the back of the store among the refrigerated shelves, the brass buttons on their coats showing more signs of life than their dead fish eyes. A news anchor pontificated from a TV hung on the ceiling about “violent communists” attacking some kind of protest group. Rei sidled past the shambling delinquents and picked an umeboshi-filled onigiri and a flavored tea drink out of the fridge.

“Never seen a girl like you before,” one of the derelicts gawked. His voice was sharp and brash as a static shock. “So how about it? You busy tonight?”

Rei glared back at him and his misplaced confidence seemed to wane. 

“Uh, I mean, I was just kidding,” he stammered, “Y’know, unless-”

She turned and shuffled off to a different part of the store to grab a taiyaki. The leering reprobate called her a freak as his jeering cohorts teased him over his failure. Rei did her best to ignore them. She approached the forlorn heap of a cashier and paid for her items, careful to not somehow accidentally disincorporate the woeful old man into a puddle of goo on the floor by looking at him too hard. 

Rei boarded the train home, and found a seat in a car occupied only by a slumbering office lady, spindly in build and armed with fierce, expertly-applied makeup. Bright orange light poured through the windows and cast austere shadows of the traincar’s two occupants. The woman woke after a few minutes and looked around frantically. Her eyes widened as she saw Rei.

“Hey,” the woman called out across the car, “are you like, some kinda ghost? Am I, uh, am I dead?”

Rei turned in her direction. “No.” 

“Okay, phew, I got kinda scared there,” the lady wiped her brow with a flourish. “I just thought, you know, you kinda look like...” she trailed off. “Fuck, I think I missed my stop.”

Other people were so exhausting.

* * *

 

The walk from the station to her apartment was mercifully uninterrupted, just her, her thoughts, and the repetitive clanging from the demolition site a few blocks over. In the few years she’d lived out there, her brain had become proficient at tuning out the deafening industrial noise, and it barely even registered anymore. She wondered what would happen when it was finally time for her building to get demolished. Would Nerv move her to a quieter, cleaner part of town? It would certainly be nice. But that probably meant they wouldn’t. In all likelihood, they’d probably just shove her back down in the artificial evolution facility.

As she approached her building, she noticed a yellow DHU van parked outside on the street. Was someone moving out? She was dead certain she was the only person left in her building by then. As she got closer, she saw a laborer carry a box  _ out  _ of the truck. Was... was someone moving  _ in _ ? She climbed up the stairwell on the side of the building and made her way to her apartment. On the way up, she saw a pile of boxes laid out in front of a flat on the floor below her, its door ajar. Well, it wasn’t the strangest thing she’d seen that day. 

She let herself into her apartment. The place was dark- the window by her bed faced out to the east, so the light that streamed in through the curtains had long since begun to fade. The kitchen area by the entrance was left in its usual state of disuse, stove burners full of cobwebs and microwave clock flashing “00:00” in perpetuity. The dim light from outside lit the concrete walls and floor up a dull blue-grey. The air in the apartment was hot and stuffy on account of the faulty A/C system, and opening the window would only let in the choking dust from the demolition work outside.

Rei set her bag down next to her bed and removed her shoes. She stacked her textbook and dinner on top of the unmade sheets, inspecting each item to make sure they weren’t jostled too much on the train. Next, she methodically removed her school uniform and placed its components, folded, on the cardboard box behind her bed frame before setting off for the shower. The water in the apartment had a habit of choosing a temperature at random every day and sticking to it, no matter how she manipulated the controls. Tonight it was lukewarm, which, all things considered, was a nice break from the heat and humidity outside. She supposed she was lucky the apartment still had running water at all. 

She dried herself off and donned the Nerv hospital gown that served as her sleepwear. The day had utterly drained her. Hopefully getting in a bit of reading would at least help take her mind off things. Rei climbed into bed and propped herself up against the metal bed frame, positioning the overhead reading lamp to her satisfaction. She balanced the textbook on her lap while she unwrapped her onigiri. Eating in bed was probably an awful habit to have gotten into, but it wasn’t like she had a desk or anything in there anyway.

Rei found where she’d left off in the book and got to reading. Some of the math it described was flatly above her- she had no idea what a “Laplace transform” was, for instance, but the concepts contained therein were fascinating to her nonetheless. The same could be said for most of the books she received from the Commander. They covered all kinds of disparate disciplines, some biology or physical science, some engineering, some theology, but one thing united them- a printed label on the inside cover that read “If found, return to Yui Ikari, Metaphysical Biology Department.”

As Rei’s eyelids grew heavy, she set the book down beside the bed and prepped her evening cocktail of medications. Immunosuppressants, amino acid and protein supplements, hormone regulators, and a handful of other pills, sprays, and serums containing chemicals she couldn’t find mention of anywhere. Dr. Akagi was no help in identifying them, of course. She seemed to like keeping Rei in the dark about her own body.

Rei felt a sort of kinship with the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park, one of the handful of fiction novels mixed in with the late Dr. Ikari’s textbooks, though she wished needing lysine was the extent of her problems. At least the  _ procompsognathus  _ could become whole by altering their diet. To Rei, it seemed like she was going to be stuck with Nerv and Dr. Akagi forever.

Oh, to have the freedom of a utahraptor terrorizing livestock in rural Costa Rica. Rei turned out the lights and climbed into bed. Even as uncomfortably hot as the room was, she pulled the covers up and wrapped them around her body. The sheets’ soothing embrace gently lulled her tired body to sleep.

* * *

* * *

 

Rei awoke with a start, her sheets twisted into knots around her body and her hands grasping at something that wasn’t there. Had she been dreaming? It wasn’t something that happened very often. One way or the other, she sure didn’t  _ remember  _ anything. The golden sunlight shone through her curtains, and outside, the work crews had gotten started for the day, pounding away at... whatever it was they were doing. 

Her stomach growled, and she realized she should probably go get something to eat. She ran through her morning routine mechanically: medication, shower, school uniform. She applied a coat of sunscreen to her face, arms, and other exposed bits and stepped outside. The scintillating sunlight blinded her for a moment as she stepped out onto the walkway. The sound of someone speaking down on the street was just barely audible over the ever-present clanging, and she took a look over the railing to investigate. Below, she saw a handful of cats gathered around something.

When she reached the bottom of the stairwell, she saw a girl about her age sitting on the curb, feeding the pack of strays what looked like canned tuna. The girl looked... normal? Not as in “like a regular person,” because she most certainly did not. Rather, the girl lacked the kind of fundamental air of otherness and monstrosity that Rei felt emanating from most people. Rei was torn on whether this was comforting or impossibly alarming.

The girl looked up, and met Rei’s gaze. Her messy grey hair came down to just above her shoulders, and her eyes were the same deep red as Rei’s. She wore what appeared to be some kind of catholic school uniform, with a pleated red and green plaid skirt and a white blouse with a pocket on the left side adorned with a sephirot pattern. Her features were angular and her adam’s apple was somewhat pronounced. 

The girl waved. “Hello there,” her voice was warm and earthy. “You must be Ayanami, correct?”

“Yes,” Rei responded. “Who are you?” the fact that she already knew who Rei was set her on guard.

“How wonderful,” the girl smiled brightly. “I’m Nagisa. Kaworu Nagisa. It’s absolutely brilliant to meet you. I believe we’ll be working together soon- I’m to be the fifth child, you see.”

This person kept getting more and more suspicious. “May I see your Nerv ID?” Rei asked.

“I haven’t been officially assigned yet, I’m afraid,” Nagisa shrugged, “Though your Commander should be receiving the order any day now.”

“I find that hard to believe,” Rei concluded. Wasn’t that usually up to the Marduk Institute? It wasn’t something that could just arbitrarily be decided through nepotism.

Nagisa sighed. “I suppose that’s fair.” she turned her attention to a cat rubbing its face up against her shin, and reached down to pet it behind the ears.

Sensing that their conversation was over, Rei turned and started off towards the station.

“Where might you be off to?” Nagisa called after her. 

“Getting food.” 

“Oh, sounds delightful!” Nagisa stood. She was a good head taller than Rei, and her build was similarly wiry. “May I join you?”

Rei shrugged. “I can’t stop you.”

“It’s settled, then!” Nagisa clapped her hands together. “I believe this is the start of a beautiful friendship,” she grinned, emitting an intoxicating warmth. 


	9. Trials of the Cat shepherd

Ritsuko reached for her coffee mug and took a sip. Perfectly tepid coffee filled her mouth and she grimaced, forcing herself to swallow. Fucking gross. She took a look at the terminal on her desk to check how much headway Melchior had made in analyzing Rei’s “blood” sample. How many kittens must the Akagi family have tossed to the sea in previous lives to get roped into the care and feeding of that creepy fucking zombie child? Keeping that thing looking and functioning like a normal person with a regular human body was a full-time job on top of all the more important shit she’d rather be doing, like finally getting the Evas repaired or finding another goddamned pilot. 

She examined the bite marks on her thumb.  _ God, I’m probably infected. I’m gonna turn into a Rei now.  _ A smirk briefly crossed her face, replaced by a scowl.  _ Maybe at least then Gendo would give a shit about me again _ . She snatched up her coffee mug and wandered over to the break room. 

Inside, the usual cabal of lazy techs were hanging out at the near table, eyes glued to the baseball game playing on the TV. Looked like... Hakone Snow Monkeys vs. Hokkaido Fighters? Towards the far end of the room, Maya and Hyuga were chatting about something, Maya perched on the corner of the countertop, and Hyuga leaning against it next to her. As Ritsuko entered, Hyuga nudged Maya’s knee with his elbow and indicated in her direction. Maya looked over, turned beet red, and fixated her gaze on the thermos cradled in her hands. Hyuga chuckled and appeared to tease her a bit. That poor girl was a wreck.

“Hey, Dr. Akagi,” Hyuga waved. 

Ritsuko nodded curtly to both analysts and made a beeline for the sink to rinse out her mug. She noted with much chagrin that the coffee pot was empty. 

“Ibuki, can you pass me the coffee grounds?” she opened the lid of the coffee machine and removed the old grimey filter from the device as if it were a splatter of roadkill.

“Oh! Yes, of course, ma’am!” Maya awkwardly twisted around in place and fished out the tub of instant coffee from the cupboard, as well as the package of filters. She hopped off the counter and came trotting over. 

Ritsuko tried really hard not to care that her buttox had been on a surface where people made food. She thanked Maya and filled up the machine.

“Um, so Hyuga and I were talking about something,” Maya ventured. “So, uh, you know what’s been going on with Ikari, right?”

“Vaguely, I guess.” Ritsuko grimaced. She started the coffee maker.

“Right, so like, I was thinking,” Maya continued, “do you think Nerv would be able to do the whole gender clinic thing for her like they used to? Y’know, since like, the NHS stopped doing it and all.”

“I mean, you’d have to talk to someone at the hospital probably,” Ritsuko deflected, “I’m not really in charge of any of that stuff.” She paused. “I dunno how much they’re gonna want to resurrect a niche psychiatric regimen for one kid, though.” Why was everyone so pumped to take Ikari’s weird gender thing to the extreme? It was probably either just some errant, possibly Misato-driven sex thing, or a passing curiosity of his. In either case, he’d just be back to normal in a month if everyone just let it run its fucking course and didn’t encourage it.

“Yeah, but,” Maya looked away, “I feel like we kinda owe it to her, you know? Like after all she’s done for us, and, and,” she started to sound a little choked up. “And after, y’know, all the shit we’ve put her through.”

“Also, I bet your word would get a lot further with the hospital than either of ours would,” Hyuga interjected.

Ritsuko sighed. “Uh, I guess I can look into it for you.” This was gonna be such a mistake.

* * *

 

Shinji took a deep breath and looked down at herself. The blue t-shirt and shorts she’d picked out the previous day still looked nice on her, she thought, and she liked how the results of Misato’s bra-stuffing idea had worked out. It was just so embarrassing. She opened the door to her room and stepped out into the hall.

“THE GODDESS HAS EMERGED FROM THE CAVE!” Kensuke shouted, thrusting his fists in the air with passion. He swiftly regained his composure and pointed his camcorder back toward Shinji.

“Aw, fuck,” Shinji threw her hands in front of her face. “Why are you recording this?!”

“Because,” Kensuke assured her, “these are important memories, Shinji! Years from now, you’re gonna look back on all this and be like ‘Oh wow, that’s the first time I wore girl clothes! Thanks, Kensuke!’ because I had the good sense to capture it on film.”

From the kitchen, Asuka leaned back in her chair so her head poked out from behind the sliding doors. “ _ Soooo amaziiiing _ ,” she grumbled. “Can we fuckin order food already? I’m starving.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Kensuke sighed. He pointed the camera towards himself.  _ Has she been like this the whole time? _ He mouthed, gesturing over his shoulder. He directed the camera back at Shinji.

_ Way worse, _ Shinji responded.

Kensuke rolled his eyes into the camera and ended the recording. He cleared his throat and started back towards the kitchen. “Uh, so I think that chuka place we usually do closed down finally. Wanna just do pizza?”

“I can’t do pizza,” Asuka objected. “Dairy will literally murder me, and I’m out of lactase.”

“How are  _ you  _ the only one of us who’s lactose intolerant?” Kensuke mused. “What else is even still open?” 

The trio thought for a moment, and Kensuke broke the silence. “There’s still a Sunshine Burger down the street, right? Should we just get something there and take it back with us?”

Asuka sighed. “Yeah, I guess that works. Ugh, we just had WcDonald’s the other night though.”

“Uh, I’ll go change and then we can head out,” Shinji offered. She turned to go back to her room.

“Why not come as-is?” Kensuke proposed, “It’ll be fun, probably.”

Shinji wasn’t sure that going out in public en femme was her idea of fun. It was more like a nightmare. “Uh, I’d rather not. I wouldn’t want, like, someone to try to start something or whatever.”

“If there’s three of us, I doubt anyone would try anything. It’ll be like, uh, social camouflage or something.” Kensuke explained. “Like if the two of us act like nothing’s weird, everyone will just ignore us.” he cleared his throat and looked off towards the floor. “And uh, you honestly do look pretty convincingly girly like that.”

“Really?” Shinji felt the butterflies in her stomach go wild. 

“God, just make out already,” Asuka called from the kitchen, “Anyway, If someone tries to mess with us, I’ll fuck ‘em up. This right foot has killed once and it’ll do it again!” a thump carried through the apartment, followed by a scooting noise and clattering from Kensuke’s toppled miniatures as Asuka kicked a table leg.

Shinji flexed her hand a bit. “I  _ guess  _ I can try. I dunno. It’s a bit intimidating.” 

“It’ll be fiiiine,” Kensuke reassured her.

* * *

 

When Ritsuko returned from the break room, she noticed a capsule had landed in her pneumatic tube terminal. She screwed open the lid and dug out its contents- a small packet of documents held together with paperclips, and a hastily written memo scrawled on a page from a yellow legal pad. The memo read:

> Good morning Dr. Akagi,
> 
> The old men handed down a decree during the meeting last night- apparently they have a pilot they want us to use. Attached is all the info they sent us off with. It’s really not much, just some heavily redacted biometrics, basically. Oh, and a completely baffling claim that the kid scored a 99.9% sync ratio with a partial Evangelion they somehow got their hands on. The Commander and I are a bit disturbed, to say the least.
> 
> Good luck making sense of this,
> 
> Kozo Fuyutsuki 

Risuko flipped through the packet. Like the Vice Commander had said, most of the data included was blacked out, leaving only the basics. Name: Nagisa, Kaworu. Height: 171cm. Weight: 60kg. Normal enough, though they were probably built like a stick insect. Then came the weird stuff. Their date of birth was September 13th, 2000, the day of Second impact. Place of origin and parentage were blacked out. Somehow there was sync test data, though no Eva unit was specified, and none of the mass production models had pilot interfaces yet, to say nothing of how they would’ve procured a compatible core in the first place. Plus she would’ve known if another facility was running that kind of test. In all likelihood, she would’ve flown out to wherever it was and conducted it herself, like she’d done with Soryu in Germany. 

Also included were carbon copies of enrollment paperwork at Lachrymose Saint Fripp’s Sundered All-Seeing Eye, an all-girls catholic school over in the old part of town. Transferring her over to First Municipal was gonna be a pain. All that custody paperwork, too... and then she’d have to fabricate a paper trail back through Marduk, on top of that. Plus, without any hints at the kid’s background, she’d have to go talk to her  _ first,  _ instead of getting all the paperwork filed and the contact experiment executed beforehand and just waiting to swoop in and say “You’re coming with us now, pack your things,” like she’d done with the rest of the backup pilot candidates. How was she even going to  _ get _ a contact experiment running without any idea of who her parents were? Maybe Seele had already taken care of that...  _ somehow. _

Ritsuko sighed. Being a one-woman conspiracy was a lot of work.

* * *

 

Between the unbearable heat and humidity, and the terror of going out in girl-mode for the first time, Shinji found herself drenched in sweat as she followed her peers to the burger joint. She tried to follow Kensuke’s advice and play it cool, but it took all of her willpower not to just sprint back to the apartment, especially considering what had just happened at Kameyu the previous evening. But the streets were quiet and the handful of passers-by they encountered didn’t seem to notice, or if they did, maybe they just didn’t care.

“Oh, I’ve been meaning to ask,” Kensuke mentioned, trying to sound casual, “you don’t happen to know if Nerv chose a new pilot recently, do you?”

“Fucked if I know,” Asuka quipped, “They don’t tell us shit.”

Shinji envied the distance Kensuke must have to still want to pilot Eva even after everything that had happened. She couldn’t understand it, he’d been in the cockpit with her in battle right after they’d met, and he knew what happened to Toji, how could he still make light of it? It was the one quirk of his that she felt she’d never truly be able to see past. 

“Hmm,” Kensuke pondered. “I’m asking because, well, on the way over to your place, I saw Ayanami on the train. She was with this other girl who was even weirder than her, somehow. She was like, super pale with red eyes, kinda like Ayanami, and she looked like, like a  _ bug  _ or something? I dunno. It felt like my brain was melting out my ears just looking at her. You guys know who that was?”

A chill ran down Shinji’s spine. So Rei was friends with that weird girl from the other night? Something seemed odd, usually the only person she spent time with was father. If she was just out on the town, were the strange G-men still skulking around with her? She figured that if Kensuke was talking to them about it, he must not have encountered them. 

“What? Kensuke, did you pass out on the train after looking at alt.paranormal all night again?” Asuka teased.

“Uh, I don’t know who she is, but I’ve seen her before.” Shinji spoke up. “I saw her in an alley by the bookstore a couple nights back. There were some weird like, secret agent guys with her or something.” she decided to leave out the part about almost maybe getting shot at.

“I bet she’s some kinda human-variant alien, like the Zentradi,” Kensuke concluded, nodding to himself. 

A welcome burst of cool air washed over the trio as they entered the restaurant. Inside, the pop music playing over the radio echoed across the empty booths, granting the music an ethereal, vaporous quality. A glum-looking twenty-something boy sat at a table by the window, reading. 

The lone cashier looked up at her new customers, seemingly startled. “Oh! Uh, welcome to Sunshine, where the food brightens your-”

“Yeah, hi,” Asuka strutted up to the counter and cut the cashier off before she could finish her company-mandated greeting. “Gimme uhh,” she looked over the menu. “Gimme a kraut and sausage slam, and uh,” she turned to address her entourage. “Should we get like, a shitload of chicken nuggets too in case we get hungry while we’re playing?”

“Probably a good idea,” Shinji concurred. 

Kensuke folded his arms. “...Okay, but if you two get grease on any of my stuff I’ll start fudging my rolls.”

“Whatever dude,” Asuka wheeled back around to the now quite irritated cashier. “Okay, so the sandwich, and also like forty nuggets. And a soda.”

The cashier hastily punched in the order, and Asuka dug a fistful of change out of her wallet. Kensuke ordered next, and finally, the cashier turned to Shinji. 

“And what can I get for you, uh,” the cashier scanned Shinji up and down, “...miss? ” she guessed, her confidence in the assertion firm as quicksand. 

Shinji’s face lit up, and she felt a pleasant tingling run through her body as the realization of what had just happened sunk in. A total stranger, unprompted, had read her as a girl! She ordered her food, trying her hardest not to digress into ecstatic giggling. She joined her companions by the soda fountain.

“Well aren’t  _ you  _ pleased as punch,” Asuka mocked. She took a sip of soda for dramatic effect. “You’d think the Commander gave you a hug or something.”

Shinji tried not to let her comment ruin the moment, but she’d be lying if she said it didn’t hurt. Sometimes it seemed like Asuka couldn’t even let her have the smallest victories.

* * *

 

“Yes? What is it?” Gendo’s familiar terse greeting transmitted over the telephone. 

“Hello, Commander,” Rituko replied, “I took a look over the documents the Vice Commander sent me this morning, and I have some concerns- do you have a moment?”

“I suppose,” he grumbled. “Professor Fuyutsuki is here as well, I believe he’s more familiar with the specifics.”

“Good afternoon, doctor,” Fuyutsuki’s voice was quiet, apparently just barely in range of the speaker.

“Oh, I didn’t interrupt a game, did I?” Ritsuko apologized. 

“You did.” Gendo complained.

“Don’t worry about it,” Fuyutsuki reassured her, “The board isn’t going anywhere.”

“Thank you.” Ritsuko cleared her throat. “So there’s a lot of missing info in there, obviously, but it’s nothing we weren’t able to fudge with Rei II back in the day, so I’m not really worried too much about that. I’m planning on meeting with Nagisa Monday afternoon to get some of that stuff sorted. Probably issue some temporary Nerv paperwork, too. I’d appreciate if one of you could be there as well so we can all be on the same page.”

“I’m having dinner with Rei that night,” Gendo stated, matter-of-factly.

Ritsuko tightened her grip on the receiver, causing the plastic to creak. Fucking Rei. Gendo hadn’t bothered to take Ritsuko on a date in what, two or three months? He hadn’t even so much as fucked her in the broom closet in weeks, either. But somehow he’d still duck out of important business to attend to his weird, Freudian fixation on that freak. 

“I can make time,” Fuyutsuki assured her. 

“I’ll keep you posted,” Ritsuko loosened her grip on the phone and ran her free hand through her hair. “Uh, so the part that really concerns me is the sync data. For one, we would’ve known about the test. But also, none of the Eva Series in production right now are complete enough to sync with, and even if they were, there’s no way to sync in the first place without swapping in a specialized core, which I flat-out can’t believe Seele could do without us noticing.”

“Our theory was that they must’ve sneaked into one of the American branches while either Unit 03 or Unit 04 were in production,” Fuyutsuki explained, “Lord knows the Americans are awful at security.”

“Mm,” Ritsuko agreed. She desperately hoped this didn’t turn into another scenario where she was pulling her hair out trying to get the Americans to take her seriously for once. Major Coburn was such a pig.

“As for the core, the only thing we could think of is that maybe they’ve been working on their own hybrid series, similar to the Reis,” Fuyutsuki continued, “I remember back when we were working on Rei I, your mother theorized that it would’ve been possible for Rei to sync with Unit 01 to arbitrary levels if the Eva didn’t already have a resident soul, since in a way, they sort of occupy different parts of the same body. It’s possible that Seele may have built off of that and made their own sort of hybrid, but based in Adam instead of Lilith, and then she’d be able to sync with all Adam-based Evangelions.” he paused. “The other possibility is that they might’ve already known all that from the beginning and have generated the starter for Nagisa on-site in Antarctica at some point after the Commander left.”

Ritsuko’s mouth hung open. “Hang on,” she tried to regain her composure, “are you telling me that our new pilot is an  _ angel? _ ”

“We don’t know that for sure,” Fuyutsuki assuaged her, “but even if her body is in fact made from Adam’s flesh, she wouldn’t really be any more of an angel than Rei is.”

“I really don’t find that reassuring at all,” Ritsuko retorted. She sighed. “Speaking of pilots, did you two hear that some people were saying Shinji might have GID or autogynephilia or something?” It would be nice to have some backup.  _ Uhp, sorry kiddo, Commander says cut it out  _ would certainly have more weight to it than if it were just her saying it. 

“It’s none of my concern,” Gendo spoke up, “I don’t need updates on every little thing the Third Child does.”

Fuyutsuki coughed. “It’s really not my place to gossip.” the distaste in his voice was apparent. 

_ God damn it, guess I really am in this on my own. _

* * *

 

“A basilisk?” the bard inquired, the feline ears atop her head suddenly at full attention. She leaned forward and lapped up some milk from the saucer before her, taking great care not to let her shaggy hair get wet.

“Shush!” The baron looked around the crowded tavern frantically, checking for eavesdroppers. “Keep your voice down, we’re trying to keep this under wraps.” he straightened back up. “But it’s the only thing we can think of. Ser Moldbug thinks it might be holed up in that cave in the woods past the old cathedral. We need someone brave enough to go out there, and sly enough to get back alive.”

“Uh, I’m sorry, what’s-” the fighting-woman broke out into a violent coughing fit, expelling short-lived phosphorescent magick sparks from her recently-resurrected lungs and rattling her brilliant crimson plate armor. A single arcane ember landed on the wooden table and a leaf sprouted up in its place. “‘Scuse me. What uh, what’s a basilisk, again?”

The bard’s entire body felt sore from hauling her comrade’s formerly lifeless body back to town a few days before. Hoisting the fighter onto her horse, armor and all, was probably the most physically strenuous thing she’d done in her life, requiring every ounce of strength in her tiny frame. But she knew she had to. They were the only things keeping each other alive. 

“How do you not know what a basilisk is?” the baron looked taken aback. “Did they forget your brain in Gehenna when they dragged you back out? They’re like, European mythology 101.”

“Guess they must’ve,” the fighter grumbled. “Did they forget your tongue down there when they dragged  _ you  _ out, or are you gonna tell me what this thing is?”

“Guys-” the bard interjected. She straightened up and wiped the milk off her chin. Why did the fighter always have to pick fights with everybody they came across? Was being diplomatic really that far beyond her? Though, it wasn’t like the bard was the most socially apt adventurer either. Even the slightest hint of confrontation made her hair stand on end.

“Don’t assume everyone is as good at getting skewered to death as you are, fighter.” the baron shot back.

“Guys, can we not get into a thing right now?” the bard pleaded. 

The baron folded his arms in a huff. “Fine, I’ll run through it, just for you. A basilisk is a legendary monster that kills you if you meet its gaze. Usually people describe them as snakes or lizards, but in reality, nobody’s ever encountered one and survived long enough to tell about it. The only way to know one exists is by observing the scattered petrified bodies around its den, sort of like a black hole.”

“Uh, I don’t think any of us are supposed to know what a black hole is.” The bard licked her hand a few times and attempted to comb her hair back into place. 

“Whatever,” the baron waved his hand as if to shoo away her concerns. “You get the picture. The point is, it’s extremely dangerous to the point that if you meet it, it’s already killed you.”

“So what the fuck are  _ we  _ supposed to do about it?” the fighter complained, “I can’t cut the monster to pieces without even being able to see it!”

“I mean, Perseus slew Medusa without looking at her,” the baron lectured, “But I’m not asking you to  _ kill  _ it. I’m asking you to find its den and chart out exactly where it is so I can have the mage college deal with it. Fighting it directly might be stupid, but bombarding its hole with fireballs from a distance is probably pretty fool-proof.”

“I bet you’re a real expert on bombarding holes, huh?” the fighter jeered. 

“Fuck off,” the baron demanded, “Maybe you  _ should  _ go fight the thing yourself, at least then I’d be rid of you!” He took a long sip of ale to calm his nerves. “One other thing, obviously we don’t want to burn down the whole forest to deal with this thing if we don’t have to, and the mages can’t blast that large a range anyway,” he clarified, “So I need you to actually go into its den and confirm its presence before we can strike.” 

“I’m pretty sure that’s just suicide with extra steps,” the bard protested. Her ears lay flat against her head.

“Perhaps,” the baron concurred, “but hey, do you wanna live forever?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before anyone says anything, yes, I’m aware GID and autogynephilia and all that are fucked up relics of the clinic/gatekeeper system. Ritsuko frames Shinji’s gender variance in those antagonistic clinical terms because that’s the context she wants to engage with it in: as a disorder to be managed such that Shinji poses the least possible threat to the established order of things.
> 
> I’m kinda torn on if the bit about Shinji getting gendered correctly by the cashier made sense to include. Like I have no idea if it’s common for service workers in Japan to gender customers half as aggressively as they do here in America, but “The cashier at Market Basket called me ma’am! :D” is such a staple of American transfem experience that it’s hard not to want to cram in anyway.


	10. To Navigate a Circle, Begin at Any Point on its Edge

The lunch bell rang, and Shinji began gathering up her notebooks and supplies. The teacher paid no mind, however, and continued his customary rambling about Second Impact by the window. Over towards the front of the class, Hikari looked back and forth from the teacher to her classmates, and with apparent inner turmoil, motioned to them that they were free to leave. 

Kensuke hurried over to Shinji’s desk. “Hey Shinji, did you see the new Patlabor last night?” he was practically beside himself. “That bit where Noa had to climb around the outside of Alphonse to reconnect its arm controls in the middle of the fight was the hypest shit!” He leaned back against a neighboring desk. “If I could be half as cool as Noa, I would die happy, man.” he sighed. “Anyway, wanna head up to the roof?”

“Uh, in a minute. I kinda wanted to talk to Ayanami about something first.” She indicated over her shoulder in the other girl’s direction. 

“Oh, yeah sure.” Kensuke seemed a bit dejected. “I’ll meet you up there, I guess.” He stood. “Er, Good luck?”

Shinji unpacked the two bento boxes as Kensuke left for their hangout on the roof. She made her way over to Rei’s spot in the corner. The other girl stared out the window at something down in the parking lot. 

“Ayanami?” Shinji tried to get her attention. 

Rei looked up, but didn’t say anything. 

“I uh, I brought lunch.” She handed her the blue and white bento box and some single-use chopsticks.

“Thank you,” Rei looked down, her pallid face ever so slightly flushed. She opened the compartments and looked over the rice and vegetables arranged with care inside.

“Do you mind if I sit with you?” Shinji ventured.

Rei looked up at her like a pet cat watching someone fill their bowl. “It would be nice.”

Shinji turned the seat in front of her around and set up her own lunch on Rei’s desk. She clapped her hands together. “Itadakimasu.” 

“Itadakimasu,” Rei replied. She deftly split her chopsticks apart. 

“Oh, I wanted to ask,” Shinji began, “uh, so, have you ever played Dungeons and Dragons?”

“I’m not familiar,” Rei replied. She rested her chin on her free hand. 

“It’s like, a bunch of people come up with fantasy heroes to roleplay as, and then another player called the dungeon master makes adventures for them to go on. But underneath that, there’s a really complex system for cool stuff everyone’s characters can do and how good they are at it and stuff.”

“I see,” Rei took a bite of umeboshi and her eyes started to wander back towards the window.

“Uh, anyway, I have a group that plays on the weekends, and uh, I was wondering if that sounds like something you’d want to join?”

“Oh,” Rei looked surprised. She thought to herself for a moment. “Will the pilot of Unit 02 be there as well?”

“Welllll...” Shinji admitted, “Yeah. The group is Asuka and I as adventurers and Kensuke as the dungeon master.”

Rei chewed thoughtfully. “I will consider it.” 

“Really?! Great!” Shinji was floored she even got that much of a response. “I can talk to Kensuke about maybe lending you the rulebook so you can like, get a feel for stuff, maybe.”

“I would be interested to see,” she replied. “Though I often don’t like being in that sort of setting very much. I start to feel overwhelmed.”

“Yeah, I can understand that,” Shinji empathized. 

The two ate in silence for a moment. This was probably the most talkative Shinji had seen Rei in ages. Though that said, it was also the first time she’d really tried to have a conversation with her since, what, the blackout? That time Misato took them out to dinner? The anniversary of mom’s death? She made a mental note to do it more often. 

Most of the other students had left the classroom by then. Kensuke had gone up to the roof, Asuka and Hikari were probably holed up under the bleachers, and Shinji didn’t really know anyone else well enough to guess at where they’d wandered off to. Remaining in the room were a small handful of boys playing some collectible card game, pausing occasionally to lose their minds over whatever was going on in the game. 

“Ikari,” Rei shifted her gaze around the desk between them, “how... how did you decide to be a girl?”

Shinji blushed and averted her eyes. “I dunno if I decided, really. Misato kinda just walked in on me while uh, while I was trying on Asuka’s uniform, and then she’s sorta been helping me explore stuff a bit. Also I guess someone in Section 2 blabbed and now everyone knows. To be honest, it kinda feels like I’ve just been along for the ride.” She scooped up a cherry tomato. “Not, like, that it’s bad or anything. It feels nice when I get to do stuff as a girl.”

“You had a reason, though, correct?” Rei prodded.

“Well,” Shinji thought back, “Like okay, this sounds kinda dumb, but a couple months ago, a little before I came here, I saw this super old episode of Pokemon on TV where Satoshi had to crossdress to get into one of the gyms, and I guess somehow that had never really occurred to me before, just, as a thing a person could do. And it got me thinking about like, how much I wished I could do that too. Mm, and then later on, when Asuka moved here, she made me wear her spare plugsuit once, and then there were those goofy dance outfits... and it just felt really good being like that, I guess. And then I tried on Asuka’s uniform.”

It didn’t look like her answer had really satisfied Rei, but she didn’t make an attempt to pursue it further. 

“Are you asking because you think you might want to be a boy or something?” Shinji asked.

Rei appeared lost in thought for a moment. Eventually, she shook her head. “Not particularly. I’m not sure I have the words to describe what I feel.” she paused again and stared up towards the ceiling. “I don’t want to be anything. I don’t even want to be nothing. I need... I need to be lost in the woods and to make my home there. And I need others not to look for me.” she looked back towards Shinji. “Ikari, is that... something that can be done?”

“Uh, I don’t think I’m someone who could answer that,” Shinji conceded, “but I guess if I can be a girl, you can probably be, um, whatever that is.”

Rei nodded solemnly. One of the boys in the other group stood and shouted with triumph, and the rest of the group sprung to life after him.   
  


“Is Aida still waiting for you?” Rei asked.

“Oh! Uh, probably. I should probably go, I don’t want him to feel left out,” Shinji joked. She started packing up her lunch. “You can like, give the box back later on.”

Rei nodded. “The food is very good,” she observed. 

“Thanks!” Shinji beamed. She stood and gathered her things. “I guess, uh, hang in there.”

“And you as well.” she scooped out a chunk of rice. 

Shinji started towards the door. 

“Ikari,” Rei called after her, “would... you like to study together sometime?”

“Yeah, I think I’d like that.”

* * *

 

Ritsuko picked up the phone on the first ring. “Hello?”

“Hello, ma’am,” The Section 2 agent on the other end put on his gruffest soldier voice. “We’ve collected the child and are on our way through HQ now. Just to confirm, you set up the equipment in room 1298, correct?”

“Yeah,” she took a drag from her cigarette. “Don’t touch anything when you put her in there.”

“Understood,” the agent replied, “She should be ready in about fifteen minutes.”

“Great,” Ritsuko hung up the phone. Those guys were dolts, but at least they were competent when it came to collecting people, unlike a certain major she knew. She sighed. Maybe she shouldn’t be that hard on Misato, at least  _ she  _ had a personality. 

The utterly infuriating usenet flame war she’d been embroiled in all morning reached out its tendrils and ensnared her attention once again. Some cretin had been complaining about the military police’s treatment of the communists that crashed that big protest the other day, and they  _ had  _ to be proven wrong. The worst part was having to dance around the real issue so much. Like, you can’t just come out and say “police violence is good against communists because they’re a threat to the continued existence of Japan as we know it,” or even “protecting those Ayashii World fuckups and old-timey imperialist weirdos is itself important because in times like these, those with the strongest inclination towards the in-group are most likely to survive,” because most people still thought in the liberalistic terms of democracy, rule of law, and individualism. Meanwhile, over here in the real world, a network of computers and a cabal of crotchety monarchist cyborgs were in complete control of  most aspects of government and culture. Democracy was a 20th century fad.

The best Ritsuko could hope for with those types of arguments was to make weird, unsatisfying hand-wringing arguments about the communists being violent protestors, or how repairing Kyushu’s infrastructure was too expensive, or how foreign refugees weren’t integrating right, and back off once perceptive users started asking questions about her motivation. She knew getting into these fights was a bad habit, but she also knew she had a competitive streak a mile wide and fuck if it didn’t feel good to exercise it.

She checked her watch. Ugh, they were probably already almost down there. She tore herself away from her terminal, grabbed her briefcase, and strode off through the complex. 

On the way down to the interrogation cells, she passed through a large atrium crisscrossed with moving walkways bustling with employees. She found her eyes drawn down below as a pale blue shape entered her peripheral vision, moving across a walkway far below her. Closer inspection revealed it to be Rei, presumably going off to play daughter-wife with the Commander all evening. Fucking hell. As she glared at the back of Rei’s head, the girl suddenly turned and looked back up at her. Ritsuko’s blood ran cold and she averted her gaze. 

As she approached the interrogation room, she saluted to the Section 2 agent at the door and he returned the gesture. They always liked that so much. 

“Dr. Akagi?” the agent ventured, eyes darting around nervously.

“Hm?” She replied.  _ The barbarian speaks! _ She thought to herself.

“That kid’s fuckin weird, ma’am,” the man explained, “be careful in there.”

Ritsuko chuckled. “Believe me, I’ve seen some ‘fuckin weird’ kids in my day, ah,” she looked at his badge, “corporal.”

“Er, if you say so, ma’am.”

She knocked on the door and keyed herself in. She was itching to check out the readings from the blood spectrum analyzers in the room to see if the commanders’ theory about her being an angel were correct.

The moment she stepped inside, she felt herself getting a migraine. Occupying the metal folding chair at the far end of the room was possibly the strangest-looking person she’d ever seen. She was like a worse version of Rei in every sense. Same sickly porcelain flesh, same piercing gaze running her through like a pair of vermillion lances, similarly ineffable hair, too, but this time tied together with a crushing aura of loving positive energy that sent ripples through her brain like an earthquake through the sea. She flashed a concerned look up towards one of the security cameras in the room, assuming the Vice Commander was watching.

“Uh, hello,” she managed, “you must be Nagisa, correct?”

“I am!” she grinned, revealing her pearly guillotines and shining a burning warmth across the room. “You must be the venerable Dr. Akagi, I take it?” Nagisa’s voice sounded like terracotta clay drying in the sun.

“Mm,” Ritsuko nodded. “Uh, your trip here wasn’t uncomfortable or anything?” she motioned towards the door. 

“Dear me, no,” Nagisa assured her. “Though I must say, your associate gave Sister Oikawa quite the scare carrying that gun around.”

“I’m afraid there’s not much to be done about that,” Ritsuko shrugged. “So, I uh, I called you down here to discuss your possible tenure as pilot for one of our robots,” she grimaced as a spike of pain from her headache tore across her cranium. “Ergh. We also need to confirm some personal data for our files and get your signature on some NDAs. Just bookkeeping stuff, mostly.”

“I understand,” Nagisa nodded. “Where should we start?”

“Forms come first.” Ritsuko pulled a sheaf of paperwork and a pen emblazoned with the Nerv logo out of her briefcase. “There’s a lot here obviously, but uh, it comes down to ‘see something, say nothing,’ basically,” she explained, handing the packet and pen to Nagisa, “and if you divulge anything about what you’ve seen, we’ll come knocking. Signatures on pages 7, 20, and 32.”

“Oh, you don’t have anything to worry about from me,” Nagisa assured. She flipped through the packet and hastily scrawled her signature. “Seele was similarly austere in their security practices.” she handed the completed paperwork back. 

“I’m sure,” Ritsuko stowed the NDA and produced a legal pad. “Okay. So the paperwork Seele sent over was missing some important info,” she spun the pen around in her hand. “Uh, can you tell me your address?”

“Of course!” she clapped her hands together excitedly. The noise echoed around in Ritsuko’s brain. “I live at 4004 East Sycamore Drive, apartment 306.”

Ritsuko’s eyes widened. “Ooookayyy,” she scribbled the address down. Same building as Rei. She concluded that Seele must just be trying to fuck with Gendo at this point. “I assume you’ve met Ayanami, then?”

“I have! We went out for lunch on Saturday, as a matter of fact,” Nagisa explained. “She is a very intelligent and considerate girl.”

“Hmm,” Those weren’t exactly the words Ritsuko would use to describe Rei, but sure. “Uh, parents?”

The girl laughed, a sound akin to a chorus of bells. “Oh, I don’t have any.”

Figures. “Care to elaborate on that one?”

“I was gestated from tissue collected from Adam and a Lilin donor shortly before Second Impact. I believe the process was similar to how our dear mutual friend Ayanami came about,” Nagisa explained, “though admittedly the details are beyond me.”

Ritsuko began to sweat. So this kid  _ was  _ harvested from Adam like they’d talked about the other day. If that blood spectrum came back ‘blue,’ she was gonna have to think quick to compost that kid before the JSSDF found out and N2’d everyone on the spot.  _ Probably wouldn’t be too hard to push her off a catwalk into liquid bakelite and set it _ , she schemed,  _ worked for that JICOSH inspector, after all. _ “Any other science experiments I should know about?”

“None you should know about, no,” Nagisa deflected. Fantastic. 

 

* * *

 

Rei climbed into the back of a black sedan parked in the Nerv HQ garage. Inside, the Commander was already waiting, reading, his roots planted firmly on the car floor and his trunk stiff and straight. As she entered, he looked up from his book and adjusted his eyeglasses. 

“Hello, Rei,” he dogeared the page he was on and placed the book in his briefcase. 

“Hello, Commander,” Rei took a seat opposite the man. 

Ikari waved to the driver and the car started. “So? How have you been?”

“Fine,” Rei replied. She focused her eyes on the floor mat beneath her feet. 

“How’s school?” the Commander prompted. 

“Fine. I’m almost caught up with the make-up work.” Rei always got the impression the Commander was running through a checklist in his brain when they talked, as if conversation were a procedure for launching an Eva or performing a mathematical proof. 

“That’s good.” he turned to face forward, looking out the front window.

Rei leaned against the door and looked out onto the geofront. The artificially planted trees and shrubs by the side of the road whizzed past as they rode around the lake and over to the meeting hall on its far side. The light being piped down took on a distinct amber quality as the sun set above ground. 

The meeting hall had been constructed with the intent of receiving government officials or foreign Nerv officers, but as far as Rei could tell, it’s main use these days was just as a retreat the Commander took her to periodically. The building was constricted to look like a western mansion, with a grand entrance and motorcade in front, a complex roof, and lots of intricate landscaping surrounding it. Alone, it would be a gaudy eyesore. However, juxtaposed against the giant pyramid across the lake, it looked positively quaint.

The car stopped in front and the driver opened the Commander’s door, who then circled around and opened Rei’s. She slung her schoolbag back around her shoulder and stepped outside. Together, she and the Commander wordlessly navigated to one of the dining rooms. The inside of the building was desolate. Rei assumed there must’ve been a maid staff who cleaned the place now and then, since it was always spotless, but even so, the way all the chairs were always tucked in and all the conference rooms were silent gave it a distinct abandoned quality to it. The building was an extremely well-kept ruin.

When they arrived at the dining room, the Commander planted himself at the end of the table and Rei sat down next to him. A vast expanse of untouched oak spread out before them, accompanied by about a dozen empty chairs. A cook Rei recognized from the cafeteria came in to explain the meal- some sort of seared ahi tuna dish for the Commander, and a medley of grilled vegetables and mushrooms with miso paste and fried tofu for Rei, along with rice for each. The cook left the Commander a bottle of sake and Rei a tea drink before he disappeared back into the kitchen.

“I believe the repairs on the Evas are finally coming along,” the Commander mentioned. He filled his ochoko with sake. “Things can start moving forward again, at last.”

“That’s good,” Rei took a sip of her beverage. It was far too sweet for her taste.

“Would you like to try some sake?” the Commander held up his cup.

“I don’t think I can drink alcohol,” Rei declined. 

The Commander set the glass back down, looking wilted. “No, I don’t suppose you can.” he paused. “Have you read any of that practical theology book I sent you yet?”

Rei shook her head. “I’m still working on the control systems one.”

Commander Ikari nodded appreciatively. “Do you enjoy it?”

“It’s interesting,” Rei took a sip of her drink. “The patterns it describes are easy to see in the world.”

“I remember back when Yui was taking that class,” the Commander’s face bloomed to life, “she used to tell me stories about how the professor would go on these tangents about how everything was a control system, and one time,” he chuckled to himself, “One time, apparently he tried to explain his niece’s diabetes back to her in controls terms. How her endocrine system was failing to regulate insulin correctly.” he drank some sake. “She had so many stories about that man.”

“How embarrassing,” Rei commented. Listening to someone lecture her about all her biological quirks sounded like hell on earth.

“Professors can be strange like that,” he conceded, “as Fuyutsuki put it, that world is only truly appealing to those with atypical passion for their work. The ones I remember most fondly were often quite eccentric.”

The cook brought out their food. Rei nodded in acknowledgement and took in the swirling aromas of the steaming hot vegetables before her. The mushrooms and eggplant and carrots and tofu provided a splash of contrast against the otherwise green array of cabbage and zucchini. The presentation and quality of ingredients seemed impeccable as she’d come to expect from these outings, but... something was missing. Somehow, the lunch the pilot Ikari had made for her fulfilled something greater that was missing from this extravagant affair. 

“Itadakimasu,” the Commander removed his gloves and gingerly placed his scarred hands together. 

“Itadakimasu,” Rei replied. She took a bite of portobello mushroom and the savory flavor filled her senses. “Your daughter brought me lunch today,” she mentioned.

Commander Ikari looked confused for a moment, then a realization appeared to dawn on him. “Is that so?” 

Rei nodded. “She’s a good cook. It was... pleasant.” she slathered a chunk of eggplant in miso. “She invited me over to play a game with her and the other pilot, as well.” 

The Commander adjusted his glasses. “I would advise against getting too close with Shinji.”

She washed down the eggplant with some tea and looked at him inquisitively. “For what reason?” The way the Commander seemed to regard his child was utterly inscrutable sometimes.

“I’d prefer to leave it at that,” he grumbled. 

“Does it relate to her becoming a girl?” Rei pushed further.

“No,” the Commander began to raise his voice. “It doesn’t. And my patience for being interrogated about that debacle is wearing thin. The Third Child is Major Katsuragi’s responsibility. I  _ don’t  _ want to hear about it.” he returned his attention to his meal.

They continued eating in silence. Rei made a mental note that apparently his idealized “Rei Ayanami” didn’t talk about his daughter. Though she’d long since recognized how little interest he had in her beyond her role as “Rei Ayanami,” she still had difficulty navigating exactly what that was. Sometimes it read like he expected her to simultaneously replace both his wife and daughter, but on some level, it also felt like she was his pet more than either of those other roles. She was a creature defined by her dependence on him and him alone. And perhaps the idea that a “Rei Ayanami” could receive affection from another benefactor, specifically from the child he so spurned, threatened him. 


	11. From the Cockpit to the Clinic: Changing Identities in Post-Impact Japan

“A gender clinic?” Shinji mumbled through a mouth full of omelette rice, “What’s that?”

Dr. Akagi shifted her position in her seat. “It’s a thing the NHS used to do up until around, oh, I want to say 2006?” she took a sip of beer. “When did Kimura get elected again?”

“It was 2006, but I think the NHS cut their program before that,” Misato recalled. “I remember Kei was pretty torn up over it.”

It had been a while since Misato had invited her colleague over for dinner. When Shinji first moved in, the two of them seemed inseparable, and Ritsuko was over at least once a week. But the last time she’d been must’ve been right after she’d gotten back from being absorbed in Unit 01. Even them going drinking was starting to become uncommon. Shinji worried something was causing them to drift apart. 

“I’ll take your word for it,” Dr. Akagi shrugged. “But Basically it’s just a process to see if there’s anything to be done, medically speaking, about the uh, _gender issues_ you’re having.”

“Oh.” Shinji looked over at Misato, then back to Dr. Akagi. “Um, what is there to be done, uh, medically speaking?”

“Well,” Akagi explained, “it depends. The DSM lists a bunch of different pathways depending on the specifics of the patient’s situation. If it looks like you have gender identity disorder, then we might think about putting you on a hormone therapy regimen to get that under control.” she scooped up a chunk of rice. “Otherwise we’re probably talking psychotherapy.”

“God, you make it sound so _dismal_ ,” Misato complained, leaning back in her chair. She turned towards Shinji. “She’s saying you might be able to get girl hormones, so you can like, you know,” apparently she’d had enough to drink that the words just weren’t there. She compensated by making a gesture in front of her chest to indicate “boobs.”

“Wait, you can do that?!” Shinji exclaimed. Her head spun with the implications. Those kinds of bodily changes had always seemed the realm of, like, genderbend manga, not something possible in real life. This hormone therapy thing could open a lot of doors. It might make going out as a girl a bit less scary, for one. Other people would probably just actually think she was a girl and not have weird or dangerous reactions. But also, she thought she might feel more at home in her body if it were more like Rei’s or Asuka’s.

Dr. Akagi shot Misato a derisive glance. “Yeah. If we _do_ put you on hormones, you’ll start to develop like a girl.” She took a sip of beer. “Try not to get ahead of yourself, though,” Ritsuko warned, “we still have to weed out some of the other possibilities first. Uh, and to that end, do you think you can swing by my office after school tomorrow?”

“Oh, um,” Shinji stammered, “I was planning on studying with Ayanami then.”

“Oh, sure,” A stormcloud seemed to appear above Dr. Akagi’s head. “Uh, do you think you could be down around 17:00, then?”

“Wow Shinji,” Misato leaned in towards her, “I can’t believe you finally got a date.” she giggled and pulled back. “Though I guess it makes sense. If anyone was gonna woo you, it would be her.”

“What? No!” Shinji felt flushed. “Nonononono, it’s not like that! We’re just- we’re just studying!”

“I’m just fuckin with ya,” Misato teased. 

Ritsuko looked pensive. “Uh, I don’t know if that’s something to joke about, Misato.”

“What? Come on, Ritsu,” Misato protested. 

“Wait, so Dr. Akagi, are you the one who’s gonna be doing, uh, whatever the gender clinic stuff is?” Shinji inquired.

“Yeah,” Ritsuko shrugged. “No way is it worth getting some specialist from before to do it when inevitably you’d just get shipped off to a psychotherapist or an endocrinologist anyway. All I have to do is put a name on this thing.”

* * *

 

Asuka reached into the bowl of popcorn on the coffee table, and her hand bumped into something warm and unexpected. She looked over to see Hikari’s hand touching her own, both having gone for the bowl at the same time. Asuka’s gaze followed Hikari’s arm up to her shoulder, then to her face. The pair lost themselves in each other’s eyes for what felt like an eternity.

Hikari withdrew her hand and fake-coughed “Uhm, you go first, Soryu.” her eyes played the ground.

Asuka felt herself getting flushed. She looked to her hand, up at Hikari, and back down again. “O-of course!” she broke her eyes away, snatched up a fistfull of kernels, and crammed them into her mouth. She tried to mumble “thanks” through her maw full of food, but the result was effectively unintelligible. 

Hikari giggled and grabbed her own handful from the bowl. She gracefully tossed a few kernels into her mouth. 

A thought wormed its way into the back of Asuka’s head. _You should’ve held her hand or something, dumbass!_ But she tried to shoo it out of her mind. Two girls shouldn’t -couldn’t- do stuff like that. It was verboten, unnatural, unclean. 

...So then why did she always want to around Hikari?

She sank back into the couch in the Horaki’s living room. In some ways, the Horaki household felt more like home than Misato’s apartment. The Major knew exactly how to push her buttons, after all, and she hated every second of it. Plus Shinji kept going further off the rails all the time. It was only a matter of time before he started trying on _her_ fuckin clothes. She grimaced. Somehow, though, giving him shit for it was starting to feel a bit off-limits. It was one thing to get on his case about it when it was just them at home, but that guy at Kameyu looked like he might have actually hurt him. 

Also Hikari’s cooking was amazing. Like Shinji was an okay cook and all, but sometimes it seemed like food just tasted better when Hikari made it. It was like there was some supernatural quality she added that elevated it to an extreme. Or maybe, maybe it just felt good knowing that Hikari cared about her. The girl made Asuka feel cozy and safe.

Asuka pried her attention away from her friend and focused again on the movie playing on TV, some old-ass american horror movie from decades before she was born. She’d admittedly been pretty checked out for most of it. Like, the part where they torched the kennel of dogs was kinda cool, with like, all those gross puppets and stuff, but now they were just standing around and talking a bunch. Not scary at all. Why were all those old horror movies like that, just like, gross old scientist dudes mumbling to each other for half an hour while- OH FUCK THE BLOOD JUST JUMPED OUT OF THE PETRI DISH

Hikari launched across the couch and wrapped herself around Asuka’s arm. The two girls screamed in unison as the movie exploded into chaos and gore before them. When the shock of the scene calmed, Asuka took in the sensations of having a girl at her side. The warmth and pressure from her panicked embrace, the flowery scent of shampoo on her hair, the gentle tickle of her breath. 

Hikari looked up at her and laughed. “God, those jump scares always get to me.”

“Yeah,” Asuka mumbled. Their faces we so close together. It would be so easy to just lean in a little more and-

“Jeez, are you gonna kiss already?” Hikari’s little sister had wandered in from her room to grab a handful of popcorn. 

“It’s not like that, dumbass!” Asuka stood and tore her arm away from Hikari. “I gotta piss.” She stormed off to the bathroom and slammed the door behind her. Her reflection in the mirror stared back at her as she leaned over the sink. Her eyes glowered back up at her, brimming with judgement and malice. 

 _What the fuck is wrong with me?_ She thought. Other girls seemed to have no problem liking boys, or at least, they didn’t want to jam their tongues down each other’s throats like she did. It was so easy for them, effortless, even. It just made her feel that much worse for barely being able to keep it under control. _Was I always like this? Was I always some kind of fucking degenerate? Or did something happen?_ She ran the faucet and splashed her face with water. _I bet Nerv’s putting something in the water in Misato’s building. That’s why Shinji and I are so broken. Or maybe whatever’s fucked up about Shinji is contagious and now I’m infected too._

* * *

 

“So for this problem, the current flows into the page, right?” Shinji contorted her hand into a strange position, trying to line up her fingers with the diagram in her textbook for the right hand rule. 

Rei shook her head. “It comes out of the page. You may have confused the directions of the magnetic field and the magnetic force.”

The school library was tightly wound and compact. The shelves, stocked with perfunctory novels about plucky child adventurers and nonfiction accounts of watered-down science and history, were near enough that you had to carefully squeeze past other students to get by. A few small picnic table-style desks for studying filled in the gaps. The already frail air conditioning system in the building was next to useless in such a claustrophobic den, and the air was hot and stuffy.

Shinji and Rei had commandeered a bench deep within the tangled thicket that seemed to promise few distractions. Just _sitting_ next to Rei was going to take some time for Shinji to adjust to. She was so used to the other girl being distant and inaccessible. Not that the change was a bad thing, of course. Shinji rather liked eating lunch with her, for instance. It was just kind of unexpectedly mundane, like seeing a teacher out grocery shopping.

“Jeez,” Shinji cradled her head in her hands, “How am I the only one who has trouble with this stuff?”

“The material is difficult,” Rei assured her, turning her attention back to the textbook she was reading.

“Yeah, but you and Asuka just whiz through all this shit,” Shinji lamented.

“Both the other pilot and I had large head starts,” Rei indicated towards her book. “I struggled at first, too.”

“What’s that book about, anyway?” Shinji leaned over to take a peek. The page was full of equations with symbols she’d never seen and a handful of graphs tracing out appealing patterns.

“How to design control systems for certain kinds of electronic or mechanical devices,” she explained, “such as temperature regulation or motion in robotic arms,” she paused. “Would you like me to explain?” her eyes twinkled and came to life.

“Go for it,” Shinji was eager to take a break from actual studying anyway.

Rei flipped to a page with a diagram of linked boxes. She scooted down the booth so as to be closer to Shinji and placed the worn book between them. Their shoulders almost touched. Shinji’s heart nearly skipped a beat.

“The object being controlled is called the ‘plant,’” Rei explained, “the plant’s condition is observed by a sensor, and compared against an ideal condition determined by outside devices, perhaps by a human. If the condition varies from the ideal, a signal is sent to the plant to correct it,” she continued, “So if a thermometer senses that the temperature is too high, a signal can be sent to a fan to turn on. And when the temperature is adequate, the fan slows down and turns off. Sometimes, if the plant doesn’t react the way the designer wants, they may employ a controller to condition the plant’s response by altering the corrective signal.”

“That uh, sounds pretty complicated,” Shinji admitted.

“To tell the truth, many of the specifics discussed are beyond my ability,” Rei conceded, “But the basic pattern is... interesting. It’s in everything. In our machines, in our bodies, out in our world. Control systems are always monitoring every motor, every gland, every person, so to ensure everything revolves exactly according to design.”

“That’s kinda dark,” Shinji commented, “but I can see why you like it so much.” She turned back to her schoolwork to tackle the next problem, something about calculating the strength of a magnetic force. After trying and failing to make any headway, she sat back in her chair and ran a hand through her hair. Fuck it. A little more procrastination never hurt anybody. “Hey Ayanami, what’s Dr. Akagi like?”

“Vile,” Rei responded without missing a beat.

“Oh. Well I’m supposed to go see her in a bit, and I was just wondering, you know-” Shinji stammered.

“In what capacity?” Rei demanded.

“What do you mean?” Shinji grew confused. 

“Why are you going to see Dr. Akagi?” Rei repeated.

“Er, she came over last night and offered to help get me some medicine that could turn me into a girl, kinda,” Shinji explained, confused at the other girl’s insistence.

“Ikari,” Rei warned, ''You mustn't go through with this. She is a horrible, capricious woman who acts with cruelty towards those in her care.”

“I...” Shinji didn’t know how to respond. She couldn’t remember a time when she’d seen this intensity of emotion from her, save maybe for the time she hit her. “Ayanami, did... did something happen?”

“She...” Rei’s voice caught on itself as if she were about to cry. “She tortures me. Last week, she pushed a tongue depressor down my throat until I choked. Before that, she tried to strangle me with a hose. I depend on her to survive, and so she can do with me as she pleases. Ikari, please do not put yourself in my position.”

Shinji’s mouth hung open. “Fuck. A-Ayanami, I’m so, so sorry,” she wasn’t sure how to respond. She hesitated, then placed her hand on top of Rei’s. “Just... fuck.”

Teardrops began to speckle the pages of the book before Rei. “Oh,” she remarked. “Am I crying? She reached up to dry her eyes, and uttered a familiar apology. “I’m sorry, I don’t know how to behave in these situations.” 

Shinji tentatively wrapped her arm around Rei’s shuddering form to console her. Rei acquiesced to the embrace and turned in towards her, her face buried in Shinji’s shoulder, her wispy blue hair in her face. Her skin was cool to the touch, noticeably below Shinji’s own body temperature, and she smelled faintly of LCL. Shinji encircled her with her other arm and drew her close in a tight hug. They remained like that for what felt like an eternity, Rei’s tears soaking into Shinji’s shirt as her tiny frame shook with emotion, and Shinji’s arms steadying her. Eventually, Rei raised her head from Shinji’s shoulder and wiped away her tears with the base of her palm, and Shinji began to withdraw her arms. 

“Ikari,” Rei spoke up, visibly flushed. Her nearly translucent skin revealed the lattice of capillaries below. “do you think you could hold me like that a little longer?”

Shinji turned beet red herself. “Oh. Uh, sure.” She resumed her hug. Being entangled with the other girl like that really did feel pretty good. It was soothing and tranquil, a sort of tenderness she seldom expressed or experienced, that escaped the realm of words. 

Rei shifted her position so she faced Shinji. “You cook for me, you comfort me when I am in pain... perhaps in reality, _you_ are the one who is like a mother.” 

“Thanks,” Shinji giggled. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever heard you joke about anything before.”

“Most times, it is difficult to find humor in things,” Rei reflected. 

“Mm,” Shinji empathized, “I think I get how you feel.”

They returned to silence as Shinji continued her embrace. She found herself consumed by the calming rhythm of Rei’s breathing, elated by the other girl’s presence. Maybe Misato was right about them. Maybe the bond they shared had begun to go beyond just being stuck in similar circumstances, to approach something deeper and more fulfilling.

“Ikari,” Rei ventured, “Only you can know where you want this path you’re on to take you, and if this medicine you want is a part of that, then it is imperative to seek it out.” She paused. “But please try to find a source independent from that wretched old woman. There must be another way.”

 

* * *

Shinji stood in front of Dr. Akagi’s door and flexed her hand to quell the butterflies in her stomach. Rei’s anguish hung fresh in her mind. She wasn’t sure how she could look Ritsuko in the eye, knowing what she’d done to her friend. But also, it seemed like the only option she had for getting the medicine Dr. Akagi had promised. She resolved to bite her tongue for the time being, and knocked on the door.

“Who is it?” Ritsuko called from inside. 

“Uh, it’s Shinji,” she replied. 

The door opened, and Ritsuko stood over her. Her face was stone cold, but when she looked down at Shinji, she contorted it into a smile. “Hey, come on in.” She motioned to a chair in front of her desk. 

Shinji crossed the threshold and set her backpack down next to the seat. Dr. Akagi’s office was a mess- paperwork lay strewn across her desk and in boxes stacked in the corner. In the free space between the stacks of documents, small statuettes of cats were arranged, decorated with scuffed paint or chipped glaze, some held together with hastily applied hot glue. A cat-shaped clock hung on the wall, its mechanism still. The green light from the computer terminal cast an eerie glow on Ritsuko’s face. 

“Nervous?” Ritsuko donned her glasses and pulled a notepad and pen out of her desk.

Shinji nodded. _But not for the reasons you probably think_.

“You can relax, this should go pretty smoothly.” Dr. Akagi assured her. She looked over her notes. “Uh, so first off, I wanna get a baseline for what symptoms you’re experiencing, and like, what the background noise of this whole thing is like. Sooo, let’s start at the beginning. What’s the earliest you remember feeling like a girl?”

Shinji folded her arms and thought. “Uhhhh, well, I guess maybe a couple years ago? I mean, I guess I don’t know if I really felt like a girl, exactly, I just started really wanting to be one, kinda?” she paused. “I guess I sorta felt like a girl when I borrowed Asuka’s spare plugsuit?” She hoped this wasn’t another thing that would get leaked to everyone at Nerv, but she wasn’t holding her breath.

Ritsuko scribbled furiously. “Oookay. So like, do you have any memory of feeling like this when you were little, say, four or five years old?”

“My memory is honestly pretty hazy that far back,” Shinji admitted. But also the few memories she had were indescribably painful. Mom’s death, Father’s abandonment... she shook her head to clear her thoughts.

“Sure, sure,” Ritsuko scribbled some more. “Uh, if you had to describe your sexual orientation, what would it be?”

“Sexual orientation?” Shinji was unfamiliar with the term.

“Yeah, you know, like, whether you’re attracted to men, women, or both?” Akagi adjusted her glasses. “So like, Ibuki is a girl who likes girls, so her orientation is ‘homosexual,’ and then I like men, so my orientation is ‘heterosexual.’ Mm, I’m trying to think of...” she trailed off for a second. “Oh, and then Misato likes both men and women, so she’s bisexual.”

“Oh, okay,” Shinji sort of got it, but she couldn’t see how it was relevant. “I guess... I usually like girls? But also sometimes I like boys too... I guess I’m bisexual?” A beat. “I didn’t know Misato liked girls.”

“Uhhh, I probably shouldn’t have told you that,” Ritsuko recorded some notes, “but back in college, uh, you know what, never mind.” She cleared her throat. “Do you experience notable distress or discomfort because of your male anatomy?”

“Sometimes?” she thought to herself. “I guess like, body hair kinda grosses me out.”

“Anything relating to your, uh, your genitals?” Dr. Akagi coaxed.

“Uh, I guess I get a little uncomfortable sometimes?” the last thing she wanted to circulate around everywhere was her feelings about wet dreams or how much she liked how the plugsuit flattened her groin.

“Mmkay,” Ritsuko jotted something down. “And how would you describe how you feel when you wear women’s clothes?”

Shinji thought that was a weirdly clinical way of phrasing that. “Well... I guess it feels like, uh, like I can relax more, and like, I feel like can express some parts of myself that I usually kind of try to hide. Just all around, I feel happier.”

“Sure,” Akagi acknowledged, “So one big thing a lot of the literature I’ve read recommends is for you try out some ‘real life experience,’ as in, you should try living as a girl for a while while we’re still trying to nail stuff down. Just like, to make sure it’s actually something you prefer,” she took a sip of coffee, “We wouldn’t want you to not realize you didn’t like it until after being on hormones so long you can’t go back.”

“Sure, I guess not,” Shinji felt like something was off about that train of thought, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. “How long do you think that would take?”

Ritsuko picked up a cat statue and rolled it around in her hand. “Well, a lot of doctors used to have patients do it for a year or two-” 

“That long?!” Shinji exclaimed. Her heart sank. She’d kind of expected this to be resolved in a week or two, just like, a couple visits and a trip to the pharmacy.

“Things take time, kiddo,” Ritsuko shrugged. “...but, given the circumstances, I’m gonna say we roll with it for two months and see where things stand. Uh, so I’m gonna write up a memo to the school so you can get like, a girls’ uniform and stuff.”

“Oh,” Shinji looked down at the desk. “But... What if I’m not ready to go out as a girl all the time?”

“Well,” Dr. Akagi scribbled something down on her notepad. “The sooner you start, the sooner it’s over with.”

“...Yeah, I guess so.” This all felt way too similar to her fight with Asuka in the changing room.

* * *

 

“I don’t understand why I acted that way,” Rei reminisced. She pulled a handful of cat kibble out of the bag and offered it to a stray before her. The cat looked up at her and blinked slowly, and she responded in kind. It approached carefully and ate out of her hand, it’s raspy tongue brushing against her palm. Next to her on the stoop, another stray nuzzled up against Nagisa, and the girl reached down to scratch the back of its head. Above them, the moon shone down and washed the dilapidated courtyard behind their building in its pale white glow.

Her interaction with Ikari earlier that day had been playing in her head all evening. Every part of her behavior felt foreign to her- why had she wanted so badly to protect Ikari? Why had she confided in her about her suffering at the hands of that old hag? Why had the girl’s touch felt so welcome? The gentle chime of Ikari’s laughter echoed through her mind. 

“Perhaps you have feelings for this Ikari person,” Nagisa offered. 

“Feelings?” Rei knitted her brow. “I’m not sure. It’s not something I have experience with.” She wiped the cat saliva on her hand off on her skirt. “How would I know if that was the case?”

“I’m afraid I’m not an expert, myself,” Nagisa admitted, “but I feel that your actions bely an attachment that goes beyond just working or fighting together.”

Rei leaned forward and folded her arms around her knees. “This is all so new to me. It’s... it’s a bit frightening, having these inclinations.” 

“But is it unwelcome?” Nagisa held out some kibble for the cat at her side. “Do you wish she had never approached you or tried to get closer?”

Rei thought for a moment. Even as terrifying as it was to open up to Ikari after being alone and closed off for so long, she felt a warmth spread through her she’d long forgotten she was starved for. “...No. I think I’m glad that it happened. It feels pleasant, having that sort of bond.”

“Mm,” Nagisa agreed, “Wanting to care for others and having others care for us is deeply ingrained in our nature. Even though it can be difficult or painful, we seek out opportunities to express ourselves in those ways.” her eyes narrowed. “It’s always so strange to me, when people fashion themselves as ascetics in that regard. It’s such a joyless self-denial. At Seele, it always seemed like Father Lorenz and his ilk tried their damnedest to suppress that last human part of themselves, and they commanded their sons to do the same.” she snorted, and grinned. “I never quite got the hang of that part either, I suppose.”

“Lorenz is no outlier,” Rei objected, “if people do have that intrinsic desire to care for others, it seldom reaches outside their kin. Man feels nothing but contempt for those unlike himself. You’ve seen the looks we get just walking around in public. To them, we are intruders, a threat to the order of life.”

“Man fears the darkness, so he carves away at it with fire, correct?” Nagisa quoted.

Rei nodded. “And in the process, we who live in the twilight are incinerated.”

Nagisa sighed. “The ideology that drives Seele didn’t come out of nowhere. There have long been such ascetics who proselytize for a war of all against all, and over time, that conviction has seeped into the very substrate of our lives. It takes great effort to unlearn that conditioning, and most of us are too beaten down to believe it could be any different. But...” she looked down at her hands, “I believe -I _have_ to believe, for the alternative is too grim to bear- that it must be possible to tear down those structures and nurture a kinder, gentler world in their place. That just as people use fire to ward off otherness or ambiguity, it must be possible as well to relinquish the torch and smother the flames so as to welcome in the darkness.”

“I hope you are correct,” Rei ceded, “but I don’t know if I have it in me to be so optimistic.”

“I could hardly blame you,” Nagisa admitted. She picked up a cat and placed it in her lap, where it curled up into a ball. “I’m eager to meet this Ikari person now. She sounds like another individual who would feel at home in the dark with us.”

Rei nodded. “It’s possible. In any case, she’s just as much in danger of being set alight.”


	12. In the Constellation of Cygnus, There Lurks a Mysterious, Invisible Force

“And then, and then Rally dove to the ground and shot through his wrist with her custom CZ75,” Kensuke gushed, holding his finger-gun in a practiced stance, “It was so fucking cool! Why can’t I be like her, just like, surrounded by nothing but cool guns and cars all day every day. That’s the life, man.”

“I guess?” Shinji acquiesced. She never quite understood the appeal of, well, any of her friend’s fixations. Sometimes these one-sided conversations could get a little tedious, but hey, at least he was passionate about  _ something _ . The sun bore down on top of them as they walked home from school through the nearly-abandoned streets of Tokyo-3, accompanied only by the screeching of cicadas and the occasional vagrant taking refuge in the shade. 

“Oh, by the way, how did that doctor’s appointment go yesterday?” Kensuke changed the subject.

“It was okay, I guess,” Shinji mused that this was an odd conversation topic for Kensuke. “She just asked a bunch of weird questions and told me that I have to start living as a girl all the time now. It was super uncomfortable cuz I’d literally just finished talking to Ayanami about-” she caught herself. “Well, I probably shouldn’t say. But it was really awkward. I think I’m going back sometime next week or something, though.”

“Jeez, everything just goes your way, huh,” Kensuke murmured under his breath. “But like, that’s good though, right? Like that’s basically what you wanted?”

“Sorta,” Shinji contemplated. “I mean, I know I want to be a girl, it’s just, I dunno.” she tried to collect her thoughts. “Like I guess I just want to be able to do stuff at my own pace, y’know? And I guess it kinda feels like Dr. Akagi wants to move things at  _ her  _ pace instead. And somehow it feels way the fuck too fast and way the fuck too slow at the same time.” she wiped the sweat from her face. “Like I don’t think I’m really ready to just like, jump straight into being a girl right this second. But also she’s holding out on that medicine that I think I kinda want to try now until I do.”

Kensuke didn’t look satisfied. “Leave it to Shinji Ikari to moan about the stars aligning,” he grumbled. “Next you’ll complain that Blue Seed has too many panty shots or something.”

_ Next you’ll complain you never got picked as an Eva pilot. _ Shinji shot Kensuke an irritated look, but decided not to say anything. It was too hot out to get into this kind of argument. She adjusted the weight of her backpack and decided to change the subject again. “So I told you Ayanami was thinking of joining the D&D game, right?”

“You told me, but I’m still having trouble believing it,” Kensuke pushed up his glasses. “Uh, I kinda wished you’d have run it by me first but-”

“Oh. Yeah.” Shinji muttered sheepishly. “Sorry about that.”

“It’s fine, dude,” Kensuke shrugged. “I was gonna lend her the PHB today, actually, but she left during gym, I think.”

“Yeah, she mentioned feeling sick at lunch,” Shinji recalled. 

“So are you two, like, A Thing?” Kensuke inquired. “Like, girlfriends or whatever? I think she’s spent more time hanging out with you this week than with anyone else since I’ve known her combined.”

“I mean, maybe?” Shinji pondered, “I guess I don’t know too much about how that stuff works.”

“I don’t think I really do either,” Kensuke sighed. “Gah, why don’t girls ever pay attention to me like that?” Kensuke groaned, running both hands through his hair. “It’s so frustrating!”

“I mean, there’s only like four in our entire class,” Shinji speculated. “And I think all of them -all of us?- mostly like other girls.” Shinji giggled. “Obviously the solution is that you also become a girl and then I guess uh, probably Yamaguchi will throw herself at you instantly.”

“Ha,” Kensuke laughed nervously and blushed. “That’ll be the day. No way could someone with  _ my  _ masculine charm ever be a girl. It’s just not possible!” he joked.

Kensuke stopped at the particularly sunbaked intersection where their paths diverged and saluted. “I’m gonna bounce. See you tomorrow!” 

“Not gonna stick around and try and ogle Misato again?” Shinji jabbed.

“Nah, not today,” Kensuke explained, “The new BUDK catalogue should be out, I gotta go run to the convenience store to pick it up.”

Shinji continued the walk home by herself. She tried to stick to the shade, but some stretches felt like they’d been designed to offer as little protection from the scorching sun as possible. Holding her bag up above her head worked okay sometimes, but her arms tired easily. Upper body strength was never her forte. Eventually, she reached her building, and then her apartment. She fished her keycard out of her wallet and slid open the door. 

“I’m home!” she diligently removed her shoes and placed them in the corner.

“Heyy,” Misato called from deeper inside, “I got something for you today, it’s on your bed.”

“Oh, what is it?” Shinji trotted over to her room. 

Misato leaned against the wall on the other side of the hallway and grinned. “See for yourself.” 

Shinji slid open the door. A parcel wrapped in shimmering cellophane sat on her bed. She laid aside her backpack and examined the object, the plastic crinkling as she handled it. Contained within was a First Municipal Middle School girls’ uniform. 

“Ritsuko called and said to get you your own seifuku as part of what you two are doing over there,” Misato explained, “I guess she badgered the school to let you wear it too. Exciting, right?”

“Yeah!” Shinji beamed.

“Why don’t you try it on?” Misato coaxed. 

Shinji nodded, ecstatic. She slid the door closed behind her and tore open the plastic film. Butterflies swarmed in her stomach. Her own uniform. Quick as she could, Shinji undressed and tossed aside her boys’ uniform, replacing it with her new blouse and skirt. She tried in vain to tie the ribbon, but it kept sticking out in weird directions. Whatever. It was enough as it was. She sat back on her bed and kicked her legs back and forth, savoring the sensations of her new clothes. Feeling encouraged, she retrieved the training bra and one of the pairs of underwear Misato had gotten her, and momentarily undressed partway to slip them on under her new outfit. The view from her perspective felt empowering. She slid open the door.

Misato smirked. “I gotta teach you how to tie those ribbons right. Looks cute, though.”

“...Thanks,” Shinji blushed and stared at the floor. 

Misato checked her watch. “I gotta go pick Asuka up from the doctor’s,” she excused herself. “Do you think you could do me a solid and make dinner tonight?”

“Yeah, okay,” Shinji accepted. It was supposed to be Misato’s turn, buuuut letting her take charge of anything food related was usually a mistake. 

When Misato had left, Shinji took the opportunity to examine herself in the mirror again. The girl that looked back at her was starting to feel a bit more familiar, a bit more like her. She thought she was honestly kind of cute. Actually, she started to feel a little turned on. Her hand began to worm its way down towards her groin, but she stopped herself. Probably best to avoid accidentally soiling the uniform the first night she got it. Plus if Section 2 actually  _ was  _ watching everything like Ibuki had claimed a couple days back, she couldn’t imagine dressing up in girls’ clothes and jerking off would play well with them. Or, for that matter, with the rest of Nerv once they inevitably started gossiping about her again. Or with Dr. Akagi. Shinji sighed. There weren’t any cameras in the bath, right? She slid the door closed behind her and carefully undressed.

* * *

 

Asuka hastily slipped her uniform back on and stormed out of the doctor’s office. Fucking pelvic exams always made her feel so gross inside. Couldn’t they just fucking find something for once instead of rummaging around up there forever like a fucking klutz and whinging about  _ oh we couldn’t feel anything, could you come back again sometime soon?  _ Like come the fuck on, nobody  _ else  _ had periods this bad, clearly  _ something  _ was fucking up in there. Doctors were supposed to be able to just fucking know what was wrong! And wasn’t Nerv Hospital supposed to be the best of the best or some horseshit? 

She entered the bathroom across the hall and leaned in over the counter to fix her hair. In a practiced routine, she slid the A-10 interface clips out and combed through her auburn locks with her fingers, before separating out her pigtails and fastening them back in place. She turned her head back and forth in front of the mirror to make sure everything was suitably tidy. Some profane sprig of hair hadn’t quite settled how she wanted to, so she tried to rethread it through the nerve clips again. It was still fuckin sticking up. She tore the nerve clip off and started the process again.

Verdammter mist! Why couldn’t anything just work the way it was fuckin supposed to? Her hair was fucking unmanageable, her body was fucking tearing itself to shreds every month, she felt things about Hikari no girl ever should, and to top it all off, she couldn’t even get her fucking Eva to listen to her. She felt a lump form in her throat and slammed her fist into the counter. No. She wasn’t going to cry. She wasn’t some hapless waif built so close to the water the rising tide could move her to tears, not anymore. She was stronger than that now. 

...Right? She looked to the girl in the mirror for reassurance, but none came. Instead, her eyes returned only fear and confusion. She had always excelled in all the ways expected of her, in school and university, in her career as an Eva pilot, as a beautiful girl surrounded by friends and admirers, but now- now she barely recognized herself. She was just some barely literate, sexually deviant, fuckup pilot whose only real friend in the world was just as much of a degenerate as she was, to say nothing of any of the other human trash fires she was stuck hanging around the rest of the time. A growing part of her wished there was a way to reach into the mirror and strangle that useless shitbird staring back at her.

* * *

 

“Ayanami?” the pharmacist intoned. With mechanical precision, he folded and creased the lip of the paper bag containing her life-giving medicine and stapled it to an instructional pamphlet. 

Rei stowed her textbook and approached the counter. As she stood, the sudden motion wracked her head with pain, and she squeezed her eyes shut. A wave of nausea flooded through her gut as the throbbing subsided. Rei tried to steady herself on the arm of the chair she had occupied. She really ought to have learned by then not to let her prescriptions lapse like that, but... sometimes it was just difficult to stay on top of things. The surface of the counter was uncomfortably high off the ground, clearly intended for someone with an adult’s height. Rei balanced on her tiptoes and looked up expectantly at the pharmacist.

“Identification?” the pharmacist commanded. Rei handed over her Nerv ID. The pharmacist’s head swiveled back and forth as he compared the information on her card to the readout on his terminal. Satisfied, he handed the ID back and began to rifle off the instructions for taking the handful of medications being refilled, a routine long since burned into Rei’s mind.

Rei placed the paper bag in her satchel and found her way back through the hospital to the elevator. After a short wait, the doors opened. Inside, the pilot of Unit 02 pressed her back into the wall, her piercing blue eyes burning like the flames of a gas stove as a choking cloud of malice billowed out from her cranium. Freckles scattered across her folded arms like smouldering pyroclastic debris. Rei took up her usual elevator spot directly in front of the doors, so close her breath fogged on the polished metal.

“Is this where you ran off to today?” the Second Child fomented, “scared Miss Kurosawa would make you do a pull-up? Or was that English test gonna be too much for you?”

“I was in pain and felt like I was going to vomit,” Rei clarified. She braced herself for whatever eruption the other pilot was building towards. 

“Oh no,” the pilot’s voice took on a syrupy sweet quality, “don’t tell me you’re on  _ your  _ period, too!”

“My body doesn’t work like that,” Rei explained, “The necessary organs aren’t present.” It was just one of many biological quirks that served to emphasize the gulf between her and others. 

“Boy are you fucking lucky,” the girl roiled, “What I wouldn’t give to not have to deal with this shit every month of my life!” 

“There exist procedures that will remove that functionality,” Rei mused, “but the tradeoff may not be as beneficial as you presume.” Keeping a proper endocrine balance was just another thing she relied on others to manage, after all. But also, it seemed to be a prospect most women found disquieting to consider.

“Yeah? I’m never fuckin having kids, who gives a shit,” the Second Child fumed, “if we traded bodies for a month, you’d see you’re not fuckin missing anything.”

“I imagine that could be arranged,” Rei speculated. After all, there were countless bodies just like hers floating in that foul tank only a few hundred meters below their feet, just waiting for a stray soul to inhabit them. The idea of that girl of all people taking up the torch of Rei Ayanami struck Rei as sort of amusing.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” the pilot flared. “Fuck you!”

Apparently out of fuel, the Second Child settled back into her volatile silence. The elevator continued its decent, neither pilot speaking to the other. And what was there to say? That girl was just monumentally repulsive. Endlessly confrontational, tirelessly vain, ceaselessly petty...  _ but. _ She thought back to what Nagisa had said the other night, and considered that maybe it was worth trying to reach out to her anyway.

“Have you made amends with Unit 02?” Rei queried. The Second Child was in all likelihood still sore from the last sync test.

“Piss off,” the pilot seethed. “I don’t have to  _ make amends _ with a fuckin puppet. I think, it moves, that’s how it works.”

“You need to open your heart to the Eva,” Rei advised, “understand her feelings. She and Unit 00 were badly injured during the battle last month. We owe them a great debt. The least we can do is try to be accommodating and compassionate towards them in return.”

“Is that some kinda weird Shinto thing?” the girl smouldered, “Or are you just saying that cuz you’re a doll yourself?”

“I am not a doll,” Rei protested. 

“Yeah? You sure about that?” the pilot erupted, “You’d do aaaanything to suck up to Commander Ikari and his weirdo son, and they just  _ love  _ playing house with you.” She pried herself from the wall and stalked over behind Rei. “I wonder, are those scars under there really from piloting,” Rei felt a finger trace down her spine, “Or are they seams in your fabric? I bet you’d cut your own fuckin stomach out if the Commander ordered.” 

Rei’s back arched involuntarily from the sensation. “I... I wouldn’t. It’s not like that.”

The Second Child snorted. “Fuckin news to me.” The carriage steadied at the lobby and the doors opened. She pushed Rei aside and stormed out of the elevator. 

Rei grasped at the handrail to catch herself, her head splitting with agony. She felt a wave of heat wash over her, and her heart raced. She stumbled out of the elevator and doubled over to wretch. This notion of caring for people was going to take some patience.

* * *

 

Shinji accepted her bag of groceries from the convenience store clerk with a curt nod and left the shop. Outside, the towering buildings cast long shadows over the streets as Shinji made her way home, accompanied only by the hiss of cicadas. A small handful of salarymen and women descended from the commuter train station as she passed, looking weary and disheveled. 

After her excursion in girl clothes with Asuka and Kensuke over the weekend, Shinji longed for another such opportunity to express herself like that in public. But like, no way did she feel safe going out like that alone. She wasn’t sure how exactly Dr. Akagi expected her to just...  _ do  _ it, all day every day. 

A curious sound caught Shinji’s ear as she walked. It sounded... sort of like a voice singing? The words were recognizable, and the pitch moved up and down as in a song, but there was an uncanny quality to it, like the voice of a bird mimicking human speech. Even so, something about it felt soothing to listen to. The voice was deeper than Shinji’s, and a bit raspy, but soft and warm as a sandy beach. Captivated, she searched around for the source of the song. 

_ All who dare to cross her course _

_ Are swallowed by a fearsome force _

_ Through the void, to be destroyed _

_ Or is there something more? _

_ Atomized at the core _

_ Or through the astral door _

_ To soar _

The quest brought her to a narrow alleyway, shielded from the light by the buildings on either side. She poked her head around the corner, and a pair of crimson eyes stared back at her out of the indistinct darkness. They blinked slowly. Nearer to the ground, several smaller pairs of eyes turned to look in her direction as well. As her own sight adjusted to the low light, Shinji discerned that they belonged to a handful of cats gathered around a strange and mesmerizing girl. She stood a good bit taller than Shinji, with hair like rolling thunder and a petrifying stare. Her silhouette was reminiscent of a- wait, was this that weird girl from before?

“Hello there,” the figure chirped, from out of the darkness. “Do you happen to know what song that was? It played from a store, and it seems to have stuck in my head.”

“Uh,” Shinji stared at the ground. “I uh, I don’t know,” She stammered, “But- but the record store plays old rock music a lot. Maybe it was Yes or something?” Now that she was this deep, she found herself unsure how to respond to any of this situation.

“Perhaps I should just seek them out and ask,” the figure considered, “Music is a beautiful thing, don’t you agree? Such a vibrant means of expression.”

Shinji nodded warily. It was hard to tell if this was a pleasant conversation or how she was going to die. 

“You don’t need to be afraid,” the figure cooed, apparently taking notice of her unease. “Say, we’ve crossed paths before, haven’t we?” the being inquired. She began to approach Shinji. 

“I think so, uh, about a week ago?” Shinji unconsciously stepped backwards.

“Right!” the figure clapped her hands together and the sound echoed through the alley. “I remember now. “May I ask your name? Mine is Nagisa, Kaworu Nagisa.” she stopped directly in front of Shinji, so close Shinji could feel her radiant body heat. She smelled of burning sandalwood.

“Uh, I’m Shinji Ikari,” she murmured. Up close, Nagisa was strikingly beautiful, not so much in the way that, say, Asuka or even really Rei were, but more in the sense that a swarming cloud of birds at sunset might be.

“Oh!” Nagisa chimed, “How fortunate! I’ve been dying to meet you.” her smile revealed perhaps a few too many teeth, as well as signs of past neglect.

“What? You- you have?” Something about that sentiment seemed reversed. The Ashinoko Lake Monster wasn’t the one trying to surreptitiously capture photos of humans, after all.

Nagisa nodded. “You and I have a lot in common, as I understand it. I would even dare to say we’re cut from the same cloth.”

“What do you mean?” Shinji looked down and noticed that the pack of stray cats had followed Nagisa over. One looked up at Shinji and meowed emphatically.

“Well, for starters, we’ve both been selected by the powers that be to pilot Eva,” Nagisa counted off on her long, bony fingers, “but that’s inconsequential. I believe we also have a mutual friend in a certain charming soul by the name of Rei Ayanami. Perhaps more pertinently, we’ve both rejected the loathsome masculinity ascribed to us as children in favor of our own interpretations of who and what we ought to be. But our most important commonality is that we have resolved to remain soft and gentle in circumstances that routinely demand we act with brutality.”

“I... I guess that’s true?” Shinji agreed, more than a little perplexed. “So you’re uh, you’re Like Me? You- you used to be a boy too?”

“That’s one way to look at it,” Nagisa considered. She unfurled her spindly boughs in a shrug. “but yes, we’re progressing through similar journeys. In fact, it’s why I’ve been placed here, at Nerv. Father saw the adjustments I was making and sent me away. Something about not needing a ‘god damned fairy’ as his heir, if I recall.”

“Uh, I’m sorry to hear that,” Shinji ventured, “I guess, I guess that’s another thing we have in common- I, my father, he...” She trailed off, the wound now plucked open and raw. Tears began to gather in her eyes.

“Oh, you poor creature,” Nagisa sighed, “You deserve better than whatever he did to you.”  She reached out to caress Shinji’s shoulder, and a sense of tingling warmth and fulfillment spread outward from her touch.

Without thinking, Shinji lurched forward and wrapped her arms around the girl and pressed her face into Nagisa’s shoulder. The girl reciprocated, shielding Shinji from the uncaring world with her body. She gently ran a hand from the crown of Shinji’s head to her neck. 

Shinji’s cell phone rang, interrupting the moment. She broke away from the girl and fished it out of her pocket. Looked like a Nerv number. She shot Nagisa an apologetic look, blushing as she answered. “Hello?”

“Shinji? It’s Misato. Get to HQ  _ now _ , an angel just appeared.”


	13. Asuka Langley-Soryu and the Terror of the Basilisk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heads up, there's a good bit of transphobia and some slurs in this one

“What’s  _ she  _ doing here?” Asuka grumbled. She folded her arms on the kitchen table and slumped over to rest her chin atop them. The motion carried her over Kensuke’s whiteboard and smudged some of the map off as she came to rest.

Kensuke gave her a frustrated and exhausted look, but she didn’t care. Fuck that kid, he was probably just as weird and fucked up as Shinji, just without the fucking mandate of heaven propping his dainty ass up. And with more weird knives. 

Wondergirl took the seat next to Shinji and set her bag down on the floor. “Ikari invited me,” she mumbled in her stupid affected monotone, as if that explained fucking anything. Why was she wearing her fuckin school uniform anyway? Did she literally not own any other clothes somehow? Figures. She’s the Commander’s doll, she probably can’t clothe herself without him.

Asuka turned to glare at Shinji and repeated her question. “What’s she doing here?”

Shinji’s gaze immediately fled to the table’s surface. “I- I dunno,” he tripped over his words like a moron, as usual. He was wearing that shitty girls’ t-shirt again, because of course. Asuka started to wish she’d let that gorilla in Kameyu clock his ass after all, like, Shinji would’ve just shat himself and gone back to being a regular dumb coward boy, and then none of this other shit would be happening. “I just, I just thought, y’know, maybe she’d appreciate it if we could just like, hang out as friends?”

“Yeah? Friends?” Asuka prodded, “are you sure you aren’t trying to get her to ride your bologna pony?”

“What?” Shinji looked more confused than hurt. So much for trying to be clever. “What does that even mean?”

Asuka heaved an exasperated sigh. “Your dick. I’m talking about your dick,” she explained. “Although, come to think of it, could you even do anything if you tried? Miss ‘the necessary organs aren’t present’ is probably smooth as a doll down there anyway!”

“How vulgar,” Wondergirl bitched. 

“Nobody told you to talk,” Asuka scolded. One would think she’d know her place by now. 

Shinji and Kensuke exchanged A Look. Kensuke took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair. “Look, uh,” he mumbled, “maybe it was a mistake to try to play today. I dunno what happened with that last angel, but uh-”

“Yeah, that’s right,” Asuka sat up straight again and brandished a finger at him. “You don’t. You fucking don’t, Kensuke, you couldn’t even come close. Fuck!” She slammed her hands on the table and rose. “I’m not dealing with you shitbirds today,” she announced, “...and I’m  _ definitely  _ not dealing with  _ that! _ ” she pointed dismissively at Wondergirl.

The others looked on in stunned silence. Figures. There weren’t three people on the planet as pathetically conflict-averse as those idiots. Asuka started to storm off toward her room. “I’m going out. Don’t wait up for me.” she slammed the sliding door behind her and it bounced off the frame, coming to rest at about the same place it started.  _ What jackass designed this hell apartment so the only room with a satisfying door to slam was the toilet? _ Asuka thought, as she snatched up her wallet and dropped it in her purse.

“So... what do we do today, then?” Shinji’s mewling voice carried from across the hall.

“I dunno,” Kensuke replied, “I guess we can roll her a character and then go get lunch or something?”

Fucking hell, of course they’re just doting on that freak. Did she exude some kinda spore that made boys bend over backwards for her limp, pasty ass?  _ Meanwhile, over here in the real world, a god damned angel just fucked my brain from the edge of space!  _ She hoisted her bag over her shoulder and stomped back towards the front door.

“Hey, Asuka, I, uh, I’m sorry about, y’know-”

“Eat shit!” Asuka flipped Shinji off as she thundered out of the apartment.

* * *

 

“You’re not coming?” the bard inquired, cocking her head as she spoke.

“No fuckin way,” the fighter replied. “Those stuck-up college types piss me off.” she took a bite out of a block of cheese and washed it down with the inn’s watery ale. “I got some stuff to do here in town anyway. Just meet me back here later.”

“I mean, if you say so,” the bard ceded. She didn’t like traveling alone, even if it was just across town. Like, she was built like a beanpole, if anyone decided to give her trouble, that would be the end of it. And around these parts, people could be pretty weird about  _ her kind _ . But she’d known the fighter long enough to recognize when she wasn’t gonna budge on something. 

Back in their room, the bard fished out her bronze mirror from her rucksack and examined her reflection. The mirror was adorned with an intricate engraving of the mountains and valleys her tribe had once wandered, the locations of prime fishing spots and thickets of berry bushes marked in a language only she knew. She licked her hand a few times and tried to smooth out her terminally messy hair. Satisfied, she slung her bag and hurdy gurdy across her back, and her saber across her waist, adjusting each strap carefully for comfort. 

The bright mid-morning sun stung the bard’s eyes as her pupils contracted into tight slits to adjust to the light. An indistinct human cacophony carried from the bazaar a few streets over, but the street the inn occupied was quiet, save for the occasional housewife hanging laundry to dry. As she traversed the streets, she hummed a tune forever burned into her subconscious after a childhood spent accompanying her mother on sojourns into the brush to gather food and fresh water. Was mother still alive? She couldn’t say. 

The mage college was a sprawling campus on the outskirts of town. Various stables, workshops, and dormitories surrounded a towering central building supported by vast flying buttresses and sporting a vast stained-glass window styled after a ritual circle high above the entryway. It was like it was constructed specifically to make onlookers feel insignificant. The students milling about in the courtyards and walkways dressed in fine robes dyed in rich purples and blues with golden trim. They stared obviously at the bard as she crossed to the central tower, their eyes fixated on the ears atop her head or the tail poking out from under her tunic. It was a sensation she had grown to expect in the years since the fire, but never quite acclimated to. 

“Lord, who keeps letting these fairies in,” the librarian complained, as the bard approached his desk. The man was quite tall, with a long face and pointy ears. His desk was adorned with a variety of lamps, artfully engraved and inset with brilliant gemstones. 

“I’m not-” the bard caught herself. Probably best not to get in an argument if she could help it. “Do you know anyone I could talk to about basilisks?”

“Sorry, I forgot we’re calling you lot ‘woodland creatures’ now,” the librarian chuckled to himself. “‘Fraid not, though. Professor Roko used to be into that sort of thing, but he’s mad as a hatter these days.”

“Oh,” the bard’s ears turned down. “Uh, would you know how I might get in touch with him?”

“Nope,” the librarian folded his arms. “And even if I did, he wouldn’t have anything intelligent to say.” he adjusted his glasses. “Say, why don’t you go collect your grimy friend and give her a bath that doesn’t involve licking each other for once.”

“My friend?” The bard tried not to let his jeering get to her, but her hair began to stand on end. 

“Yeah, that other fa- uh, woodland creature who came in earlier. Tracked in all kinds of mud and leaves, just filthy. She’s probably eating the books as we speak.”

“Where, uh, do you know where she is?” When was the last time she’d seen another person Like Her? Must’ve been a month at least, maybe two. 

“Hell if I know,” the librarian waved his hand dismissively. “Just follow her scent or whatever you people do.”

The bard searched through the library for the mysterious other girl, checking between every shelf and in every carefully arranged reading nook set inside the walls. At last, she came to an alcove in the botany section bordered by two large flytrap plants. Inside, a fellow cat-girl laid, curled into a ball by the window, a dark silhouette against the daylight outside. Her clothes were ratty and faded, and her blue-grey hair was full of carefully arranged sticks and leaves. As the bard approached, the other girl’s eyes opened, a brilliant shade of red. Her ears perked up and she blinked slowly.

She responded in kind, her heart racing. “Uh, hello,” she ventured, “not too often you see another cat-folk around here, huh?”

“I wouldn’t know,” the other girl replied, her tone flat and obscure. “I prefer not to enter this town.”

“Oh. What uh, what brings you here, then?” the bard asked, desperate for conversation.

“The trees at the forest’s edge have become rotten and blighted,” She explained, “I thought perhaps the townsfolk might have documented a way to cure it, but there is none here.”

“So are you like, a druid?” the bard inquired. 

“There are some who would call me that, yes,” she replied. “Though I am simply an aspect of the forest, nothing more.”

The bard thought for a moment. “Hey, uh, you wouldn’t happen to know about a basilisk living in the woods, would you?”

* * *

 

“Plug depth at 60,” Maya called out. 

Ritsuko leaned on the back of Maya’s chair and looked at her terminal. 99% sync rate, just like it said in the memo. “The guys changed the cartridges in the spectral oscilloscope, right?” 

“Yeah,” Maya leaned forward onto her desk. “It’s still the Soryu core in there, right? This doesn’t make any sense.”

“Nothing about that kid makes sense,” Ritsuko lamented. “But if all the instruments were set up right, then I guess we have to believe it.”

“So...” Maya swiveled around in her seat. A pensive expression was on her face.

“So?” Ritsuko took a sip of coffee.

“Are we gonna replace Soryu?” 

“Well...” Ritsuko paused to think. “Maybe. We still need a real psych eval and probably another sync test from her before we make a real decision. But yeah, it’s uh, definitely on the table.”

“God, she’ll be crushed,” Maya fretted. 

“It’s better than letting an angel get through because one of our pilots wasn’t able to keep up,” Ritsuko shrugged. “I mean, honestly she’s just lucky she still has all her faculties after that kind of mental contamination. Being demoted is getting off really light.”

“I guess,” Maya conceded, though she didn’t look satisfied. “I just hope she’ll be okay.”

“She’ll live,” Ritsuko tried to reassure her, though that was never one of her strong suits. “She’s been through worse, in any case.” she leaned in and opened the intercom. A camera feed from Unit 02’s entry plug appeared on the large overhead monitor. “Nagisa?”

The girl’s eyes snapped open, her piercing gaze no less unnerving over video.  _ At least she’s not giving me a migraine this time,  _ Ritsuko thought. “Was that satisfactory?”

“Yeah, very impressive,” Ritsuko commented. “We’re gonna need you to come in again tomorrow to do some tests in the Eva itself.”

“Of course!” Nagisa clapped her hands together, sending ripples through the LCL and distorting the image on screen.

Ritsuko cut the intercom and turned back to Maya. “Can you start getting her ejected? I’m gonna go grab more coffee.”

“Sure thing, ma’am,” Maya chirped. “Uh, do you think you could top me off too while you’re down there?”

Ritsuko left the control room with her mug and Maya’s thermos in hand and made a beeline for the coffee machine. The break room was occupied by a handful of chattering Section 2 goons sneering about whatever scuttlebutt they’d gleaned from the day’s work. For a bunch of idiot meatheads who thought they were James-Bond-Dirty-Harry-Ethan-Hunt, they gossiped more than a trio of women. Ritsuko inspected the coffee pot. Nearly empty. She poured what was left into Maya’s thermos and opened the cabinet the get more grounds. As she waited for the coffee to percolate, she listened in on the agents’ conversation.

“Like come on, right,” one of the agents balked, “Teen boy disappears into the one room in the house without cameras the moment he’s alone? He thinks he’s being so clever.”

“Fuck, I owe Matsumori five hundred yen,” another agent cursed, “I coulda sworn he was just a fag.”

“He’s that too, but apparently he’s a pervert on top of it,” the first agent replied. 

Were those guys talking about Shinji? It sure sounded like it.  _ It might be a good idea to start really grilling him about autogynephilia, then.  _ Ritsuko thought,  _ then I can shut the book on this whole fucking thing. _ Honestly, whoever committed that theory to paper was a fucking genius. It was just like, a perfectly valid excuse to brand most of those weirdos as sexual deviants at the still frustrating but acceptable expense of letting the closest to normal among them get what they wanted. Plus like, the whole process was just super uncomfortable for them. It really had everything.

The coffee machine finished percolating, and Ritsuko filled the thermos and her mug. She strode out of the break room with a weight lifted off her shoulders. At least  _ one  _ thing was going right this week.

* * *

 

“Ooh, check this one out!” Kensuke held up the catalog and indicated towards a listing for  _ FLAME CHASER DOUBLE HEAD DRAGON AXE. _ An adjacent photo depicted a battleaxe with an image of a fire breathing dragon emblazoned on each blade. 

“That’s uh,” Shinji swallowed her mouthful of scrambled eggs and also her pride. “That’s pretty badass.” It wasn’t. It was really stupid looking. It was reminiscent of a weapon from a super sentai show or something. Like, okay, it was kinda cool, but wasn’t that like, the kind of thing younger kids were into? 

“Why is the blade shaped that way?” Rei inquired, “It doesn’t appear-”

“How is everything over here?” A waitress strode up and interrupted. The hair on the back of Shinji’s neck stood on end as she conspicuously looked over the trio of misfits in the booth.

Rei shot the woman a confused and disgusted look and turned back to Kensuke to continue her thought. “The blade doesn’t appear functional.”

“It’s fine,” Shinji assured the waitress. She raised an apologetic hand in front of her face.

“No, like,” Kensuke turned the catalog back around and examined the image again. “The notches are for, uh, you know, like if you swing it right, the middle part is the only section that should be coming into contact with stuff, so they can remove material in other places to make it lighter.” he drank some tea. “Also it looks cool.”

“If you insist,” Rei conceded. She returned to pushing around the mess of hash browns on her plate. 

Kensuke went back to rummaging through the magazine for more alleged weapons to geek out about. Shinji looked over at Rei. She wasn’t uncomfortable or anything, right? She didn’t  _ look  _ it, but she could be kinda hard to read. Her being more talkative than usual was  _ probably  _ a good sign. Probably. Hopefully she’d say something if she wanted to go home. 

Shinji nudged Rei’s foot under the table and she looked up in mild surprise. She’d seen Misato do this with Kaji a few times, but she was pretty unclear on what the goal was. She decided to nudge Rei’s foot again. Rei looked up again, confused. Shinji repeated the motion for a third time, and Rei grabbed her foot in between both of hers. She felt a cool sensation where Rei’s legs touched her own, but her heart felt warm from the sense of contact.

“Should something be done about the pilot of Unit 02?” Rei inquired. She continued her hold on Shinji’s foot. “She seemed volatile.”

“The pilot of... Oh. Right,” Kensuke folded the magazine closed and sighed. “I dunno. I’ve been feeling for a while that like, if she’s just gonna use the table to blow up at us whenever she’s in a bad mood, we probably shouldn’t have to sit through it.” he paused. “And I guess part of the reason I haven’t put my foot down about it is just like, cuz without her we wouldn’t have enough people to play. But now since you’re here, I dunno, I feel like it might be better if she wasn’t part of the game.”

“Is that like,  _ right _ , though?” Shinji questioned, “to just cut her loose like that? And like, she’s been through a lot -we’ve all been through a lot- and I guess like, y’know, maybe what she needs is someone to try to help her through stuff.”

“Look, man,” Kensuke gestured with his fork. “None of us are her therapist. Honestly you -well, really both of you- have more reason than anyone to be pissed at her. You would be a  _ hundred  _ percent justified in telling her to leave.”

“I tend to agree with Ikari,” Rei spoke up again. “I’m not sure we have the ability to help her, but someone ought to try.”

“If you guys are determined to, I can’t stop you,” Kensuke shrugged, “But nobody’s gonna hold it against you if you can’t, or if you change your mind.”

* * *

 

_ “Ayanami, you take point. Equip Unit 00 for long range. Asuka, you take backup.” _

_ “Understood.” _

_ “What?! You want me to back HER up?” _

_ “That’s what I said.” _

_ “That’s bullshit, Misato! Fuck this. Launching Unit 02 NOW!” _

_ “Oh for fucks’s sake! ...Hey, what’s that light? Some kind of long-range particle beam?” _

_ “Negative. No thermal fluctuation detected.” _

_ “Abnormal patterns in pilot psychograph. Signs of mental contamination present.” _

_ “Wait, so is it a psychic attack? Or is it trying to communicate?” _

* * *

 

_ I don’t need any idiot mages to help me fight some fucking lizard,  _ the fighter assured herself, as she trudged through the forest outside of town. The thick canopy overhead protected the forest floor from the prying eyes of the sun even in broad daylight, and the underbrush was thick with creepers and brambles. She hacked through a dense thicket with her sword.  _ I’ll just do what Perseus did and then fucking skewer it.  _

The fighter’s lamp went dim and she sat down on a stone to add more oil, her crimson armor clattering and clanking as she moved. She lit the fluid with her tinderbox and the warm firelight shone on the foliage once again. She took a look around, and noticed that the stone she perched atop was pretty odd-looking. Actually, all the rocks around here were pretty weird. They looked almost like... dismembered people? It was as if someone hauled a bunch of statues out into the woods and blasted them with a canon. A torso here, some legs there, a head slowly being reclaimed by moss.  _ Guess I’m going in the right direction, _ the fighter surmised. She kicked a fist-rock and it shattered into debris from the impact. 

Soon, the fighter came to an earthen mound with a gaping hole leading downward into the inky blackness beneath the ground. She descended through the tunnel, itching to find her quarry. The walls were made of densely-packed soil punctuated with stone supports that looked to be made from a similar material to the petrified gore strewn about outside. The lamplight illuminated a patchwork of textures carved into the wall, some portions smooth as silk, others covered in pock marks and meandering grooves, and a few with feathers or bone packed into the surface.

She arrived in an antechamber of sorts. Crude wooden shelves lined the walls, adorned with myriad wood and stone carvings. Most were shaped like animals or monsters. A few depicted pairs of cat-folk embracing. The fighter picked up a statuette of a swan and held it up to the lamplight. An intricate feather pattern was carved into its body and wings. The basilisk was just a dumb reptile, right? Not the sort of creature to be making art. She placed the swan back on the shelf. Maybe there was something valuable down here worth stealing at least. Dark holes in the woods were fair game in her book. 

Deeper inside, the fighter came across a larger room dominated by a divination circle carved into the floor. Magickal reagents had been arranged about the circle, and a mound of petrified animal skulls laid in the center. The smell of sulfur lingered in the room. The fighter heard a strange sound emanating from around a corner, a sort of wet noise, accompanied by grunting. Quietly as she could manage, the fighter drew her short sword and buckled the lantern to her waist. She sidled up to the wall and peered into the darkness.

A naked woman hunched over a partially-flayed boar carcass, her back to the fighter. She was sort of tall with well-toned muscles. Cat ears sprouted from the top of her head, and a tail from above her buttocks. Her long red hair was wild and matted. She dug a rough stone knife into the boar’s flesh and peeled back a portion of skin. As the light from the lantern caught her, she wheeled around to face the fighter. She might as well have been the her doppelganger, save for the feline components. Their faces were identical, their bodies carbon copies down to the last scar and freckle.

The fighter opened her mouth and screamed.

* * *

“I’m sorry,” Rei mumbled, under her breath. “You didn’t mean to hurt her.”

She hoisted the Lance of Longinus over Unit 00’s shoulder, took a running start, and heaved it into the air. As if it possessed a will of its own, the lance traced a corkscrew path through the sky towards the floating angel, glowing from the superheated air around its contour as it accelerated to mind-numbing speeds. The dour rainclouds overhead dissipated, and the city was washed over in brilliant, unadulterated sunlight. Then, as abruptly as the angel had appeared, it was no more.


	14. The Importance of Setting Up Boundaries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not dead!
> 
> cw for transphobia and transphobic violence

Shinji slung her backpack over her shoulder and examined herself one more time in the mirror. The bow on her new uniform didn’t  _ quite  _ look right, but whatever, the novelty of wearing it at all was too overpowering for her to care all that much. Still, it was hard to ignore the anxiety she felt around actually going to school wearing it.  _ Supposedly, _ Dr. Akagi had handled things, but like, it wasn’t as if she could do anything to make anyone  _ like  _ that she was apparently a girl now.

The doorbell buzzed, and Shinji hurriedly put on her shoes and checked her backpack to make sure she had her wallet and stuff. Not having pockets was turning out to be super inconvenient. There was barely enough room in her bag for her notebooks and the two bento boxes, to say nothing of her wallet and other miscellaneous pocket junk. She opened the door to find Kensuke pointing his camcorder in her direction again. 

“Shit!” Shinji shrunk back behind the doorway. “Do you really have to film all this stuff? It’s embarrassing!” 

Kensuke peeked out from behind the viewfinder and grinned. “I already told you, man, this is non-negotiable.” he paused. “So is Asuka gonna come swear at us and stuff this morning, or is she staying home or whatever?”

Shinji shrugged and stepped outside. “Nah, she left already,” The cool morning air passed between her legs under her skirt. It was a strange sensation she’d never felt before. Already, some cicadas had begun their daily screeching which mixed with the sound of passing cars to form a dampened cacophony of white noise. “Probably she’s hanging out with Hikari or something.”

“Is she like, you know, doing better at all?” Kensuke asked.

Shinji shook her head. “I don’t think so. She kinda just stayed in her room the rest of the weekend. We didn’t talk or anything either.”

“Jeez,” Kensuke sighed. 

The pair boarded the elevator and descended to street level. The carriage jittered a bit as it moved, and a faint metallic rattling accompanied the buzzing of the floor indicator. Kensuke leaned back against the railing and idly shoved his hands in his pockets. Shinji attempted to do the same, but... god damn it, this was going to take some getting used to. She folded her arms instead.

“Hey,” Shinji broke the silence. She took a deep breath. “I don’t like, I don’t look like an idiot in this, right?”

Kensuke looked up at her. “You look fine, dude. It uh, it suits you.”

“You sure?” 

“Yeah. Nervous?” 

“Dude you have no idea,” Shinji admitted.

“Between you and me,” Kensuke smirked and started digging through his backpack. “If anyone gives you trouble, let’s just say they’re gonna have a problem with  _ Vindicator _ .” he pulled a hefty-looking switch knife out of the bag and pressed the release. A long jet-black blade swung out from the handle in a flourish.

“What the fuck?” Shinji exclaimed, “Why do you even have that?”

Kensuke guffawed. “Self-defense is important!” he stowed the blade again. “Dad brought it back from a trip to America a while ago. It’s like, made out of some kinda fiberglass stuff so metal detectors don’t pick it up, and it’s got a little LED flashlight on it. Like I said. Between you and me.”

Shinji rolled her eyes. She appreciated the gesture, but like, she didn’t exactly have a lot of faith in Kensuke’s fighting ability. The elevator doors opened, and the two of them crossed the lobby to the street. Shinji caught the security guard starting at her out of the corner of her eye. 

“By the way,” Kensuke mentioned, trying very hard to sound nonchalant, “how uh, how’s Misato been doing lately?”

“I dunno, really,” Shinji shrugged. “She’s been at work a lot. Why, are you looking to get some creep shots or something?”

“No, it’s just-” Kensuke’s face twisted up in consternation. “Like okay, yeah, she’s super fuckin hot, what do you want from me, but like, I dunno, she’s also just... super cool? Like she’s a Major at age, what, 35 or something? That’s just like, like, she’s kinda a role model, I guess. Like if it turns out, y’know, that I never get to pilot, then like, I guess she’s kinda the goal.”

Shinji giggled a bit. She supposed that was probably marginally healthier than pining over a chance to be a pilot, but like, it was kinda amusing how many of his “role models” and such were women. Was Kensuke Like Her? He didn’t seem feminine, like, at all. But maybe she herself didn’t  _ either _ until all this happened. Or maybe her frame of reference was just fucked.

When they got to school, Shinji felt all manner of stares boring into her from students and faculty. Most inquisitive, some malicious, a few smirks... though it really didn’t matter. Honestly any amount of attention was kind of uncomfortable, but this was enough to send her heart racing. She wished she could just blend back into the crowd somehow. 

Class 2-A was nearly empty when she got there. Hikari sat in the front row reading some novel, though strangely, Asuka was nowhere to be found. Rei gave Shinji an approving nod as she took her seat, before returning her gaze to the parking lot outside. Shinji tried to ignore her classmates’ prying eyes as they filtered in. She doodled a cat on her desk to distract herself, next to the inexpert sketch of Miss Kurosawa and under the gory stick figure duel.

“Stand! Bow!” Hikari’s commands snapped Shinji out of her bubble. 

She snapped to attention along with the rest of her class. Up at the front, Kurosawa herself surveyed the smattering of students and marked attendance on her roster. “Does anyone know if Nakahara’s here today?” 

“He’s moving,” one of the boys explained. 

“If you can contact him, can you ask him to make sure his parents handled stuff with the school?” Miss Kurosawa requested. The boy nodded in the affirmative. “How about Soryu?”

She was with Hikari this morning, right? Shinji looked over towards her to confirm, though Hikari just stared back at her, along with apparently everyone else in the class. The group of boys in the corner tried to stifle their giggling, to little effect. 

“Ikari?” Hikari prompted. 

“Uh, I thought she was with you?” Shinji tried to deflect the attention away from her. Still, it was a little weird that Asuka wasn’t around. Was she cutting class again? It wasn’t unheard of, she’d ditched a couple times to go to the theater and stuff, but like, given the state she’d been in for the last couple days, it was a little worrying. “Maybe she’s at Nerv?” 

“At least her fuckin clothes made it here, huh?” another boy jeered. Shinji tried her best to attain a 400% sync ratio with her desk.

Kurosawa eyed Shinji nervously. “Uh, about that. I guess it’s been handed down from on high that Ikari is going to be wearing the seifuku from now on. I’m really unclear on the details, but please don’t use that as an excuse to cause trouble, understand?”

The students just turned back around to stare at Shinji some more. She was beginning to wish she’d stayed melted into Unit 01 again. 

“Understand?” Hikari commanded. A murmur of acknowledgement spread throughout the class. Kurosawa made a deferential gesture to Hikari, and the girl rose to her feet. She cleared her throat. “All rise for the Oath of Loyalty!”

The students stood and saluted towards the flag hanging in the corner of the room. They mumbled the words mechanically and with acute disinterest, though Hikari of course spoke clearly and with gusto.

_ I swear to serve _

_ Our noble flag _

_ And the nation for which it stands _

_ One fatherland _

_ Everlasting  _

_ With honor for ten thousand years _

* * *

Ritsuko crowded in behind the Commander’s desk next to Vice Commander Fuyutsuki as Ikari opened the augmented reality call from Seele. The scent of his cologne started to turn her on, but she hurriedly pushed it out of her mind. This was absolutely not the time. The lights in the vast, empty office dimmed, the shutters on the windows closed, and the holographic projectors whirred and hummed to life. Particles of dust danced in the light they emitted as they drew 12 giant numbered monoliths floating in the air. The Commander settled into his usual posture hunched over the desk, hands folded in front of his face.

“You had better start talking, Ikari, or else you and your outfit’s days are numbered!” a scrambled voice boomed out of monolith 06.

The hair on the back of Ritsuko’s neck prickled and stood on end. She’d only been in a handful of these conferences over the years and none of them had been pleasant. Of the two billion people on earth, the Seele council were probably the twelve worst people to have angered, and as luck would have it, the Commander was  _ extremely  _ good at angering them.

“We did what needed to be done,” Ikari replied, stone faced. “The angel was destroyed.”

“Your disobedience has been noted,” Monolith 06 reprimanded. 

“We exhausted every other solution first,” Ristuko interjected, “The Lance was-”

“I am sure the Commander can speak for himself, little girl,” Monolith 03 jeered. Ritsuko dug her fingernails into the back of Ikari’s chair.

“The angel was in orbit well outside our range,” Ikari explained. “The Lance was the only thing that could reach.”

“Sahaquiel appeared in orbit as well,” Monolith 04 pointed out, “but you didn’t arbitrarily decide to throw the Lance onto the Moon then.”

“The tenth angel descended,” Ikari dismissed, “This one stayed in orbit for several hours while it attempted to contaminate our Eva. It didn’t appear to intend to alter its attack pattern.”

The harsh static of air blowing over the microphone emanated from Monolith 6. “If you deviate from the scenario further, you will be removed.” the Monolith disappeared from the room. All but Monolith 07 followed suit.

“I trust the fifth child has been received well?” the lone monolith inquired.

“Yes, sir,” Ritsuko decided not to levy any of her laundry list of complaints about that abominable child. “It’s likely she’ll be sortied against the next angel, assuming she shows any combat capability.”

“Fat chance of that fucking happening,” a second garbled voice spilled out of the monolith, “That impotent fucking twink couldn’t so much as swat a vespidous assailant without turning it into a fucking trolley problem! If even the most flaccid of that whole angelic lot, perhaps that flatworm dipshit, lifted a lone ineffable tendril against him, he would simply turn and spread his pallid asshole in a perfect goats-”

“Karl!” The first voice admonished, “This call is very important, you mustn’t interrupt daddy, understand?”

“Jawohl, mein Fuhrer,” the second voice grumbled.

An awkward silence followed, punctuated by a percussive noise that caused the audio transmission to clip. Ritsuko leaned in towards Fuyutsuki. “What the hell was that about?” she whispered, “Was that his kid or something?” 

“It’s more complicated than that,” Fuyutsuki explained, “But basically, yes.”

“I’m terribly sorry,” the monolith apologized, “It seems he’s been going through a rebellious phase. Though I suppose I should be thankful it’s nothing compared to that stunt Nagisa pulled.”

“Being..?” Ritsuko prompted. God knows what kind of insane shit she’d be in for if that angel child decided to act up. 

“You  _ must’ve  _ noticed,” the monolith said in disbelief, “It’s the most obvious thing about him.” A pause. “Don’t tell me you think he’s a girl? Do they not do physicals at Geh- erm, Nerv these days?”

_Did Ibuki editorialize the exam or some shit?_  Ritsuko contemplated, _Honestly it wouldn’t have been out of character for her._  She cleared her throat. “Uh, one of our lieutenants took care of that. Perhaps she wasn’t as thorough as I would’ve hoped.” Suddenly the whole ordeal made so much more sense, though. Seele was just using Nerv as a dumping ground for its fail-sons again, as usual.

* * *

The sickening high-pitched synthesized school bell chime broadcast over the intercom, ushering out the second period. Sticking with tradition, Miss Tanizaki continued her aimless tangent about her weekend trip to the mechanic. Rei folded her English textbook closed and looked out the window to check on the handful of birds down in the parking lot who had been bickering over a forgotten muffin all morning. The crows seemed to have taken the wreck back from the sparrows, finally. A particularly large corvid broke off a chunk and threw its head back to swallow. 

“Stand! Bow!” 

As if she were a necromancer, Horaki’s instructions reanimated the remains of class 2-A, and Rei with them. At the front of the classroom, a sweaty faculty member she recognized as one of the front desk clerks had rolled in a cart adorned with a large CRT monitor and a VCR. 

“Thanks, thanks,” The clerk paused to catch her breath. “Uh, so Mr. Hoshida’s car broke down and he couldn’t make it,” she warbled, “So uh, so I got some tapes from the stockroom here for you to choose from, we got uh, Ginga? It’s like, a dog, I guess?” She held up a VHS tape. “And uh, I also grabbed-” she squinted at the cover of the tape, “...It says Mach Gogogo, but I guess it’s not the one I watched as a kid? I dunno what’s going on there. Anyway. Your pick, dogs or cars?”

Dogs. The clerk set up the TV and inserted the tape. The insufferable coil whine from the CRT mechanism assaulted Rei’s senses as she fished her textbook out of her bag and attempted to concentrate. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Ikari get up and leave. It was curious, seeing her colleague -friend?- dressed in that manner. It was aesthetically pleasing in a way Rei couldn’t quite define. She found her place in the book and began to read, though her train of thought kept getting derailed. An image of herself dressed in the shirt and slacks the boys wore kept worming its way into her head. The person in her mind’s eye seemed dignified and confident, and chiefly, they were someone essentially other than “Rei Ayanami.” 

A sinkhole opened under her already derailed train of thought as a loud crash boomed over the TV’s speakers. She looked up with a start at the source of the noise, though the cartoon utterly failed to retain her attention. She surveyed the classroom briefly. Ikari still wasn’t back. Rei got up and strode over behind Aida’s desk.

“Did Ikari say where she was going?” She asked. Maybe Ikari was just going to talk to a teacher or visit the infirmary. She hoped nothing had happened to her.

“ _ Fuck _ ,” Aida jumped a bit in his seat. The hair on the back of his neck seemed to prickle and stand on end. “Er, no, I dunno. Bathroom, maybe?”

“It’s been a while,” Rei prodded.

Aida shrugged. “Maybe she’s doing a number two?” his hair gradually relaxed back to its customary unruly mop. 

_ Useless _ . Rei left the classroom and started making her way to the restrooms. She wasn’t exactly sure what she planned to do if there was some sort of conflict when she got there, but if Ikari had gotten in trouble, she didn’t want to leave it up to fate. 

As she walked down the hallway, Aida clattered up behind her. “Hey. You don’t think like, something bad happened, right?”

“It’s possible,” Rei speculated. 

“Fuck,” Aida swore. “Fuck, fuck fuck!” The boy was mercifully silent for a moment. “What are we gonna do?”

“Intervene.” 

Aida went quiet again. “...Okay. I’ll- I’ll check uh, the men’s room, and you, uh, you can check-”

“Understood,” Rei interrupted. 

“Right. Fuck,” Aida gibbered. 

As they approached the stalls, the sounds of muffled arguing emanated from the men’s room. Aida opened the door a crack and poked his head in. He turned to Rei and mouthed that Ikari was in there. She reached forward to push open the door, but Aida stopped her. 

“Wait. Should we, like, grab a teacher or something? What if there’s a fight?” Aida protested.

Rei squeezed past him and opened the door anyway. It’s not like the faculty ever offered  _ her  _ much help when she ran into problems with the other students. 

“This is sick,” a gruff voice barked, “Take it off.”

“What?” Ikari yelped, her voice stricken with panic. Two upperclassmen had backed her into the wall between the urinals.

“You heard me,” The taller of the two barked, “Take it off. Now.” He grabbed Ikari by the collar.

“Leave Ikari alone!” Rei commanded, as forcefully as she could manage.

The boys looked over at her, more bewildered than threatened. The larger boy must’ve been a good head taller than her with an athletic build, probably twice her weight. The shorter one, though comparatively wiry, still dwarfed her.

“Ayanami?” Ikari looked at her like a shipwrecked sailor at dry land.

“Piss off,” The taller boy cursed. 

“Wrong room, freak,” jeered the other boy, “Though honestly you don’t look human enough to call a girl either.” He turned to look at Aida and sneered. “Boy,  _ you  _ look like you’re gonna piss yourself.”

Rei followed his gaze towards Aida. He stood, frozen, all the color drained from his face. Even his freckles looked like they wanted to bolt. 

“Let go of her,” She took a quick series of steps towards the short boy and raised her hand to slap him, though he easily caught her arm and twisted it around behind her. She gasped, and he wrapped his other arm around her neck in a choke hold.

“The fuck is wrong with you morons?” The taller boy moaned, “Pick your fucking battles better.”

As if on cue, Aida pulled a dark-colored object out of his pocket and fidgeted with it, extending a blade. He screamed unintelligibly and charged the taller boy. The boy dropped Ikari, and in a practiced series of movements, caught Aida by the sleeve and the side of his shirt, and effortlessly threw him to the ground. He made a pained choking noise as he hit the floor, and the knife skittered away. The tall boy combed his hand through his hair, walked over to Aida, and kicked him. Ikari collected herself and drove her fist into his lower back, ineffectually. He turned and backhanded her, sending Ikari reeling.

Rei made and uncomfortable motion with her neck and bit into the arm wrapped around her throat, filling her mouth with the taste of blood. Startled, the shorter boy let go of her and examined his forearm. He scowled, wound his fist back and swung it forward. Rei flinched and squeezed her eyes shut, bracing for impact. But the impact never came. A hollow  _ thonk  _ like a bird colliding with a window pane echoed through the bathroom. Rei noticed a slow trickle of fluid on her upper lip, and felt a prickle in the base of her neck like a static shock.

“FUCK,” Her assailant shouted. He held up his hand to inspect it, and one of his knuckles had been smashed out of alignment. 

The other boy turned around and grimaced at the sight. “What the fuck happened?” The shorter boy simply carried on howling and cursing. “For fuck’s sake, Saitou,” he chastised. He pushed him towards the door and started to retreat himself. “You faggots better watch yourselves,” he warned.

Rei brought her hand to her face and wiped it across her mouth. A shimmering, viscous amber fluid coated her fingers. She felt faint, and collapsed to the ground.

* * *

Misato scribbled her signature on the final page of the repair order and placed it face-down on the pile. As she reached for the next packet, her eyes wandered upwards, and she noticed Ibuki standing over her desk, arms full of more fucking paperwork.

“Sorry to do this to you, Major,” Ibuki searched her desk for a relatively clear spot to dump the sheaf of papers, and settled on a spot atop file folder full of untouched claims from the last attack two months ago, between a model Corvette Stingray and the phone.

Misato mimed shooting herself in the head and Ibuki giggled. “Remind me never to let anybody use the positron rifle ever again.”

“You don’t even know the half of it,” Ibuki moaned. “One of the shots ruptured a sewer main down in the arts district, and a whole block got flooded.” she scrunched up her face in disgust. “We had to go down there to check on the cleanup the other day, and it was  _ rancid! _ ”

“Fuck,” Misato cursed appreciatively.

“I only puked twice,” Ibuki bragged. “How’re the kids, by the way?”

“God, do you have to phrase it like that?” Misato protested, “it makes it sound like they’re, y’know,  _ mine _ .” she leaned back in her chair. “I dunno, though. I think Shinji’s doing fine, or she was, at least. Like I think she’s dating Rei or something-”

“Oh, how cute!” Ibuki squeed. 

“Totally. And today was her first day of school as a girl, and like, she was super nervous about it, but I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Misato continued.

“It’s so cool Dr. Akagi was able to do that for her.” sighed Ibuki, wistfully. 

“Yeah definitely,” Misato agreed. “I remember she used to be pretty weird about that kinda thing back in college, so I’m glad she’s come around and stuff. But yeah...” her eyes wandered down to one of the model cars on her desk. “Asuka’s not doing great though. She got in some kinda fight with Shinji the other day, and then I guess they haven’t been speaking. And cuz of all this shit,” she gestured vaguely at the paperwork on her desk, “I haven’t been able to talk to them about it or anything. Like I know I suck at at that sorta stuff, but I gotta do  _ something _ .” she sighed. “That kid needs a break, though. I mean, they all do, but especially her.”

“Yeah...” Ibuki trailed off. “I think she might get one soon, though. The Marduk Institute found the Fifth Child, and Dr. Akagi’s thinking of having her replace Asuka.”

“Fuck,” Misato considered, “She’s gonna hate that.”

“Yeah. But I feel like it’s for-”

The phone rang, and Misato checked the number. Looked like Section 2. She made an apologetic gesture towards Ibuki and picked up the phone. “Hi, Major Katsuragi speaking.”

“This is Matsumori,” the agent’s voice was overdriving the receiver. It sounded like the bass guitar in a grunge band. “We picked up Soryu causing trouble over at Sixteenth and Abend, and need you to come collect her.”

* * *

Rei’s eyes snapped open. The cool ceramic of the bathroom floor pressed against her cheek, and the pale fluorescent glow of the lights overhead stung her eyes. She felt a hand nudging her shoulder, and she sat up to examine its source. Ikari knelt beside her, looking relieved. 

“Hey. Are you okay?” Ikari asked. “You were like, out cold for a couple minutes there.”

“I believe so.” Rei examined her limbs for bruises. They looked clear, at least for now. Her face was still a bit sticky with the fluid that had bled out of her nose. 

“Thanks for uh, for bailing me out there,” Ikari stammered. “I dunno what you did, but uh, I think I would’ve been fucked if you two didn’t show up.” She stood and held out her hand. 

“Of course.” Rei reached up to grab her hand and Ikari helped her to her feet. She looked around the bathroom before making her way to one of the sinks to wash her face. “Were you unhurt?” she turned on the faucet and cupped her hands under it.

“I guess,” Ikari shrugged. She rubbed her cheek where the upperclassman had hit her. “I think I just got like, shaken more than anything. Kensuke looked like he got thrown pretty hard, though. He’s over in the nurse’s office now. Do you think you should go too?”

“I’d rather not.” Inexplicably breaking someone’s hand without touching them and subsequently bleeding what was in all likelihood LCL weren’t the sorts of things she wanted that old hag finding out about. What had happened, anyway? It almost felt like when she projected her Eva’s AT field, but that only opened up more questions. The only things that could do that were angels and Evas, and she wasn’t either of those things.

Right?

“Hey,” Ikari ventured, “we’re doing sync tests tomorrow, right?”

Rei closed the faucet and dried her face with a clump of paper towel. “That’s correct.”

“Do you, like, do you wanna hang out afterwards?” she suggested, her voice trembling a little, “We could uh, we could go to a movie, or just like, mess around in the bookstore or-”

“I have a meeting with Dr. Akagi after the test. It may take a while.” Her gaze drifted downward. “Though if you wish to visit the apartment after, the door will be unlocked.”

“Shit,” Ikari ran her hands through her hair. “I uh, I hope that goes okay.”

“As do I.” 

Ikari stepped forward, her expression looking determined. “I’ll be there,” she assured her, “no matter what.” She reached out and placed a reassuring hand on Rei’s shoulder. 

The warmth of her touch spread out over Rei’s body, and she felt a pleasant tingling feeling in her extremities. “I look forward to it.”

* * *

Misato sighed and put on her best “assertive parental figure” face. “You have to go to school, Asuka,” she chided. She took her eyes off the road briefly to look over to her passenger. Asuka leaned against the door, arms folded, and her expression reflected in the window looked to be a mix of despondency and frustration. Section 2 had picked her up at the arcade. Apparently she’d kicked a machine and picked a fight with one of the other patrons before the owner kicked her out.

“Look,” Misato continued, “I know you’re like, pissed, or depressed or whatever, but...” she paused, “but it’s important to like, have some structure or whatever, just so you’re not like moping around all day or spiraling.”

No response. 

“I remember like, back when I was your age, I was all kinds of fucked up emotionally, cuz like, well,” Misato decided to swerve around that topic and the truck in front of her. “I guess I don’t wanna get into it much. But I remember I got a lot better once I got to college and had like, classes to go to and wasn’t just surrounded by weird researchers.”

Still nothing from Asuka. Trying to have these kinds of conversations was maddening, like, you wanna help the person, but also like, it’s super hard to tell if anything you’re saying is working? And it always seemed like words were never enough anyway. Ugh. 

“And like, you have friends at school, right? I mean- Oh my god, look at this asshole!” She leaned on the horn. “LIGHT’S GREEN, FUCKER,” she took a deep breath to regain her composure. “Uh, anyway. I bet like, Horaki’s super worried about you and stuff. And I bet you’d feel better if you hung out with her for a bit or something, y’know?”

Asuka shifted her position to more effectively press herself into the door. “...I don’t wanna see her again.” 

“Did you guys, uh, have some kinda falling-out or whatever?” Misato cut across a few lanes and someone behind them honked at her.

“No,” Asuka whimpered. 

“Uhh, so what happened?” Misato prodded.

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Asuka mumbled. 

Misato sighed. “I can’t help you if you act like that.”

“Then don’t.” Asuka spat. “I don’t want help. I just want to be left alone.”

“That’s...” Misato trailed off and ran a hand through her hair. “I can’t just leave you like this, Asuka. I just- fuck. I dunno.” she paused. “Just hang in there, okay?” She reached her hand over to Asuka’s back, but the girl recoiled.

“Don’t touch me!” Asuka shouted. 

Misato withdrew her hand. She couldn’t wait until the day was over and she could have a fucking drink.


	15. Chokers are a Recurring Artifact in Online Trans Culture

The sound of the phone ringing thrust Misato out from the gentle, loving arms of sleep into the damp splotch of drool on her pillow and the harsh morning light streaming in from the window. She wiped her face off, turned over on her other side, and closed her eyes again. Shinji would probably answer, right? She was usually up by now anyway.  _When was "now," anyway?_  she wondered. She craned her neck to check the clock. Six thirty-something. The last digit was blocked by an empty instant noodle cup that probably had more culture in it than France by now.

The ringing continued. "Shinji?" She called out. "Can you get that?"

Who the fuck calls at six in the morning anyway? Bunch of savages in this town, honestly. Just as she was starting to drift back to sleep, it hit her: there was a fuckin sync test today. Shit shit shit! She threw off the cover of her futon and rose to her feet quick enough to get a head rush and darted over to the phone.

She tried to compose herself momentarily. "Hello? This is Katsuragi."

"Hey, it's Ibuki," Maya answered, "Is everything okay? It's uh, Dr. Akagi is getting pretty antsy."

"Uh, yeah, we're juuust about to head out the door," Misato lied, "Probably be there in, uh," she tried to guess an ETA that hit the sweet spot between 'hopeful' and 'realistic,' "half an hour?"

"Okay cool, just like, checking to make sure you didn't like, get in an accident or leave the stove on all night or something."

"Tell her to hurry the fuck up!" Ritsuko demanded, barely audible over the phone.

"Uh, Dr. Akagi says to hurry," Ibuki relayed, "I'll uh, I'll see you guys in a bit. Tell the kids I said hi!"

"Yeah, yeah. See ya later." Misato hung up the phone. She turned towards the hallway. "Hey! We're super fuckin late, let's go!" she commanded. No response. She knocked on Asuka's door. "Hey. Are you up?" Nothing. Annoyed, she slid open the door. Asuka lay on her bed, twisted into a cocoon of blankets and hair, her face towards the wall. Misato approached the tangled mess and reached out to try and get her attention. Asuka grunted disapprovingly. "Hey. What's going on? We need to go."

"I don't want to," She grumbled. Her voice was muffled by the sheets.

"It doesn't matter if you  _want_ to," Misato lectured, "You're gonna be there if someone -probably me- has to drag you there kicking and screaming." she ran a hand through her hair. "Look, it's your first sync test in a while, don't you wanna show everyone who's boss?"

"Don't patronize me."

"Fine," Misato folded her arms. "We're leaving in ten whether you're dressed or not." she left and closed the door behind her. Was that too harsh? ...Probably. The sound of Asuka screaming into a pillow reinforced her conclusion. Fuuuuucking hell.

She rapped on Shinji's door next. "Hey. You're up, right?" Nothing. "I'm coming in, okay?" she entered her room, and heard a rustling of sheets as Shinji turned towards the wall and pretended to be asleep, though she still clutched her cassette player in her hand. "We need to get going," Misato urged. "Look, I don't know what happened yesterday or whatever, we can talk about it later probably, but right now I need you to get dressed, and we need to get out the door."

"You'll really force us if we don't?" Shinji mumbled into the wall.

Misato hesitated. "Yeah. Just let's go."

* * *

The locker room past the decontamination zone was large and empty, about as sterile aesthetically as it was microbiologically. The harsh fluorescent lights washed over the white tile walls and floor, and lockers quietly corroded into a dignified patchwork of rust and brushed steel. Cold, dry air circulated through the chamber, a constant incentive to stay in the showers just a little longer. The room was large enough to accommodate maybe half a dozen occupants without crowding them into awkwardness, though Shinji had never seen another soul use it. Everyone else went to the girls' changing room, and she was stuck here.

She opened her locker and began to carefully remove her paper jumpsuit. Normally, she was grateful for the privacy of having a changing room to herself, but this morning, the feeling of being left out only tightened the pit in her stomach left from the previous day's events. Nobody  _actually_ thought she was a girl. They'd say it, but like, here she was, relegated to the men's locker room. She dropped the jumpsuit into the incinerator and a lashing tongue of flame sputtered up out of the device to lick its lips. What was even the point? If being a girl meant getting stared at and being assaulted on the way to the toilet, was it actually any better than going through the motions of being a boy? At least then she was mostly safe. She threw open the door to her locker in an attempt to seek some catharsis, but all she received was a loud clanging that echoed through the room.

"Oh my, what heinous crime did that nefarious metal beast commit?" Nagisa stood towards the entrance, her face a collection of sensory organs and muscle positions that might represent bemusement. She made a series of movements with her limbs similar to walking and opened a locker a few over from Shinji's own.

"Shit!" Shinji yelped and jumped behind the locker door. "What are you doing here?"

"I believe I mentioned in our last encounter that I was a pilot as well?" Nagisa unfastened her jumpsuit, "and that I was an odd sort like yourself, in terms of disdain for that whole sordid affair of being expected to be a boy."

"Uh, yeah, I suppose," Shinji muttered, sheepish. Her eyes darted away from the changing figure before her. "I guess I would've expected you to be in, y'know, the  _other_ locker room."

"As did I, but the infallible Doctor Akagi the Younger deigned otherwise," Nagisa's disarming cheery demeanor became momentarily tinged with a spot of contempt. "Though I suppose given the contents of this chamber at present, it is  _also_ a women's locker room." One eye disappeared behind its lid in a wink.

Shinji smiled, despite herself.

"You needn't avert your eyes, by the bye," Nagisa mentioned, "I assure you, you won't turn to salt or anything of that nature."

"Oh. Uh, I'm just, super uncomfortable in these kinds of situations." Shinji stammered.

"Would it help if  _I_ turned away?" Nagisa suggested.

"Yeah. I think so."

"Very well." Nagisa pivoted in place with a flourish. "Sometimes it slips my mind that most people haven't spent a sizable portion of their lives being examined in the nude." there was a  _fwoosh_  as her paper clothing went up in smoke. "I suppose I should be envious that you have a little shame remaining inside you."

Somehow Nagisa's carrying on the conversation didn't make Shinji feel any less self-conscious. She tried to push past it and pulled the limp plugsuit in her locker off its hanger and undid the zipper in back. Her burning curiosity got the better of her and she snuck a peek at the naked girl before her. Something about the resolute plateau of Nagisa's shoulders and the meandering river beds left by the muscles in her back stirred something inside her, and also... "You've got, uh, boobs?"

"It appears that way," Nagisa replied. "They started coming in a few months ago. Rather exciting, I'll admit." a beat. "You know, I hardly think it's fair for you to request I not look at you while you're changing if you're just going to do it yourself like that." her voice jingled playfully.

"Er, sorry-" Shinji apologized, "I just- sorry!" she took a deep breath to collect herself. "Wait, so did you go through the whole clinic thing?"

"No, I've never dealt with that particular ordeal. My experience has been rather forcefully curated by some very austere people."

Shinji sat down on the bench and pulled the plugsuit over a leg. "The triangle-and-eyes dudes?"

Nagisa pivoted her head up and down in a quick nod. "Best be quiet about that," she warned in a hushed tone, "someone's always listening in this infernal place."

Shinji nodded in agreement. "So like, how did you... Uh, y'know,"

"My body works quite differently from most people's. Due to reasons best left unspecified, there is a lot of functionality directly dependent on my own self-image."

"Oh. Huh." Shinji mumbled. She stood and pulled the suit up to her waist. The plasticky material made a noise reminiscent of gelatin being sucked through a tube as it moved and rubbed against itself.

"You'll figure something out, I'm sure," Nagisa retrieved her own plugsuit and began to pour her body into it. She looked over in Shinji's direction briefly. "Oh dear," she chimed, "it seems you've turned to stone after all."

Shinji became acutely aware of her groin. Her face grew flushed. "Fuck. Shit. Uh, sorry."

Nagisa giggled. "No, no, I was being far too forward. I'm the one who should be apologizing."

Shinji hastily finished pulling the plugsuit over her arms and tried the zipper in the back. It caught in the same place it always did. Carefully, she jiggled it in place to try to get it loose.

"Do you require assistance?" Nagisa suggested.

"Uh," Shinji tried it again. Fuck. "Er, yeah, actually."

A blanket of warmth gripped Shinji's shoulder and she felt the cool metal zipper come free and slide up her spine to the nape of her neck. She inhaled sharply and pressed the button on her wrist to seal the suit and compress her junk into nothing before it got any ideas.

* * *

Ritsuko leaned back in her chair and took a sip of coffee. The MAGI terminal before her displayed the sensor readouts from the sync test on the aesthetically pleasing labVIEW interface she'd designed while an endless blur of status messages scrolled past on the console, too quick to catch with the naked eye. The test plugs housing the four pilots were visible through the window of her observation deck, half submerged in liquefied bakelite. With Ibuki and Misato off on their breaks, Ritsuko had the place to herself. Just her, the computers, and the pilots.

The revelation that Nagisa was actually another weird pervert like Shinji this whole time had given her a lot to think about. While he was obviously beyond promising from a purely numerical standpoint, the last thing she needed was for Nagisa to get his little eldritch tendrils into him, or honestly Rei either, for that matter. Keeping them as separated as possible was probably for the best. But then, her only alternative was trying to exhume Asuka back into relevance. And Asuka was, to put it bluntly, a childish fucking moron and a drama queen, not to mention all her other emotional issues. She scrunched up her face. Even given all that, it was probably the preferable option.

She wheeled her chair over to the comm interface and opened communication with Asuka's plug. The camera feed jittered into view on the monitor above. Asuka's hair was drifting around in the LCL, forming a dark stormcloud over her head.

"Hey," Ritsuko tried to get her attention. Silence. "You're uh, you're up a couple points over last time." She wasn't. She might as well just be comatose in there for all the syncing she was doing.

"...Really?" She opened her eyes and looked up excitedly at the intercom window.

"Yeah." Ritsuko tried to think of a way to connect with an obnoxious, angsty fourteen year old. She mulled over the handful of stock usenet diatribes in her head and selected one she felt might resonate. "How's, uh, stuff at home going? Did that conflict ever get resolved?"

"No," Asuka spat, "Of course not. Shinji's still being a fucking weirdo and Misato keeps enabling him. Fuckin- like, everyone always takes his side, it's so goddamn stupid."

"I know. Everyone in this place is so 'open-minded' their brains fell out," Ritsuko took a sip of coffee.

"God, finally someone says it. Can't anyone just grow a spine and tell him to be fuckin normal already?"

Ritsuko nodded. "There's a lot of people who would  _like_  to say something, I think, but we're all being held hostage by a handful of crackheads," she wove, "Like if someone says something out of line, they just get dogpiled or shunned for it. It's like walking on eggshells."

"Fucking figures," Asuka folded her arms, "This is just like when that Ainu kid was still at school, and everybody was like, oh, we gotta be super nice to him even though he's kinda creepy and smelled cuz otherwise the teacher's gonna send us to the principal's office for being racist." she paused. "I'm glad fuckin' someone else is seeing all this shit, I was starting to think I was living in clown world."

"Yeah, it definitely feels that way sometimes," Ritsuko looked back over at her terminal. Asuka's sync rate had risen to five percent.  _God, if I can get her working again just by validating her stupid tantrums that would make everything so much simpler._

* * *

What was "Rei Ayanami?" A name? An occupation? A person? In reality, none of those were really correct. Like so many things in the world, it was a control system, where Rei the individual was the plant, and "Rei Ayanami" was the ideal operating condition she was being coerced into compliance with. But what if the coercion was no longer enough to overpower the disturbances coming from outside? It seemed like the influences of Nagisa and Ikari might do just that.

Rei pondered this as she journeyed down through the Nerv labyrinth to the Artificial Evolution Lab for another checkup with that wretched old hag. What would a Rei that had an existence outside of that system behave like? For starters, a freer Rei probably wouldn't be called "Rei" at all. What could she be called instead? Something related to the moon might be nice. Its contemplative pale glow and the cool night air always felt more welcoming than the harsh light and heat of the day. Come to think of it, was Ikari planning on changing her name? Perhaps this was a discussion they could have sometime.

Tangentially from the topic of Ikari, was the freer Rei a girl, or something else? It seemed like so many of the roles and specifications that constituted that ideal operating point were inextricable from her gender, especially in the context of dealings with the Commander. While she wasn't sure of anything she'd rather be, that association wasn't something easily shaken. If she could express femininity in a noncommittal way to an extent she was comfortable, that might be ideal. Though, with all that said, trying to be precise in her analysis seemed like it could easily start to feel prescriptive, and then she'd be back where she started. In any case, if she  _was_ able to borrow Ikari's old uniform, mixing it into her routine now and then could be a step in the right direction.

She slid her keycard through the lock and entered Dr. Akagi's lab. A rush of air blew past her as the door opened, and the familiar stink of tobacco smoke and harsh cleaning chemicals washed over her. Inside, the old hag herself perched atop one of the folding chairs, peering intently into the monitor of the Magi terminal in front of her. To the side, a lipstick-stained cigarette lay smoldering in an ashtray placed atop an oscilloscope. She didn't seem to notice Rei come in.

Rei walked over to the other rolling chair and set her bag down. "I'm here."

"Fuck!" Dr. Akagi jumped in her seat, her lab coat suddenly ruffled. "God, stop sneaking up on people like that. It's weird."

"I wasn't doing anything." Rei replied. She took a seat on the chair.

"Whatever," Dr. Akagi scowled. "Let's get this over with." She preened her coat back into alignment and rolled over to Rei with a clipboard and the blood pressure monitor in hand. She secured the cuff around Rei's bony arm and began to pump it full of air. "I hear you've been getting pretty friendly with Ikari."

"I suppose," Rei ventured, cautious.

"Don't." Akagi commanded, glowering up at Rei. "It's disgusting just thinking about it."

"I don't understand."

"You would if you had any idea what you were," Dr. Akagi muttered.

"A clone?" The cuff began to constrict Rei's arm.

"That's certainly part of it." Akagi released the pressure from the monitor and scribbled something down on her clipboard. "Eugh. I don't wanna talk about this. Just step on the scale."

Rei obliged, massaging her arm where the cuff was attached. Didn't the Commander make a similar comment about Ikari? This was starting to look like one of those threads that was better not to pull.

Dr. Akagi fiddled with the weights, frowned, and recorded a value. "You're gaining weight. Keep an eye on that." she returned the equipment to her disheveled magpie hoard of a workspace and retrieved a sealed vial from the minifridge in the corner, along with a syringe. "A new flu shot came in, by the way. This'll just take a second." She filled the needle with the fluid from the vial. "Our sensors picked up a spike in the AT field at the school yesterday," she mentioned nonchalantly, "We almost thought it was an angel."

"I see," Rei mumbled. Her gaze dashed to the floor and she subconsciously began fidgeting with the edge of her skirt.

Akagi sat down heavily in her chair and the added momentum carried it forward a bit. "Yeah. you wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?" she rolled over to Rei. "Your arm?"

Rei hesitated. "I wouldn't." she extended her arm again.

"What a mystery then, huh?" Dr. Akagi surveyed her arm for a vein like a hawk searching a field for mice. Satisfied, she swabbed down the location with alcohol and inserted the needle.

Rei winced and averted her eyes. If that old hag knew what had happened, what was going to happen to her? Her heart pounded out of her chest.

Dr. Akagi plucked the emptied needle out of her arm and wrapped a bandage around the puncture. "You know what? I think you're a fucking liar, Rei." a nightmarish grin parted her face, crimson lips bordering tobacco-stained teeth. "Don't you ever think you can pull one over on me, Rei. You can't hide anything from me."

Rei remained silent. She focused on the needle in Akagi's hand. Maybe... maybe if she could grab it, she could stab that old hag and make a run for it. Although if she did, she wasn't going to be long for this world either. She quickly did the mental calculations on whether being without her medicine was worse than whatever hell that horrible woman had in store for her.

She lunged forward and snatched the needle out of Dr. Akagi's hand and plunged it into her outer thigh through her slacks. Akagi cursed and squawked as Rei grabbed her bag and ran for the door. She pounded on the console to open it and dashed out into the hallway and back towards the cargo elevator.

As she ran, she began to feel exhausted. Not like she usually did if Miss Kurosawa made her run a lap during gym, but a profound, all-permeating fatigue that drained every muscle and tendon in her body. Her extremities began to feel heavy and her vision blurred. Had she been tranquilized? Whatever the case, the surface wasn't going to be an option. She looked around for an abandoned lab or crevice she could duck into to hide. She slid behind a decaying HVAC box and collapsed.

* * *

Shinji tried the door at Dr. Akagi's office. Locked. She pulled her SDAT player out of her backpack and began untangling the headphone cable. Maybe Ritsuko was still down below running stuff through the computer still or off somewhere with Rei doing... whatever it was she did to her. Just thinking about it sent a chill down her spine. She wished she had the courage to barge in and demand answers, but frankly the idea terrified her. Beyond even her own ambient anxiety, the fear of being tossed in the brig again if she went too far was a strong deterrent, and of course the doctor was probably the only path she'd ever have towards getting hormone treatment. She stuck her headphones in and started the player.

Really though, didn't she owe it to Rei to stick her neck out for her by now? Between saving her life all those months ago during the sniper mission thing to the innumerable hours spent in training and combat together, to her bailing Shinji out just yesterday, it was probably about time Shinji was the one to lay herself on the line. But like, not right this second. She should probably at least like, come up with a plan first.

God, just thinking about yesterday was enough to send the adrenaline rushing back in. She wasn't sure how she was gonna go back to school on Monday, like, what if it happened again? Those older guys were probably pissed, right? She looked down at her boys uniform and sighed. Even the idea of wearing girl clothes to Nerv was suddenly paralyzing, though honestly that would've been daunting even at the best of times.

She ran her hand through her hair. Come to think of it, it was actually starting to get a little long. Although, it seemed to be growing distinctly out rather than like, down, or some other useful direction. It was just like, puffy. She sighed. Probably just another thing she'd have to ask Misato about.

Ritsuko appeared around the corner and looked startled for a moment. She said something, but it was inaudible over the music playing in Shinji's ears. She pulled the cable out and stuffed the device back into her bag. "Uh, sorry," Shinji apologized. "What were you saying?"

"Nothing really," Ritsuko dug around in her lab coat for her keycard. "Uh, just that you kids have a way of spooking people."

"Oh. I was just uh, just standing here." Shinji clarified.

Dr. Akagi shot her a derisive glance, but quickly erected her facade once more. "Sorry for making you wait, stuff with Ayanami took a little longer than I thought." she swiped the card through the reader and opened the door.

"How uh, how's she doing?" Shinji pressed.

"She's a little sick, unfortunately." Ritsuko heaved a stack of paperwork off the chair in front of her desk and dropped it atop another pile in the corner. "I'm having her stay under observation for a bit to see where stuff goes. She's uh, a pretty fragile person. As I'm sure you've gathered." She took a seat in front of her terminal and set about clacking away on the keyboard.

"Uh. Sure." Shinji's heart sank. That sounded super suspicious, honestly. But like, she did go unconscious during the fight, right? Maybe it was related to that? She tried not to show her concern too openly.

Ritsuko finished with the computer. "I actually have to make this pretty quick, I have some other, uh, stuff to deal with right after." she adjusted her glasses, and a brief flash of reflected light glanced off them as she looked Shinji up and down. "Uh, so how's stuff going so far? You got the girls' uniform, right?"

"Yeah, it's just uh," Shinji's eyes wandered over to one of the decrepit cat statuettes on the desk before her, "I wasn't feeling it today, I guess?"

Ritsuko peered down at her over her glasses. "Did uh, something happen?"

"Uh, well," Shinji could feel a lump form in her throat and her voice began to waver. "Yesterday, some uh, some upperclassmen were gonna, uh, they were gonna..." she trailed off.

"Hmm, that's unfortunate to hear," Ritsuko offered, her tone icy. Her fingers set to work on the keyboard again. "I know it's hard, but it's important to keep up your 'real life experience' trial run as often as possible so you get, y'know, the full experience of what being a girl is like."

Shinji's gaze wandered between the various decrepit cat statuettes haphazardly scattered across Ritsuko's desk. "Uh, I mean, I don't think girls get called 'faggot' very often."

"Women get called names all the time, Ikari," Ritsuko dismissed, "I mean, listen to how people talk about like, Ibuki or Misato when they aren't around. Even to their faces sometimes. It's just like, dyke this, slut that, y'know," she took a sip of coffee. "And I know people call me a bitch constantly too. It's just something you have to suck up and get used to."

"I guess," Shinji acquiesced.

"Anyway." Dr. Akagi rubbed the lipstick smudge on her mug with her thumb. "Uh, so there's one big thing I forgot to bring ask about last time that I want to cover. And uh, some of this next part might get a little embarrassing, so I'm gonna say up front that I'm not going to judge you for how you answer, okay?"

"Sssureee?" Shinji was immediately set on edge.

"Great. So, let's see," Ritsuko massaged her temples. "When you, uh, you know, jerk off, do you often imagine yourself as a girl?"

"I-  _what?_ " Shinji felt flushed. "What does that have to do with anything?"

Ritsuko shrugged. "Believe me, I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important," she held up her hands. "I'm serious though, I'm not going to judge you or anything if you do."

Shinji hesitated, suspicious. The truth was yeah, she did that a lot, especially since she started taking all this more seriously. And of course there was the handful of times she'd jerked it wearing her new girls' clothes. But like, what was Ritsuko getting at? Was she gonna like, accuse her of not really having gender identity disorder or whatever if she told her the truth? Or maybe  _not_ having those kinds of fantasies would disqualify her... after weighing her options, she decided to just tell the truth. "Uh, I mean, sometimes?"

"Hmm," Ritsuko recorded more notes in her computer. "I'm starting to think you might have autogynephilia," she commented.

"Uhh, what's that?" Shinji's heart sank as she began to worry she'd answered wrong.

"It's a disorder of sexual development," Ritsuko explained, "Basically sometimes a boy will start to view themselves as the target of sexual attraction instead of like, other people, and then they'll try to become more feminine so they're more attractive to themselves. But they're not actually like, girls at all. It's just a sexual thing. It has a lot of symptoms in common with GID though, so it's an important thing to screen for. Otherwise uh, I could end up doing a lot of damage by handing this the wrong way." She looked Shinji over. "It's still too early to say one way or the other. But like, not being very into real life experience and also having those kinds of sexual fantasies kinda reads that way."

"Oh." Shinji's gaze wandered downwards, to her hands idly fidgeting in her lap. She flexed her grip a few times.

"Don't worry kiddo," Ritsuko adjusted her glasses. "Everything's gonna work out just fine." Shinji couldn't help but sense a sort of malice seeping from her smile.

* * *

The first thing Rei experienced as she came to was an overpowering stink of mildew and disinfectant. She forced open her groggy eyes, and a bright fluorescent light from above stung her retinas. Squinting to ease the glare, she tried to take stock of her surroundings. Twisting her neck was difficult, however. She reached up with her hands and felt a metal collar fit snugly around her neck. Rei searched the object for a latch, but the object appeared to be smooth metal except for a barely-perceptible seam. She gave the collar a tug, but it remained in place.

She sat up to get a better look at things. It began to dawn on her that this was her old chamber within the Artificial Evolution Lab. The walls and floor were bare concrete, save for scribbles of the six flavors of quark scattered across the surfaces in chalk. She even recognized a few stains that remained from when she was last here long ago.

An intercom speaker crackled to life. "You're up. Cool." the voice was garbled and interrupted by pops and static, but it was unmistakably Dr. Akagi's. "That thing on your neck is a bomb. If you fucking try anything like that stunt earlier ever again, you're fucked, understand? And if you do anything weird like manifest a fucking AT field, you're also fucked. It's on a dead man's switch, so if anything happens to me, boom. Fucked. I'm not fucking around, Rei. You're lucky the Commander has his perverse little fixation on you, otherwise you'd be just another rotting carcass down there with the prototypes.

"If I die, I will be replaced."

"Fuck you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey folks- sorry this one took so long again. I'm probably gonna put this series on hold for a while and work on something else lighter in tone and probably dungeon meshi related for a bit just to switch gears and cleanse my palette before getting back into methods of bioterrorism. keep an eye out for whatever the interstitial thing ends up being either on here or on tumblr at doedipus.tumblr.com!


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